Here is a sonnet that my friend Niall wrote for me about my adventures in The Pitt. It is awesome. Please enjoy it.
In ragged garments, as a slave would dress,
I yielded all my weapons at the gate
"This better be one sweet-ass ammo press"
I vowed, "or else I'll scourge The Pitt with hate."
They handed me a worn out, rented gun
and made me play their stupid death-match sport
I blew each fighter's brain out, one by one,
To make it clear I'm not the fuck-with sort.
And when I sought to cure the sickened slaves
The key component was a baby's life!
I snatched the tot, dodged countless bullet waves
and closed the deal before I drew new strife
Homicide, in balance, is a trifle,
when it yields more ammo for your rifle.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Brain Mistrust
So where was I? Oh yeah, going back to Desmond's. As I approach his mansion, the fucking thing EXPLODES! Motherfucker! I was gonna chill there later after I murdered everything. Fuck! I look around a bit and find a door to a panic room. I get sufficiently panicked and then open it.
Desmond is inside, of course. And thank god, I don't want no EXPLODING HOUSE to kill him. I WANT TO DO IT. Oh hey Des, I did that thing, yeah sure, you're mad about your house and don't care. He says he's gonna just go kill that brain! What?! Why didn't we just do that in the fucking first place! I fucking hate you!
I follow him to a lighthouse and he leads me down some secret tunnels, past a bunch of turrets and rooms with guns that aren't nearly awesome enough for all this bullshit, and finally into a room with a fucking brain in a jar. The Brain and Desmond both bitch at each other for a bit and then wait for me to do something.
KILL HIM
NO KILL THE BRAIN
NO KILL HIM
NO THE BRAAAINNN
NOOOOOO
I stare at them both for a while, looking from one to the other and back to the first and back again, and back to the other. Desmond, Brain, Desmond, Brain.
I think, I might not get another shot at shooting this Brain. I'll kill it right now. Hold on a sec. I check through all my guns. Who...gets to kill this Brain. Ah, Blackhawk! I aim, and POW POW POW.
FUCK YOU BRAIN!
Desmond thanks me for killing something he was standing right next to while also holding a gun, and I say haha, sure thing dude. He tells me he's gonna go do something which isn't fucking himself, and I tell him he should try the fucking himself instead. As he turns to leave, I reach into my inventory and pull out the biggest fucking nuka-grenade I can find.
HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!
I lob the grenade and his ghoul body bursts into a million pieces. I laugh and laugh and jump up and down on the bits of blue flaming ghoul flesh shouting FUCK YOU OLD MAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I steal everything he had and triumphantly make my way back to the surface.
Now, for those tribals.
I head to their stupid little fucking church and murder every last one of them. They don't have a single decent thing to steal though, so I just yell FUCK YOU! and leave.
All of my problems solved, and feeling a little nostalgic for that scribe at the purifier, and Fawkes's helpful reminders, I head towards the boat that'll take me back to the Capital Wasteland or as I have come to know it during this ordeal "THE PLACE THAT IS A BILLION FUCKING TIMES BETTER THAN THIS SHITHOLE."
I get to the boat and, what the...it's Nadine! She's running the boat? What happened to what's his face who was kind of a dick? Nadine tells me he's locked in his cabin. Huh, why's that?
And then Nadine tells me the most interesting of tidbits!
Mr. Tobar Boatman is the fucker that CUT THE PIECE OUT OF MY BRAIN.
I head into the room, to murder him. Fucking duh.
He says he, I dunno, loves cutting out brains or something and that I shouldn't be too hard on him because I totally murder lots of people!
You're right, I do totally murder lots of people.
And then, I murdered him. Right in his stupid mustache.
On his shelf, I find that piece of brain he took out of me. I guess I'll take it. I can put it on a shelf next to my heart-shaped bed, under the sex lamp where Fawkes and my robot watch me sleep.
That's not weird right?
Desmond is inside, of course. And thank god, I don't want no EXPLODING HOUSE to kill him. I WANT TO DO IT. Oh hey Des, I did that thing, yeah sure, you're mad about your house and don't care. He says he's gonna just go kill that brain! What?! Why didn't we just do that in the fucking first place! I fucking hate you!
I follow him to a lighthouse and he leads me down some secret tunnels, past a bunch of turrets and rooms with guns that aren't nearly awesome enough for all this bullshit, and finally into a room with a fucking brain in a jar. The Brain and Desmond both bitch at each other for a bit and then wait for me to do something.
KILL HIM
NO KILL THE BRAIN
NO KILL HIM
NO THE BRAAAINNN
NOOOOOO
I stare at them both for a while, looking from one to the other and back to the first and back again, and back to the other. Desmond, Brain, Desmond, Brain.
I think, I might not get another shot at shooting this Brain. I'll kill it right now. Hold on a sec. I check through all my guns. Who...gets to kill this Brain. Ah, Blackhawk! I aim, and POW POW POW.
FUCK YOU BRAIN!
Desmond thanks me for killing something he was standing right next to while also holding a gun, and I say haha, sure thing dude. He tells me he's gonna go do something which isn't fucking himself, and I tell him he should try the fucking himself instead. As he turns to leave, I reach into my inventory and pull out the biggest fucking nuka-grenade I can find.
HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!
I lob the grenade and his ghoul body bursts into a million pieces. I laugh and laugh and jump up and down on the bits of blue flaming ghoul flesh shouting FUCK YOU OLD MAN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I steal everything he had and triumphantly make my way back to the surface.
Now, for those tribals.
I head to their stupid little fucking church and murder every last one of them. They don't have a single decent thing to steal though, so I just yell FUCK YOU! and leave.
All of my problems solved, and feeling a little nostalgic for that scribe at the purifier, and Fawkes's helpful reminders, I head towards the boat that'll take me back to the Capital Wasteland or as I have come to know it during this ordeal "THE PLACE THAT IS A BILLION FUCKING TIMES BETTER THAN THIS SHITHOLE."
I get to the boat and, what the...it's Nadine! She's running the boat? What happened to what's his face who was kind of a dick? Nadine tells me he's locked in his cabin. Huh, why's that?
And then Nadine tells me the most interesting of tidbits!
Mr. Tobar Boatman is the fucker that CUT THE PIECE OUT OF MY BRAIN.
I head into the room, to murder him. Fucking duh.
He says he, I dunno, loves cutting out brains or something and that I shouldn't be too hard on him because I totally murder lots of people!
You're right, I do totally murder lots of people.
And then, I murdered him. Right in his stupid mustache.
On his shelf, I find that piece of brain he took out of me. I guess I'll take it. I can put it on a shelf next to my heart-shaped bed, under the sex lamp where Fawkes and my robot watch me sleep.
That's not weird right?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
STOP IT AT THE TOOOOOP!
Let me make one thing clear, real quick. At this point of this series of quests, I really have no idea why I keep going. I hate Desmond, I hate these tribals, Nadine is okay, but who cares. I can't even remember why Desmond sent me here in the first place.
Oh yeah, figure out why the Tribals are attacking him. Why do I care? I don't think I do. Maybe a part of me is secretly hoping there will be a giant gun somewhere to introduce to all my gun friends back in Megaton. There won't be. Maybe I'm hoping I will find more people who deserve death. That...that will happen.
Nadine tells me that the head tribal guy goes to pray at some secret place or something, so I go tell this to Desmond. I want to tell him that he can do the rest of this shit himself and just shoot me a Pip-Boy Message when you need someone shot and when you're done so I can shoot you.
No, instead he wants ME to follow the tribal guy. Desmond is the most unappreciative asshole ever. Every thing I do for him he just doesn't care, it's aaaaaaaaalllllll about Desmond's problems.
In some cave, this tribal guy is praying to holographic brain. Somehow the brain sees me and wants me to come have a chitty chat with it. Oh this oughta be good, you want a favor too don't you? The Brain tells me that Desmond is "restricting his broadcast signal" and I should destroy the device he's using so he can broadcast farther. Yeah, I really want that. I hate Desmond sure, but you are a holographic brain telling me you would like to BROADCAST TO PEOPLE. I do not trust you!
I make some excuse about needing to leave like "Oh I just thought of something." I head back to Desmond to tell him what I found and ask him if he knows what's up with there being a holographic brain in a cave in the middle of fucking nowhere.
He tells, with some fucking bitchy cheerios-pissed-in attitude, that the brain is Professor Calvert, of the Calvert family that Desmond hates and who hate him back. He says this like I should already know. No, Desmond, I don't get Holographic Brains And Their Stupid Grudges Weekly.
Desmond asks me to place a jammer on the big ferris wheel in town. I try to talk my way out of it. Uuuuh I'm scared of heights. He tells me I don't need to go on it, just put something on the bottom and run the wheel til it's on top. Dammit. Uuuuh, I'm scared of wheels? I'm uuuum, scared of you not doing this your fucking self? I don't know, none of these seem to work, so off with the jammer I go.
As I approach the wheel, there is a goddamn VOICE IN MY HEAD. It's that fucking brain! He's telling me to the destroy the jammer! He wants to send thoughts into people's heads! Come on! I super hate Brain right now, because I do not like voices in my fucking head. This jammer? It's going to the top of that fucking wheel! Fuck you BRAIN!
Of course, like a million tribals attack me afterwards. I kill them all and steal their unsubstantial amount of clothing.
Then I return to Desmond with renewed drive, renewed purpose! Find out where that brain actually is...and then MURDER IT. AND MURDER DESMOND. AND MURDER ALL THE TRIBALS.
BURN THE WHOLE CITY TO THE GROUND.
(Except moonshine lady)
Oh yeah, figure out why the Tribals are attacking him. Why do I care? I don't think I do. Maybe a part of me is secretly hoping there will be a giant gun somewhere to introduce to all my gun friends back in Megaton. There won't be. Maybe I'm hoping I will find more people who deserve death. That...that will happen.
Nadine tells me that the head tribal guy goes to pray at some secret place or something, so I go tell this to Desmond. I want to tell him that he can do the rest of this shit himself and just shoot me a Pip-Boy Message when you need someone shot and when you're done so I can shoot you.
No, instead he wants ME to follow the tribal guy. Desmond is the most unappreciative asshole ever. Every thing I do for him he just doesn't care, it's aaaaaaaaalllllll about Desmond's problems.
In some cave, this tribal guy is praying to holographic brain. Somehow the brain sees me and wants me to come have a chitty chat with it. Oh this oughta be good, you want a favor too don't you? The Brain tells me that Desmond is "restricting his broadcast signal" and I should destroy the device he's using so he can broadcast farther. Yeah, I really want that. I hate Desmond sure, but you are a holographic brain telling me you would like to BROADCAST TO PEOPLE. I do not trust you!
I make some excuse about needing to leave like "Oh I just thought of something." I head back to Desmond to tell him what I found and ask him if he knows what's up with there being a holographic brain in a cave in the middle of fucking nowhere.
He tells, with some fucking bitchy cheerios-pissed-in attitude, that the brain is Professor Calvert, of the Calvert family that Desmond hates and who hate him back. He says this like I should already know. No, Desmond, I don't get Holographic Brains And Their Stupid Grudges Weekly.
Desmond asks me to place a jammer on the big ferris wheel in town. I try to talk my way out of it. Uuuuh I'm scared of heights. He tells me I don't need to go on it, just put something on the bottom and run the wheel til it's on top. Dammit. Uuuuh, I'm scared of wheels? I'm uuuum, scared of you not doing this your fucking self? I don't know, none of these seem to work, so off with the jammer I go.
As I approach the wheel, there is a goddamn VOICE IN MY HEAD. It's that fucking brain! He's telling me to the destroy the jammer! He wants to send thoughts into people's heads! Come on! I super hate Brain right now, because I do not like voices in my fucking head. This jammer? It's going to the top of that fucking wheel! Fuck you BRAIN!
Of course, like a million tribals attack me afterwards. I kill them all and steal their unsubstantial amount of clothing.
Then I return to Desmond with renewed drive, renewed purpose! Find out where that brain actually is...and then MURDER IT. AND MURDER DESMOND. AND MURDER ALL THE TRIBALS.
BURN THE WHOLE CITY TO THE GROUND.
(Except moonshine lady)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Feeling Bogged Down
It's safe to say that Desmond and I got off to a rough start. I showed up at a bad time in his life (guys in underwear were attacking him) and helped him out because everyone one else would've killed me immediately. Well, tried to. It was just easier to help Des, and they all seemed like dicks. But then Desmond decides the first thing he will do is to just ask me for MORE help. Look dude, I helped you once. If you don't know where that chick is just say so and I will go about my business. But no, it's the fuckin' runaround.
He wants me to go some cathedral where the tribals are and "infiltrate them." I guess I am the first person to ever show up at his house that could potentially sneak their way into a goddamn church. "Oh they won't take just any recruit." Uh yes you will, you're a religion.
I go there and pretend like I'm really into their whole "being out of it, playing with fruits" thing and they HAPPILY INVITE ME IN. I'm told that to fully join them I need to go to some sacred fucking BOG and good lord, I will kill ALL of you soon.
I get to the bog and find some sacred plant and go to pick its seeds. Suddenly everything goes black and then I wake up and am seeing WEIRD SHIT. Oh what the hell, Reddy S. Gogh does not have time for fucking hallucinations. Giant bobbleheads are mocking me, as are the Nuka-Cola Quantums that explode every time I approach them.
See, I love Quantums because I love Nuka Grenades. The sight of one gives me tunnel vision and I dart immediately towards it with no regard to my surroundings whatsoever. If someone REALLY wanted to set a trap for me, they would just put a Quantum around and I would run to it gleefully. Or apparently you can also just ASK me to go something I don't even actually want to do and I will follow the arrow on my map like a goddamn SHEEP.
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO TRAP ME. FUCK.
Anyway this hallucination, there's dead bodies of people from DC and weird sawing and sewing and oh, the skeleton of my mom. Is my wasteland brain really this fucked up? I blame all the Jet and Buffout. NOT MY PRECIOUS WHISKEY THOUGH. IT GIVES ME MY POWER.
One of the bobbleheads reads, "Dead mother, life in a post-nuclear Wasteland and not a friend in it. Yeah, you aren’t exactly blessed."
I stare at it.
Not a friend in it? Not a friend in it?
What about the bestest goddamn friend a person could wish for: Fawkes, the badass super mutant.
I have plenty of friends! Fawkes, Dogmeat, Gob, uuuh, Wadsworth, ummm, my dad who is dead...
Look, most of the people I meet are stupid.
I finally awake from my weird, apparently self-deprecating dream somewhere outside of the bog. My hat isn't on anymore and I feel like shit I'm sure. Whiskey will cure this. I drink some. A bottle. Three bottles. And some vodka. Ooooh and I have bubblegum, that calms the nerves.
I head back to the church and find that not only is my hat off, but there's a big ass scar on my head! BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE CUT INTO IT. AND TOOK OUT SOME OF MY BRAIN.
Well, I almost burned down the building right then. But I felt it was important to find a way to get my hat back on and I feel now that they trust me and I should wait a little longer before gunning them down mercilessly. It seems like it would be...sweeter somehow that way.
In the church, I find Nadine who I guess is the girl I was looking for in the first place. She helps me out with the head thing and explains that she gave up looking for treasure and decided to just pick fruit with fuckheads instead. Good second choice, lady. You were fucking looking for treasure?
God why did I ever get on that boat?
TO BE CONTINUED YET AGAIN
He wants me to go some cathedral where the tribals are and "infiltrate them." I guess I am the first person to ever show up at his house that could potentially sneak their way into a goddamn church. "Oh they won't take just any recruit." Uh yes you will, you're a religion.
I go there and pretend like I'm really into their whole "being out of it, playing with fruits" thing and they HAPPILY INVITE ME IN. I'm told that to fully join them I need to go to some sacred fucking BOG and good lord, I will kill ALL of you soon.
I get to the bog and find some sacred plant and go to pick its seeds. Suddenly everything goes black and then I wake up and am seeing WEIRD SHIT. Oh what the hell, Reddy S. Gogh does not have time for fucking hallucinations. Giant bobbleheads are mocking me, as are the Nuka-Cola Quantums that explode every time I approach them.
See, I love Quantums because I love Nuka Grenades. The sight of one gives me tunnel vision and I dart immediately towards it with no regard to my surroundings whatsoever. If someone REALLY wanted to set a trap for me, they would just put a Quantum around and I would run to it gleefully. Or apparently you can also just ASK me to go something I don't even actually want to do and I will follow the arrow on my map like a goddamn SHEEP.
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO TRAP ME. FUCK.
Anyway this hallucination, there's dead bodies of people from DC and weird sawing and sewing and oh, the skeleton of my mom. Is my wasteland brain really this fucked up? I blame all the Jet and Buffout. NOT MY PRECIOUS WHISKEY THOUGH. IT GIVES ME MY POWER.
One of the bobbleheads reads, "Dead mother, life in a post-nuclear Wasteland and not a friend in it. Yeah, you aren’t exactly blessed."
I stare at it.
Not a friend in it? Not a friend in it?
What about the bestest goddamn friend a person could wish for: Fawkes, the badass super mutant.
I have plenty of friends! Fawkes, Dogmeat, Gob, uuuh, Wadsworth, ummm, my dad who is dead...
Look, most of the people I meet are stupid.
I finally awake from my weird, apparently self-deprecating dream somewhere outside of the bog. My hat isn't on anymore and I feel like shit I'm sure. Whiskey will cure this. I drink some. A bottle. Three bottles. And some vodka. Ooooh and I have bubblegum, that calms the nerves.
I head back to the church and find that not only is my hat off, but there's a big ass scar on my head! BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE CUT INTO IT. AND TOOK OUT SOME OF MY BRAIN.
Well, I almost burned down the building right then. But I felt it was important to find a way to get my hat back on and I feel now that they trust me and I should wait a little longer before gunning them down mercilessly. It seems like it would be...sweeter somehow that way.
In the church, I find Nadine who I guess is the girl I was looking for in the first place. She helps me out with the head thing and explains that she gave up looking for treasure and decided to just pick fruit with fuckheads instead. Good second choice, lady. You were fucking looking for treasure?
God why did I ever get on that boat?
TO BE CONTINUED YET AGAIN
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Lookout Bah-Low Me
I am going to write, for a while, about Point Lookout. It might take multiple entries. Two, maybe three. It might even take four of these goddamn things. This is because I went through entire area just ANGRY at every single person I encountered, save for two. Wait three. I forgot about the lady that'll make moonshine for me.
Mmmm Moonshine.
One day while wandering the Capital Wasteland, I come across a lady near a boat. Oh help me find my daughter, she shrieks. She went somewhere, probably on that boat. I stare at her skeptically. Go on a boat, huh? On a river huh? Uuuuuh, well, I'd love to help find one person who left of their own accord, but I got this whole...purifying vast amounts of water for the Wasteland thing that I'm working on? But I tell you what, I'll tuck this away on my little Pip-Boy here and get to it uh...laaaaater.
Sometime probably like MONTHS later, I'm scrolling through my quests and I see this thing about taking a boat and finding a girl and it sounds better than anything else I have left that I could possible do, and I already bothered that scribe at the purifier today, so...riverboat it is, I guess.
I give the guy on the boat some caps and he tells me to go take a nap. He also tells me that Fawkes can't come along, which makes angry already because Fawkes is just a guy and he will definitely fit on that boat and I have enough caps for both of us. BRING MY FRIEND ASSHOLE. Alas, he would not.
I get to this horrible land that I am already disgusted by and this is after hanging out in the WASTELAND. This place is awful. Where can I get a shower? Oh I can't. Oh right, I left all the purified water I swim around in back in the goddamn Capital Wasteland. Fucking shit.
Someone suggests I go check out this mansion because I have the look of a person who wants a mansion or wants to steal everything in a mansion. I get there and a ghoul in a suit is fighting with a bunch of dudes in hardly anything. I stare at all of them. I hope for a while that everyone will die in this fight. Ghoul in the suit prevails and introduces himself as Desmond. And I need to help him. Uuuuuuuh. I don't know if--oh we're going. We're doing something already. Oh god more dudes are attacking what the fuck. Can I leave? This is...I want to leave.
Too late to leave now though, dudes are attacking! So I help Desmond defend his mansion, thinking maybe he'll say less asshole-y things to me after I help him out. I don't know WHY I think this; it never happens. People whose lives I have LITERALLY SAVED MYSELF are still assholes to me.
The tribals finally all dead and murdered and were mostly just carrying fucking punga fruit, so I go back to Desmond.
"Hey Des, I helped with this whole thing stuff so you're welcome. Uh, I was looking for a chick, I think so it would be much appreciated if you could just point me in the ri-"
"YOU NEED TO GO ATTACK THOSE TRIBALS FOR ME"
"I uuuuuuh..."
"GOOOOO!"
I don't like you.
TO BE CONTINUED
Mmmm Moonshine.
One day while wandering the Capital Wasteland, I come across a lady near a boat. Oh help me find my daughter, she shrieks. She went somewhere, probably on that boat. I stare at her skeptically. Go on a boat, huh? On a river huh? Uuuuuh, well, I'd love to help find one person who left of their own accord, but I got this whole...purifying vast amounts of water for the Wasteland thing that I'm working on? But I tell you what, I'll tuck this away on my little Pip-Boy here and get to it uh...laaaaater.
Sometime probably like MONTHS later, I'm scrolling through my quests and I see this thing about taking a boat and finding a girl and it sounds better than anything else I have left that I could possible do, and I already bothered that scribe at the purifier today, so...riverboat it is, I guess.
I give the guy on the boat some caps and he tells me to go take a nap. He also tells me that Fawkes can't come along, which makes angry already because Fawkes is just a guy and he will definitely fit on that boat and I have enough caps for both of us. BRING MY FRIEND ASSHOLE. Alas, he would not.
I get to this horrible land that I am already disgusted by and this is after hanging out in the WASTELAND. This place is awful. Where can I get a shower? Oh I can't. Oh right, I left all the purified water I swim around in back in the goddamn Capital Wasteland. Fucking shit.
Someone suggests I go check out this mansion because I have the look of a person who wants a mansion or wants to steal everything in a mansion. I get there and a ghoul in a suit is fighting with a bunch of dudes in hardly anything. I stare at all of them. I hope for a while that everyone will die in this fight. Ghoul in the suit prevails and introduces himself as Desmond. And I need to help him. Uuuuuuuh. I don't know if--oh we're going. We're doing something already. Oh god more dudes are attacking what the fuck. Can I leave? This is...I want to leave.
Too late to leave now though, dudes are attacking! So I help Desmond defend his mansion, thinking maybe he'll say less asshole-y things to me after I help him out. I don't know WHY I think this; it never happens. People whose lives I have LITERALLY SAVED MYSELF are still assholes to me.
The tribals finally all dead and murdered and were mostly just carrying fucking punga fruit, so I go back to Desmond.
"Hey Des, I helped with this whole thing stuff so you're welcome. Uh, I was looking for a chick, I think so it would be much appreciated if you could just point me in the ri-"
"YOU NEED TO GO ATTACK THOSE TRIBALS FOR ME"
"I uuuuuuh..."
"GOOOOO!"
I don't like you.
TO BE CONTINUED
Monday, November 29, 2010
It Wasn't THAT Special.
I was bored the other day so I headed back to Nipton, intending to travel south and explore down there. Before I did though, I decided to stop in at that shop and check on Joe Cripple Powder Ganger who doesn't seem to give a shit about anything and is remaining remarkably spry and filled out for a dude who has been sitting in a chair with no food or water for some time.
I asked him what was up and he yelled at me, of course. I told him I needed to go, but I didn't really. Instead I picked up all the empty bottles, tin cans, old plates, burned up books, metal cooking pots, and general trash around the store and piled it all up around his feet.
THERE YA GO BUDDY!
NICE AND COZY!
After that I decided to go Deathclaw hunting across the river for a while. Rex is overly enthusiastic about it and likes to run into a horde of them and get himself killed immediately. Veronica likes to get stuck on rocks.
I left with several a Deathclaw Hand and Egg and decided I would go see what was up at the Thorn. I had been there once before, tried a fight with some Mantises. I killed them all super fast, but as I jumped up and down shouting "LOVE ME! PRAISE ME! I AM YOUR GOD!" suddenly the guards turned hostile and I had to cheeze it like mad, yo.
So I went back and asked Red Lucy what was up, she said Hello Stranger and I said, No, I'm the person who's been inside the Lucky 38, maybe you've heard of me? She wanted me to go get some eggs of some creatures so she can raise them to murder each other. I was down with this, but she asked me to get goddamn Mantis eggs first and THEN MAYBE she would ask me to do something harder. Hey lady, I have a like a full dozen Deathclaw eggs just ON ME right now. You sure you want to waste my time with Mantis eggs? You do? Well goddammit.
I go get her stupid eggs and come back. What now. Radscorpions? Ugh fine whatever. I get those eggs and go back to her. HERE YOU GO IT WAS SUPER EASY. Now what? Fire Geckos? Oh come onnnnnn.
TRUDGE TRUDGE TRUDGE.
Finally she wants Deathclaw eggs! Woohoo! Oh, I should go to the quarry or Death Wind Cave for them you say? Death Wind Cave it is.
In this cave is the giant LEGENDARY Deathclaw. And he went down like a little bitch.
Thanks for the eggs motherfuckerrrrrr.
I take her the eggs back and she's like Oh that is sooooo goooood. I got something special for you!
(It was her vagina).
I asked him what was up and he yelled at me, of course. I told him I needed to go, but I didn't really. Instead I picked up all the empty bottles, tin cans, old plates, burned up books, metal cooking pots, and general trash around the store and piled it all up around his feet.
THERE YA GO BUDDY!
NICE AND COZY!
After that I decided to go Deathclaw hunting across the river for a while. Rex is overly enthusiastic about it and likes to run into a horde of them and get himself killed immediately. Veronica likes to get stuck on rocks.
I left with several a Deathclaw Hand and Egg and decided I would go see what was up at the Thorn. I had been there once before, tried a fight with some Mantises. I killed them all super fast, but as I jumped up and down shouting "LOVE ME! PRAISE ME! I AM YOUR GOD!" suddenly the guards turned hostile and I had to cheeze it like mad, yo.
So I went back and asked Red Lucy what was up, she said Hello Stranger and I said, No, I'm the person who's been inside the Lucky 38, maybe you've heard of me? She wanted me to go get some eggs of some creatures so she can raise them to murder each other. I was down with this, but she asked me to get goddamn Mantis eggs first and THEN MAYBE she would ask me to do something harder. Hey lady, I have a like a full dozen Deathclaw eggs just ON ME right now. You sure you want to waste my time with Mantis eggs? You do? Well goddammit.
I go get her stupid eggs and come back. What now. Radscorpions? Ugh fine whatever. I get those eggs and go back to her. HERE YOU GO IT WAS SUPER EASY. Now what? Fire Geckos? Oh come onnnnnn.
TRUDGE TRUDGE TRUDGE.
Finally she wants Deathclaw eggs! Woohoo! Oh, I should go to the quarry or Death Wind Cave for them you say? Death Wind Cave it is.
In this cave is the giant LEGENDARY Deathclaw. And he went down like a little bitch.
Thanks for the eggs motherfuckerrrrrr.
I take her the eggs back and she's like Oh that is sooooo goooood. I got something special for you!
(It was her vagina).
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Just Making Awkward Conversation
People keep asking my dog if Benny begged for it before he killed him.
STOP ASKING MY DOG THAT, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE
HE'S A DOG
JUST
STOP IT
STOP ASKING MY DOG THAT, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE
HE'S A DOG
JUST
STOP IT
Collecting Digits
One of the very first things I did in the Wasteland was find a dead guy who had a finger laying on floor next to him. The finger weighed nothing and it seemed like something a weirdo might pay me hella caps for later so I grabbed it.
Now, over a month later, I am still carrying this finger around with me. I have found no one willing to pay me big money for an old, rotting finger that has been in my pocket for weeks and I am considering dropping it somewhere where I think it might bug people the most. In one of the casino's swimming pools? On the Boomer teacher's desk? On the floor of the New Vegas Clinic?
I finished Vault 22 finally, which I should've done along time ago except before I finished it I got sick of Veronica and got Cass instead and now I've gone back to Veronica again. I walked out of the Vault at the end and yelled "FUCK PLANTS FOREV--Oooh is that barrel cactus!?!?"
Yes it was.
I also killed a bunch of cazadors, which is super easy with my beloved Sniper Rifle now. The first time I tried to kill one was like:
"What is that a fucking a bug? I can kill a bug."
CAZADOR ATTACKS
"Oooowwwwwwwwwww, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. That fucking hurt."
My next goal is to find all those deathclaws along the river and try out my new Anti-Material Rifle. I know, I know, factions...struggle for power, hoover dam, whatever. I have a new giant gun, leave me alone.
Now, over a month later, I am still carrying this finger around with me. I have found no one willing to pay me big money for an old, rotting finger that has been in my pocket for weeks and I am considering dropping it somewhere where I think it might bug people the most. In one of the casino's swimming pools? On the Boomer teacher's desk? On the floor of the New Vegas Clinic?
I finished Vault 22 finally, which I should've done along time ago except before I finished it I got sick of Veronica and got Cass instead and now I've gone back to Veronica again. I walked out of the Vault at the end and yelled "FUCK PLANTS FOREV--Oooh is that barrel cactus!?!?"
Yes it was.
I also killed a bunch of cazadors, which is super easy with my beloved Sniper Rifle now. The first time I tried to kill one was like:
"What is that a fucking a bug? I can kill a bug."
CAZADOR ATTACKS
"Oooowwwwwwwwwww, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. That fucking hurt."
My next goal is to find all those deathclaws along the river and try out my new Anti-Material Rifle. I know, I know, factions...struggle for power, hoover dam, whatever. I have a new giant gun, leave me alone.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Maybe This Is Why They Don't Like Me
Conversation I keep having with this NCR Ranger:
ME: HELLO NCR RANGER!
HIM: What do you need?
ME: I need to get going. (Apparently)
HIM: Bye.
ME: HELLO NCR RANGER!
HIM: What do you need?
ME: I need to get going. (Apparently)
HIM: Bye.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
It's A Pretty Simple Policy.
Hey!
Hey you fucking bird.
You stupid fucking crow landing over there like a fuckhead.
Fuck you!
You are fucking annoying.
"Oh my gosh look something is showing up friendly on my compass over there! What could it be?"
Oh, it's a FUCKING CROW.
Do you know why my policy is to kill you from now on?
It's because I don't like you.
Hey you fucking bird.
You stupid fucking crow landing over there like a fuckhead.
Fuck you!
You are fucking annoying.
"Oh my gosh look something is showing up friendly on my compass over there! What could it be?"
Oh, it's a FUCKING CROW.
Do you know why my policy is to kill you from now on?
It's because I don't like you.
Friday, November 12, 2010
It's the Pitts.
(Fallout 3 story from the The Pitt DLC)
To put it lightly, everyone in the Pitt immediately pissed me off. The slavers/raiders for being assholes, the slaves for being annoying. I would've just left immediately and gone back to the Wasteland, but I wanted to get at that ammo press and turn every bit of ammo I had into .44 and .308 ammo for my beloved Victory Rifle and its little buddy, Blackhawk. I'm doing this for you, guns!
I get there, I disguise myself as a slave and the dude at the front gate takes all my guns. I can only imagine the shock they must feel when they see how much artillery I am carrying around on me. If I kill a guy and he has more than one gun or more than 50 caps, I'm like FUCKING JACKPOT! I must've been there for hours, just putting guns and grenades and bullets and chems on the table. Don't you fuckers break these, they're very important to me. Don't drink my whiskey either, just hold on to it til I come back and murder everyone.
I eventually get to the point where I'm gonna do some arena battles I guess and win my freedom. They gave me some shit guns and I'm like, whatever. Every battle lasted approximately 8 seconds as I walked into the arena, VATS, and shot the heads off both the other dudes. "LET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE E'ERYONE'S DEAD."
I get all my guns back and oh good people have requests for me. They want me to pick sides and shit. Oh the slaves want a cure for the weird whatever thing sure fine that's great. I get sent to talk to the Slaver bigwig dude. On the way I'm walking up through a large catwalk with various raiders that I would stop and talk to and then write their name on a sheet of paper titled "KILL LATER."
"oh nice to meet you...O-Dog. Yes yes, I'm sure you're very condescending. Lucky for me that pisses me off a lot. I will put you on the kill list. It is much longer than the don't kill list because that list is empty."
One chick, Vikia had a sniper rifle. And with the condition of my current rifle not being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, I made a special note of where she was. As she tried to shoot some cans from not very far away at all, I talked to her and she was ALSO very condescending and rude! Excellent! I shot all her cans myself, and grinned as I left. She would be QUITE fun to kill and loot later!
Finally I get to wherever I was going, and make for the room that supposedly contains this "cure." The cure is...a baby.
STEAL. A BABY.
Yes, I think I can do this. I mean as long as I ain't keeping it, I'm just fencing it. I will totally steal a baby then.
I grab the kid and I guess Bjorn it to my torso, and took off running back out of the building. And lucky fucking me! All the raiders I had been listing to kill were upset me! Woohoo! I run down the ramps and catwalks, killing everyone and using the baby to absorb many a bullet. I lobbed nuka grenades into rooms and oh when I got to Vikia, yesssss it was glorious.
I kept running until I got to a point where I seemed unable to get...down to the goddamn ground. I was just running in a fucking circle, shooting raiders that were coming out of who the fuck knows where, looking at the ground below. Then I decided, as I often do, fuck it, I can jump that.
I hit a med-x, got a running start and leapt off the catwalk, yelling
"HOLD ON, BABY!!!!"
We survived the fall and I sold the baby for a cool...oh, access to the ammo thing, I guess that's what I wanted.
Stupid baby.
To put it lightly, everyone in the Pitt immediately pissed me off. The slavers/raiders for being assholes, the slaves for being annoying. I would've just left immediately and gone back to the Wasteland, but I wanted to get at that ammo press and turn every bit of ammo I had into .44 and .308 ammo for my beloved Victory Rifle and its little buddy, Blackhawk. I'm doing this for you, guns!
I get there, I disguise myself as a slave and the dude at the front gate takes all my guns. I can only imagine the shock they must feel when they see how much artillery I am carrying around on me. If I kill a guy and he has more than one gun or more than 50 caps, I'm like FUCKING JACKPOT! I must've been there for hours, just putting guns and grenades and bullets and chems on the table. Don't you fuckers break these, they're very important to me. Don't drink my whiskey either, just hold on to it til I come back and murder everyone.
I eventually get to the point where I'm gonna do some arena battles I guess and win my freedom. They gave me some shit guns and I'm like, whatever. Every battle lasted approximately 8 seconds as I walked into the arena, VATS, and shot the heads off both the other dudes. "LET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE E'ERYONE'S DEAD."
I get all my guns back and oh good people have requests for me. They want me to pick sides and shit. Oh the slaves want a cure for the weird whatever thing sure fine that's great. I get sent to talk to the Slaver bigwig dude. On the way I'm walking up through a large catwalk with various raiders that I would stop and talk to and then write their name on a sheet of paper titled "KILL LATER."
"oh nice to meet you...O-Dog. Yes yes, I'm sure you're very condescending. Lucky for me that pisses me off a lot. I will put you on the kill list. It is much longer than the don't kill list because that list is empty."
One chick, Vikia had a sniper rifle. And with the condition of my current rifle not being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, I made a special note of where she was. As she tried to shoot some cans from not very far away at all, I talked to her and she was ALSO very condescending and rude! Excellent! I shot all her cans myself, and grinned as I left. She would be QUITE fun to kill and loot later!
Finally I get to wherever I was going, and make for the room that supposedly contains this "cure." The cure is...a baby.
STEAL. A BABY.
Yes, I think I can do this. I mean as long as I ain't keeping it, I'm just fencing it. I will totally steal a baby then.
I grab the kid and I guess Bjorn it to my torso, and took off running back out of the building. And lucky fucking me! All the raiders I had been listing to kill were upset me! Woohoo! I run down the ramps and catwalks, killing everyone and using the baby to absorb many a bullet. I lobbed nuka grenades into rooms and oh when I got to Vikia, yesssss it was glorious.
I kept running until I got to a point where I seemed unable to get...down to the goddamn ground. I was just running in a fucking circle, shooting raiders that were coming out of who the fuck knows where, looking at the ground below. Then I decided, as I often do, fuck it, I can jump that.
I hit a med-x, got a running start and leapt off the catwalk, yelling
"HOLD ON, BABY!!!!"
We survived the fall and I sold the baby for a cool...oh, access to the ammo thing, I guess that's what I wanted.
Stupid baby.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I'm Making My Own Vegas! With Blackjack! And Hookers!
Well, getting the luck implant and the naughty nightwear really turned things around at the casinos for me as I am now banned from all of them. I didn't get any free drinks in the Ultra-Luxe at all while I was winning though. Is this a bug? Or is it that dead guy on the floor that's supposed to be bringing them to me?
And for the record, I did not kill that guy. I don't know WHAT happened.
I finally went and talked to Mr. House again, who immediately demanded I give him in the Platinum Chip. He got all like pissy at me when I refused at first and then fucking called me names! You want to piss me off, that's a good place to start. Officially going to murder him. Call me a primate what the fuck, at least I can LEAVE THE FUCKING BUILDING you piece of shit.
Then he makes me go watch as he upgrades his robots or whatever and I'm like really? Missile launchers? The machine gun and laser wasn't enough to keep Joe Gambler in line you think you need fucking missile launchers? Fucking overkill much buddy?
And for the record, I will still kick that robot's ass.
Also, I threw all the books off your shelves. They are in a huge pile on the floor now. That's right, your fucking World Book Encyclopedia? It's allllll out of order.
And this table you had set? It's not set anymore. Who the fuck are you setting a table for anyways, you ain't got no friends and your robots don't eat food.
Gonna. Murder. You.
So, yes, I have decided to go for an independent New Vegas, by which I mean I will hopefully be the only one left alive.
Also I shot that Crimson Caravan bitch for Cass and now the NCR thinks I'm a Soft-Hearted Devil instead of Unpredictable. Maybe they'll stop telling me to pick a side now.
And for the record, I did not kill that guy. I don't know WHAT happened.
I finally went and talked to Mr. House again, who immediately demanded I give him in the Platinum Chip. He got all like pissy at me when I refused at first and then fucking called me names! You want to piss me off, that's a good place to start. Officially going to murder him. Call me a primate what the fuck, at least I can LEAVE THE FUCKING BUILDING you piece of shit.
Then he makes me go watch as he upgrades his robots or whatever and I'm like really? Missile launchers? The machine gun and laser wasn't enough to keep Joe Gambler in line you think you need fucking missile launchers? Fucking overkill much buddy?
And for the record, I will still kick that robot's ass.
Also, I threw all the books off your shelves. They are in a huge pile on the floor now. That's right, your fucking World Book Encyclopedia? It's allllll out of order.
And this table you had set? It's not set anymore. Who the fuck are you setting a table for anyways, you ain't got no friends and your robots don't eat food.
Gonna. Murder. You.
So, yes, I have decided to go for an independent New Vegas, by which I mean I will hopefully be the only one left alive.
Also I shot that Crimson Caravan bitch for Cass and now the NCR thinks I'm a Soft-Hearted Devil instead of Unpredictable. Maybe they'll stop telling me to pick a side now.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Take The Things I Drop On You, Dammit, I'm Trying to Be Nice.
The other day a local in Freeside walked up to me to tell me something about someone being in the Lucky 38, gosh who could it be. IT'S ME. IT'S FUCKING ME. I HAVE BRIGHT BLUE HAIR I AM VERY DISTINCT LOOKING. Anyways, this local was filthy. She was just covered in dirt. I pulled up my pimp boy and dropped a box of detergent at her feet, but she walked away without even considering my makeover offer. Fuck you too lady.
Then I went to Gomorrah for a bit and tried dropping stacks of pre-war money on the prostitutes but they seemed unimpressed.
Today my plan is to get some clothes and an implant to up my luck. I am so sick of losing with 6 luck. It is the worst kind of losing. I get 19, dealer gets 20. I get 20, dealer gets 21.
I GET 21.
THE DEALER ALSO GETS 21. AAAUUUUGH.
FUCK YOUR CARDS FUCK YOUR CHIPS FUCK YOU ALL
I WILL INCREASE MY LUCK COME BACK AND DESTROY EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN CASINO.
Then I went to Gomorrah for a bit and tried dropping stacks of pre-war money on the prostitutes but they seemed unimpressed.
Today my plan is to get some clothes and an implant to up my luck. I am so sick of losing with 6 luck. It is the worst kind of losing. I get 19, dealer gets 20. I get 20, dealer gets 21.
I GET 21.
THE DEALER ALSO GETS 21. AAAUUUUGH.
FUCK YOUR CARDS FUCK YOUR CHIPS FUCK YOU ALL
I WILL INCREASE MY LUCK COME BACK AND DESTROY EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN CASINO.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Et Tu, Blue?
I'm hanging with the Khans. I'm not entirely sure I love them because of how violent they seem, but I've never seen them crucify people so that's a big plus. They're thinking of allying with Caesar's people though and I need some evidence that Caesar is an asshole to convince them not to. I guess all the DEMONSTRABLE BEHAVIOR isn't enough. He wants me to get his book that is where? In Caesar's tent. Fuck.
I can't even get near it because they all hate me so much. I tried disguising myself and the dogs find me, and everyone in his tent immediately makes with the murdering and I tried a stealth boy but the same thing happened, so finally I decided my only option was the GUNS ABLAZING one.
I loaded up on ammo and chems, grabbed Cass and Rex, and hopped on the boat to the Fort. And then uh...killed everyone. Mostly with my most glorious sniper rifle. (ALL HAIL SNIPER RIFLE)
I walked into Caesar's tent and BAM ONE SHOT RIGHT IN THE BRAIN. WAPOW.
After all was said and done, I looted all the bodies and tried to tell the slaves there to GO HOME, but they wouldn't. They just said "excuse me." I opened the gate for the Brahmin and yelled "RUN BRAHMIN! BE FREE! ROAM THE WILDERNESS." But alas, even his spirit had been crushed.
I went to Freeside next and was jumped by a thug. Cass shot him and I spent a while trying to prop his body up on a bench all Weekend at Bernie's style. By the time I had him sufficiently posed, ANOTHER thug comes at me. And while in the middle of making him look like he just fell asleep on a pile of rubble? Another thug! I hid him in a bus stop and hurried to go about my business before more dead bodies showed up.
To relieve the stress of the day, I went to visit Santiago at the Atomic Wrangler and as we got our groove on, Cass suddenly says.
"Be careful if we go off the road."
Haha uh, okay! Not really on a road here!
I can't even get near it because they all hate me so much. I tried disguising myself and the dogs find me, and everyone in his tent immediately makes with the murdering and I tried a stealth boy but the same thing happened, so finally I decided my only option was the GUNS ABLAZING one.
I loaded up on ammo and chems, grabbed Cass and Rex, and hopped on the boat to the Fort. And then uh...killed everyone. Mostly with my most glorious sniper rifle. (ALL HAIL SNIPER RIFLE)
I walked into Caesar's tent and BAM ONE SHOT RIGHT IN THE BRAIN. WAPOW.
After all was said and done, I looted all the bodies and tried to tell the slaves there to GO HOME, but they wouldn't. They just said "excuse me." I opened the gate for the Brahmin and yelled "RUN BRAHMIN! BE FREE! ROAM THE WILDERNESS." But alas, even his spirit had been crushed.
I went to Freeside next and was jumped by a thug. Cass shot him and I spent a while trying to prop his body up on a bench all Weekend at Bernie's style. By the time I had him sufficiently posed, ANOTHER thug comes at me. And while in the middle of making him look like he just fell asleep on a pile of rubble? Another thug! I hid him in a bus stop and hurried to go about my business before more dead bodies showed up.
To relieve the stress of the day, I went to visit Santiago at the Atomic Wrangler and as we got our groove on, Cass suddenly says.
"Be careful if we go off the road."
Haha uh, okay! Not really on a road here!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I See Dead Hookers.
I spent most of yesterday hanging out in Gomorrah. It's probably my least favorite casino on the strip honestly because everyone there just tells me to fuck off constantly. Though I hate the Ultra-Luxe too...maybe Gomorrah wins out just for the abundance of prostitutes.
These prostitutes by the way, love to tell me how "tasty" I look. And that if they weren't working, they would show me a good time. You're a prostitute. Showing me a good time is your work. Then a gambler mentions that things are alllll stirred up on the Strip lately and did I hear? Someone's been inside the Lucky 38! Also, did Benny beg for it when you offed him? Huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh I'M LEAVING.
I went upstairs to where there are lots of pool tables and decided to waste time there. I took one of the triangles and a bunch of balls and tried to rack them but it didn't work so I threw them on the floor and jumped up and down on them for a while. Then I took the triangles from all the tables and try to arrange them in a tessellation on one table but that was taking too long so I climbed on the table and jumped up and down on them. Then I threw everything in the room on the floor, punched a few shot glasses and empty whiskey bottles and finally decided to get on with the mission I was half-assedly doing.
I go check on the Camden or Clamden or Clanden or whatever the fuck his name is and find out, of course, he's killing hookers. I did something and he got mad and I murdered him. As I left the room, I shut the door and told the guard outside that everyone was, naturally, quite fine.
After finishing the mission, I was doing some more meandering in the hotel when I found the dude's hooker killing room. I open the door and...out walks a hooker. I try to talk to her, but instead get a prompt to examine the body. Uuuh okay?
"THIS HOOKER WAS MURDERED BY BEING STRANGLED YO"
Whaaaaaa? She's...alive though she's looking right at me. She's...telling Rex that's not what they mean by doggy style. Now she's looking at me. Oh god, hide.
I hide behind Cass. The hooker keeps staring at me. Go away Ghost Hooker. Go awaaaaaaaay.
Whiskey time.
Aaaaaaah she's walking over here.
"You look tasty."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
These prostitutes by the way, love to tell me how "tasty" I look. And that if they weren't working, they would show me a good time. You're a prostitute. Showing me a good time is your work. Then a gambler mentions that things are alllll stirred up on the Strip lately and did I hear? Someone's been inside the Lucky 38! Also, did Benny beg for it when you offed him? Huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh I'M LEAVING.
I went upstairs to where there are lots of pool tables and decided to waste time there. I took one of the triangles and a bunch of balls and tried to rack them but it didn't work so I threw them on the floor and jumped up and down on them for a while. Then I took the triangles from all the tables and try to arrange them in a tessellation on one table but that was taking too long so I climbed on the table and jumped up and down on them. Then I threw everything in the room on the floor, punched a few shot glasses and empty whiskey bottles and finally decided to get on with the mission I was half-assedly doing.
I go check on the Camden or Clamden or Clanden or whatever the fuck his name is and find out, of course, he's killing hookers. I did something and he got mad and I murdered him. As I left the room, I shut the door and told the guard outside that everyone was, naturally, quite fine.
After finishing the mission, I was doing some more meandering in the hotel when I found the dude's hooker killing room. I open the door and...out walks a hooker. I try to talk to her, but instead get a prompt to examine the body. Uuuh okay?
"THIS HOOKER WAS MURDERED BY BEING STRANGLED YO"
Whaaaaaa? She's...alive though she's looking right at me. She's...telling Rex that's not what they mean by doggy style. Now she's looking at me. Oh god, hide.
I hide behind Cass. The hooker keeps staring at me. Go away Ghost Hooker. Go awaaaaaaaay.
Whiskey time.
Aaaaaaah she's walking over here.
"You look tasty."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Open Your Books to Page SIT THE FUCK DOWN
I headed up north to see the Boomers yesterday, and after like two days of doing little favors for them, I am IDOLIZED there.
The NCR though? Now I'm "Unpredictable." Fuck you too NCR. I'm not unpredictable! It is easy to predict that if you all start trying to shoot at me, I am going to shoot you back. That is very fucking predictable.
I have killed huge deathclaws for you. Gathered medical supplies, healed wounded soldiers, brought back dog tags and legion ears, killed Fiends, disarmed a bomb on your fucking monorail, and helped fight off all the legion at Nelson. And you're like, oh we don't know if we like because you also seem to have a fucking spine when we are cocks to you. Well guess what I don't like you either and the things neatly lined up on your shelves shall pay.
The Boomers? They fucking LOOOOOVE me. What did I even have to do for that? I killed a few ants, no problem. I did some going back and forth to get two lovebirds hooked up. I found a little girl's goddamn teddy bear. I got fame just for talking to those kids and being all super charismatic.
I didn't have to...take on an entire enemy camp for them. I was just fucking helpful and they were like Ooooooh man you are the best!
So fuck you NCR I am not helping with anything, I am moving into the barracks here and never leaving.
Oh also, I was in that schoolhouse with boomer kids at like 11 pm on a Tuesday and the teacher was nowhere to be found. What the fuck. I tried to substitute teach, but the kids wouldn't even stay in their seats and shut up for like 10 fucking seconds so I jumped on the teacher's desk, kicked everything off it, threw all the books off the shelves, and then left. PUBLIC EDUCATION IS BROKEN.
The NCR though? Now I'm "Unpredictable." Fuck you too NCR. I'm not unpredictable! It is easy to predict that if you all start trying to shoot at me, I am going to shoot you back. That is very fucking predictable.
I have killed huge deathclaws for you. Gathered medical supplies, healed wounded soldiers, brought back dog tags and legion ears, killed Fiends, disarmed a bomb on your fucking monorail, and helped fight off all the legion at Nelson. And you're like, oh we don't know if we like because you also seem to have a fucking spine when we are cocks to you. Well guess what I don't like you either and the things neatly lined up on your shelves shall pay.
The Boomers? They fucking LOOOOOVE me. What did I even have to do for that? I killed a few ants, no problem. I did some going back and forth to get two lovebirds hooked up. I found a little girl's goddamn teddy bear. I got fame just for talking to those kids and being all super charismatic.
I didn't have to...take on an entire enemy camp for them. I was just fucking helpful and they were like Ooooooh man you are the best!
So fuck you NCR I am not helping with anything, I am moving into the barracks here and never leaving.
Oh also, I was in that schoolhouse with boomer kids at like 11 pm on a Tuesday and the teacher was nowhere to be found. What the fuck. I tried to substitute teach, but the kids wouldn't even stay in their seats and shut up for like 10 fucking seconds so I jumped on the teacher's desk, kicked everything off it, threw all the books off the shelves, and then left. PUBLIC EDUCATION IS BROKEN.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Ode To My Sniper Rifle
Oh Sniper Rifle.
Have my deadly armor-piercing bullet-babies that will fire out of you and into the sides of deathclaws who are not even aware of our presence, and then collapse to the ground in a slumped heap.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
You cost me mad crazy caps and to mod you cost even more but I regret not a single cap. Deathclaws do not frighten me now for you will keep me safe.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
Fuck those Deathclaws so hard. Fuck them. So. Hard.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
I am going to all the shops and buying .308 ammo and things to make more .308 ammo and things to make more weapon repair kits for I shall keep you shiny until the day I die of old age or of falling off something totally way too high that I was like "I can so make this jump" at even though I couldn't, because with you next to me I will never be killed by any of the horrible monsters of the wastes.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
I love you.
Have my deadly armor-piercing bullet-babies that will fire out of you and into the sides of deathclaws who are not even aware of our presence, and then collapse to the ground in a slumped heap.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
You cost me mad crazy caps and to mod you cost even more but I regret not a single cap. Deathclaws do not frighten me now for you will keep me safe.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
Fuck those Deathclaws so hard. Fuck them. So. Hard.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
I am going to all the shops and buying .308 ammo and things to make more .308 ammo and things to make more weapon repair kits for I shall keep you shiny until the day I die of old age or of falling off something totally way too high that I was like "I can so make this jump" at even though I couldn't, because with you next to me I will never be killed by any of the horrible monsters of the wastes.
Oh Sniper Rifle.
I love you.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Cass Is Like Everyone's Grandma
I visited Michael Angelo's shop and as he whined about his lack of inspiration, I offered to take pictures of Wasteland for him, since his pansy-ass is too pansy to go out there itself. He gives me a sweet "Codac" camera and I immediately point it at Cass and ED-E who are perfectly posed for a picture. I zoom in and Cass says to me,
"Don't point that thing at me."
..but, but...picture? You guys look so great!
I...
I took the picture quick and hoped Cass wouldn't be upset with me.
Later as we wandered the countryside, I took a picture of something cool I saw. From behind me I hear Cass again
"Waste of ammo."
It's not a waste of ammo! It's...well it's film first of all, but it's not a waste! These are our memories dammit! I'm gonna cherish these forever Cass! What the hell!
Now go stand next to that giant radscorpion you shot. SMILE!
"Don't point that thing at me."
..but, but...picture? You guys look so great!
I...
I took the picture quick and hoped Cass wouldn't be upset with me.
Later as we wandered the countryside, I took a picture of something cool I saw. From behind me I hear Cass again
"Waste of ammo."
It's not a waste of ammo! It's...well it's film first of all, but it's not a waste! These are our memories dammit! I'm gonna cherish these forever Cass! What the hell!
Now go stand next to that giant radscorpion you shot. SMILE!
Escape From (And Return To) Rivet City
(Fallout 3 story!)
So back in the day, my favorite place to wreak havoc was Rivet City. This huge boat, filled with people I found to be mostly just annoying, made for many opportunities to bother them. I would often climb on top of Bannon's shop and shoot the items off the shelves in Seagrave's shop. People would walk by and look at me and I would shoot the ground next to them and tell them to move it the fuck along.
When I first got to Rivet City, I met a chick named Mei Wong who told me she was an ex-slave. Noted. I went on to talk to everybody else, until finally running into a dude named Sister. One of the first things I could tell him was that so-and-so used to be slave. He leaves suddenly and I get negative karma! What the hell, I think. I tell everyone about Paulie's horrible chem addictions, why did I suddenly get frowned at for this? Granted everyone already knew about Paulie...you can't walk within 10 feet of the dude without him asking if you wanna go do some Buffout! No Paulie. I get my strength from whiskey, leave me alone. Go bankrupt your wife's shop or something.
I investigate this Sister dude further and find out that he used to be slaver and presumably, recaptured Mei and she's gone for good now. Well, suck. I'm not talking to him anymore.
I find Angela, and ask her how the seducing Diego thing is going. OH IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME ROOFIES I MEAN ANT QUEEN PHEROMONES. Well hey, I got some of those. I give 'em to her and she is like oh my god yes getting some from a celibate priest guy tonight.
I visit Flak, buy some .308 ammo. I tell James Hargrave to run away from home and he does. I laugh heartily.
I can't get this annoyance at Sister out of my head though. I gotta...I gotta kill him. I have to.
Oh let me check on Angela first. They're getting married! The wedding is tomorrow at 3pm! Fuck, you guys don't waste any time. And I'm invited! Awesome!
I go looking for Sister and find his room. I know! I'll rob him first, then he'll walk into his empty pillaged room and I will pop out and shoot him! Hahahaha! I pick the lock and find that this fucker has NOTHING. He has a pile of scrap metal for me to steal. Fuck. God fucking dammit. There goes ALL OF THE EFFECT now. I stand there for the second when I see him bed. Ooooohmuahahaha. I will put...a mine. IN. HIS. BED. I check the clock. 8 pm. Wait til after the wedding tomorrow? No, I am impatient.
I throw the mine down and go stand outside his room. I wait an hour. Wait another hour. ANOTHER HOUR. C'mon dude. I look inside. The mine is still there, where is he? I wait another hour.
...
BLAM!
Suddenly everyone turns to attack me, as Sister has met his end on his bed. FUCK! Fuck fuck, I gotta run! I head down a hallway into door that says Stairwell. Up the stairwell, out the door and...shit shit shit. This is the top of the boat! No bridge to shore here! Fuck fuck! Uuhhh. I turn around to see security running out the door after me. I look over the edge of the boat. I..I think I can survive that? I hit a Med-X, back up, run and jump for it!
SPLOOSH!
I hit the water and survive, turning back to yell "SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR THE WEDDING!" I swim to shore, fast travel to Megaton, unload my stuff, take a quick sleep and fast travel back to Rivet City. I hurry down the bridge to find that everyone has stopped being mad at me, although the guard looked at me and said he was looking for troublemakers, have I seen any?
No sir officer.
I rush back inside, searching for the chapel. Finally find it, and awkwardly take a seat right up front just as Angela and Diego say their "I do"s and I get some good karma.
SUCCESS.
So back in the day, my favorite place to wreak havoc was Rivet City. This huge boat, filled with people I found to be mostly just annoying, made for many opportunities to bother them. I would often climb on top of Bannon's shop and shoot the items off the shelves in Seagrave's shop. People would walk by and look at me and I would shoot the ground next to them and tell them to move it the fuck along.
When I first got to Rivet City, I met a chick named Mei Wong who told me she was an ex-slave. Noted. I went on to talk to everybody else, until finally running into a dude named Sister. One of the first things I could tell him was that so-and-so used to be slave. He leaves suddenly and I get negative karma! What the hell, I think. I tell everyone about Paulie's horrible chem addictions, why did I suddenly get frowned at for this? Granted everyone already knew about Paulie...you can't walk within 10 feet of the dude without him asking if you wanna go do some Buffout! No Paulie. I get my strength from whiskey, leave me alone. Go bankrupt your wife's shop or something.
I investigate this Sister dude further and find out that he used to be slaver and presumably, recaptured Mei and she's gone for good now. Well, suck. I'm not talking to him anymore.
I find Angela, and ask her how the seducing Diego thing is going. OH IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME ROOFIES I MEAN ANT QUEEN PHEROMONES. Well hey, I got some of those. I give 'em to her and she is like oh my god yes getting some from a celibate priest guy tonight.
I visit Flak, buy some .308 ammo. I tell James Hargrave to run away from home and he does. I laugh heartily.
I can't get this annoyance at Sister out of my head though. I gotta...I gotta kill him. I have to.
Oh let me check on Angela first. They're getting married! The wedding is tomorrow at 3pm! Fuck, you guys don't waste any time. And I'm invited! Awesome!
I go looking for Sister and find his room. I know! I'll rob him first, then he'll walk into his empty pillaged room and I will pop out and shoot him! Hahahaha! I pick the lock and find that this fucker has NOTHING. He has a pile of scrap metal for me to steal. Fuck. God fucking dammit. There goes ALL OF THE EFFECT now. I stand there for the second when I see him bed. Ooooohmuahahaha. I will put...a mine. IN. HIS. BED. I check the clock. 8 pm. Wait til after the wedding tomorrow? No, I am impatient.
I throw the mine down and go stand outside his room. I wait an hour. Wait another hour. ANOTHER HOUR. C'mon dude. I look inside. The mine is still there, where is he? I wait another hour.
...
BLAM!
Suddenly everyone turns to attack me, as Sister has met his end on his bed. FUCK! Fuck fuck, I gotta run! I head down a hallway into door that says Stairwell. Up the stairwell, out the door and...shit shit shit. This is the top of the boat! No bridge to shore here! Fuck fuck! Uuhhh. I turn around to see security running out the door after me. I look over the edge of the boat. I..I think I can survive that? I hit a Med-X, back up, run and jump for it!
SPLOOSH!
I hit the water and survive, turning back to yell "SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR THE WEDDING!" I swim to shore, fast travel to Megaton, unload my stuff, take a quick sleep and fast travel back to Rivet City. I hurry down the bridge to find that everyone has stopped being mad at me, although the guard looked at me and said he was looking for troublemakers, have I seen any?
No sir officer.
I rush back inside, searching for the chapel. Finally find it, and awkwardly take a seat right up front just as Angela and Diego say their "I do"s and I get some good karma.
SUCCESS.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Oh God, This Is A Mess. I Have to Fix This.
Today I killed the Van Graffs. Then took their bodies and piled them up in the dumpster outside their shop. It took forever because of all the limbs that had fallen off, but goddammit I did it. I'm not gonna have those bodies rotting in the street, scaring customers away from the Atomic Wrangler after I worked so hard to get them a bunch of prostitutes.
Then I wandered over to Novac and into that tent they have outside. A Novac settler stood around in there as I threw all of the glasses and plates off the tables and counters and jumped up and down on them yelling "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
I picked
so
fucking
much
prickly pear.
FUCK YES.
It was an excellent day, yes.
Then I wandered over to Novac and into that tent they have outside. A Novac settler stood around in there as I threw all of the glasses and plates off the tables and counters and jumped up and down on them yelling "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
I picked
so
fucking
much
prickly pear.
FUCK YES.
It was an excellent day, yes.
Is There An Ending to The Game Where I Burn Everything Down?
I spent most of the day on Friday drinking whiskey and recruiting people/things to be prostitutes for the Atomic Wrangler. I felt drunk and helpful.
Last night, I helped another prostitute get out of her job and helped two chem addicts kick their addictions. I again felt quite helpful.
I helped get pictures of landmarks for the billboard maker.
I helped settle an argument between the Kings and NCR.
Fuck all you factions. Fuck you so hard. I don't give a shit about your dam or your power plants or your weapons. I am doing good work out here in these rough parts of town. If there was a mission where I could help set up a shelter in Westside so these locals wouldn't have to just sleep on the goddamn ground, I would do it over and over and over.
Fuck you Legion. You have stupid rules and rituals. You are like a stupid church being all like we hate this stuff because someone told us to. Fuck you NCR. Put up a fucking sign if I'm not supposed to walk somewhere. I don't regret the fact that Cass shot four of you, and I looted your corpses and hid them in the bushes. Fuck you Powder Gangers for being assholes just because.
Fuck everyone who wants this fucking Platinum Chip. Gonna drop this thing in a fucking well. Gonna destroy the fuck out of it. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. Keep me out of your goddamn fight.
I have drinking to do.
Aaaaaaahhhhh.
Also I accidentally pissed off the White Gloves when I was punching empty whiskey bottles off their bar and maybe kinda sorta punched a bartender in the process.
I'M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT SHE WALKED RIGHT INTO MY FIST.
Last night, I helped another prostitute get out of her job and helped two chem addicts kick their addictions. I again felt quite helpful.
I helped get pictures of landmarks for the billboard maker.
I helped settle an argument between the Kings and NCR.
Fuck all you factions. Fuck you so hard. I don't give a shit about your dam or your power plants or your weapons. I am doing good work out here in these rough parts of town. If there was a mission where I could help set up a shelter in Westside so these locals wouldn't have to just sleep on the goddamn ground, I would do it over and over and over.
Fuck you Legion. You have stupid rules and rituals. You are like a stupid church being all like we hate this stuff because someone told us to. Fuck you NCR. Put up a fucking sign if I'm not supposed to walk somewhere. I don't regret the fact that Cass shot four of you, and I looted your corpses and hid them in the bushes. Fuck you Powder Gangers for being assholes just because.
Fuck everyone who wants this fucking Platinum Chip. Gonna drop this thing in a fucking well. Gonna destroy the fuck out of it. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. Keep me out of your goddamn fight.
I have drinking to do.
Aaaaaaahhhhh.
Also I accidentally pissed off the White Gloves when I was punching empty whiskey bottles off their bar and maybe kinda sorta punched a bartender in the process.
I'M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT SHE WALKED RIGHT INTO MY FIST.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Maybe This Is Why I Never Get Free Drinks...
My new favorite game is to go into the casinos, jump on one of them there gambling tables and then play "The Floor is Lava."
I can't imagine a drunk crazy chick with bright blue hair in combat armor, with a robot and another drunk jumping on the table in the middle of your blackjack game is all that endearing.
Haha fuck you guys. I'm kicking your caaaaards.
I can't imagine a drunk crazy chick with bright blue hair in combat armor, with a robot and another drunk jumping on the table in the middle of your blackjack game is all that endearing.
Haha fuck you guys. I'm kicking your caaaaards.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
It's Just That You Scream At Everything...
(This is a story from Fallout 3)
My favorite gun in Fallout 3 was the special sniper rifle called the "Victory Rifle." The best thing about this gun was that it made people fall down. Making people fall down from far away is unbelievably satisfying. Especially when they get up and go right back to whatever they were doing, hopelessly confused about who just shot them. Even after completing a bunch of the DLC and the main story and side quests, I would still grab my unstoppable mutant pal Fawkes and go wander around looking for people in perfect places for me to knock them over.
Fawkes, yes, is ridiculous. He is always yelling at me to be mindful, when at this point, I ain't mindful of SHIT. Dude, I am carrying like 60 Nuka Grenades and a few hundred Stimpaks. No more of this head on a swivel bullshit, we go where we want, we do what we want.
One day Fawkes and I are out strutting about the Wasteland when I see up on a sloped road ahead, an Enclave soldier, standing around maybe patrolling or something. I pull up my scope. Perfect.
I shoot him. He falls down. I laugh. He gets back up.
Fawkes also starts in with his massive gun, but seems to be stuck on a rock or something as no bullets are even getting close to the Enclave guy, but Fawkes keeps firing and screaming and firing and screaming. I'm not even looking at him, I'm all focused on the Enclave guy in my scope.
I shoot the Enclave guy again. Falls down. I laugh. Gets up.
Fawkes keeps screaming and shooting.
I think to myself, jesus Fawkes calm the fuck down, just let me shoot at him, what the fuck. Chill the fuck out.
I shoot the guy a few more times, and Fawkes is STILL YELLING AND SHOOTING.
Finally I fire once more and awwwww, he's dead. So much for that. It was fun while it lasted.
Now, Fawkes, what the fuck are you screaming abou-
OH HOLY FUCK AN OVERLORD
HOLY SHIT! GUN. NEED BIGGER GUN. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
and oh Fawkes killed him.
oooooooh
That's what Fawkes was shooting this whole time.
THANKS BUDDY!
My favorite gun in Fallout 3 was the special sniper rifle called the "Victory Rifle." The best thing about this gun was that it made people fall down. Making people fall down from far away is unbelievably satisfying. Especially when they get up and go right back to whatever they were doing, hopelessly confused about who just shot them. Even after completing a bunch of the DLC and the main story and side quests, I would still grab my unstoppable mutant pal Fawkes and go wander around looking for people in perfect places for me to knock them over.
Fawkes, yes, is ridiculous. He is always yelling at me to be mindful, when at this point, I ain't mindful of SHIT. Dude, I am carrying like 60 Nuka Grenades and a few hundred Stimpaks. No more of this head on a swivel bullshit, we go where we want, we do what we want.
One day Fawkes and I are out strutting about the Wasteland when I see up on a sloped road ahead, an Enclave soldier, standing around maybe patrolling or something. I pull up my scope. Perfect.
I shoot him. He falls down. I laugh. He gets back up.
Fawkes also starts in with his massive gun, but seems to be stuck on a rock or something as no bullets are even getting close to the Enclave guy, but Fawkes keeps firing and screaming and firing and screaming. I'm not even looking at him, I'm all focused on the Enclave guy in my scope.
I shoot the Enclave guy again. Falls down. I laugh. Gets up.
Fawkes keeps screaming and shooting.
I think to myself, jesus Fawkes calm the fuck down, just let me shoot at him, what the fuck. Chill the fuck out.
I shoot the guy a few more times, and Fawkes is STILL YELLING AND SHOOTING.
Finally I fire once more and awwwww, he's dead. So much for that. It was fun while it lasted.
Now, Fawkes, what the fuck are you screaming abou-
OH HOLY FUCK AN OVERLORD
HOLY SHIT! GUN. NEED BIGGER GUN. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
and oh Fawkes killed him.
oooooooh
That's what Fawkes was shooting this whole time.
THANKS BUDDY!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Get A Strap For It.
Dear Brotherhood of Steel People Who Asked Me to Do that Dumb Thing,
Fuck you. Fuck you a million times.
Next time you lose a fucking gun, just take one of your other guns in the giant pile there and shove it in your fucking mouth. I sure as fuck don't want to hear about it. You goddamn idiots.
PS Everyone Else:
Fuck off, you are killing my buzz. I am trying to wander the wastes and get my drank on with my drank friend Cass and you all keep asking me for favors. I will only accept whiskey as payment from now on.
I hate you all.
Love,
Me
Fuck you. Fuck you a million times.
Next time you lose a fucking gun, just take one of your other guns in the giant pile there and shove it in your fucking mouth. I sure as fuck don't want to hear about it. You goddamn idiots.
PS Everyone Else:
Fuck off, you are killing my buzz. I am trying to wander the wastes and get my drank on with my drank friend Cass and you all keep asking me for favors. I will only accept whiskey as payment from now on.
I hate you all.
Love,
Me
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Please I Need It.
This Caravan game shit is fucking weird man. But apparently quite popular.
As I approached Primm, walking there from Goodsprings, injecting stimpaks directly into my left foot because you ain't finding insoles for your high arches in the Wasteland motherfucker, an NCR guy is all "I wouldn't go in there."
Oh okay thanks whatever.
I walk into town only to find myself being charged at from all sides by convicts fuuuuuuuck. I take cover and start shooting and I'm getting hit all kinds of bad and I finally decide I gotta make a run back out of town. I dart away taking down another couple convicts with dynamite as I do. After taking a minute to regroup, I head back into town, a bit slower this time. As I near the door to the casino, two more convicts try to kill me and I shoot them quick and run for the door, thinking to myself "pleeeeaaaase don't be full of convicts."
I thrust the door open, burst inside! No convicts! Phewfta!
A man runs over to talk to me as I catch my breath, "what are you doing here?"
I say to him:
*huffhuffhuff*
...
*huffhuff*
*drink of water*
"Wanna play a game of Caravan?"
As I approached Primm, walking there from Goodsprings, injecting stimpaks directly into my left foot because you ain't finding insoles for your high arches in the Wasteland motherfucker, an NCR guy is all "I wouldn't go in there."
Oh okay thanks whatever.
I walk into town only to find myself being charged at from all sides by convicts fuuuuuuuck. I take cover and start shooting and I'm getting hit all kinds of bad and I finally decide I gotta make a run back out of town. I dart away taking down another couple convicts with dynamite as I do. After taking a minute to regroup, I head back into town, a bit slower this time. As I near the door to the casino, two more convicts try to kill me and I shoot them quick and run for the door, thinking to myself "pleeeeaaaase don't be full of convicts."
I thrust the door open, burst inside! No convicts! Phewfta!
A man runs over to talk to me as I catch my breath, "what are you doing here?"
I say to him:
*huffhuffhuff*
...
*huffhuff*
*drink of water*
"Wanna play a game of Caravan?"
Violent Mood Swings
I'm at a campfire. I'm super excited because I am going to make me a Caravan Lunch.
Fuck yeah.
Cram, Instamash, Pork N Beans, all shoved in a lunchbox and stirred up with some Radaway. I practically want to make some in REAL LIFE.
SO FUCKING PUMPED TO MAKE THIS.
I got Veronica and the Eyebot following me around and carrying like 200 pounds of shit each.
I turn to the campfire.
I don't have any Cram on me. What the fuck do you mean I don't have any Cram on me I stole like 5 Crams out of this house earlier. What the fuck. Okay maybe robot has the Cram. Robot?
No fucking Cram.
Okay Veronica.
NO FUCKING CRAM.
I fire my gun at the ground and yell:
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING CRAM!?
Fuck yeah.
Cram, Instamash, Pork N Beans, all shoved in a lunchbox and stirred up with some Radaway. I practically want to make some in REAL LIFE.
SO FUCKING PUMPED TO MAKE THIS.
I got Veronica and the Eyebot following me around and carrying like 200 pounds of shit each.
I turn to the campfire.
I don't have any Cram on me. What the fuck do you mean I don't have any Cram on me I stole like 5 Crams out of this house earlier. What the fuck. Okay maybe robot has the Cram. Robot?
No fucking Cram.
Okay Veronica.
NO FUCKING CRAM.
I fire my gun at the ground and yell:
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING CRAM!?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Fuckin...Gimme That.
I go into a house in a Novac. And a lady is in her kitchen, with a broom.
FUCKING SWEEPING.
Lady. Sweeping is like STEP LAST of cleaning your house. You should pick up all the large pieces of debris that the broom can't handle first. You should do the dishes, instead of piling them in this crate in the corner.
LOOK IT. The broom isn't even doing anything. The floor looks exactly the same. Stop it. Stop sweeping.
Gimme your fucking broom. Fucking give it to me.
I am going to go throw it in a FUCKING LAKE.
I know, there's no lakes around here.
THAT IS HOW FAR AWAY I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING BROOM.
FUCKING SWEEPING.
Lady. Sweeping is like STEP LAST of cleaning your house. You should pick up all the large pieces of debris that the broom can't handle first. You should do the dishes, instead of piling them in this crate in the corner.
LOOK IT. The broom isn't even doing anything. The floor looks exactly the same. Stop it. Stop sweeping.
Gimme your fucking broom. Fucking give it to me.
I am going to go throw it in a FUCKING LAKE.
I know, there's no lakes around here.
THAT IS HOW FAR AWAY I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING BROOM.
A Real Person Would Start Choking Me or Something
Why do I love pretending like I took one too many blows to the head when I'm having conversations with people? It's like I'm roleplaying an Alzheimer's patient. I just kept asking this guy in the Dinosaur's Mouth who he was, and what he wanted me to do. Over and over and over.
Who are you?
I'm Manny.
Oh sure sure...what did you want me to do again?
Go to the place and kill the ghouls.
Right right ghouls...and you are?
I'm Manny.
Manny, that's right, I knew that. Did you need me to do something?
Go to the place and kill the ghouls.
Yes. Kill the ghouls. Of course. Okay bye!
Who are you?
I'm Manny.
Oh sure sure...what did you want me to do again?
Go to the place and kill the ghouls.
Right right ghouls...and you are?
I'm Manny.
Manny, that's right, I knew that. Did you need me to do something?
Go to the place and kill the ghouls.
Yes. Kill the ghouls. Of course. Okay bye!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Haha, My Bad!
Near Sloan, I wanted to go check out the piles and piles of Deathclaws nearby. I climbed some cliffs and walked over and oh shit the Deathclaws saw me.
And then one chased me back to camp and killed a bunch of people and me.
haha
whoops.
And then one chased me back to camp and killed a bunch of people and me.
haha
whoops.
Woooooo!
I AM AT MY HOUSE! I AM INSTALLING THIS GAME!
These poker chips that came with the collector's edition are pretty sweet.
12%
C'moooooonnnnnnn
Opening up the playing cards...
These are pretty neat tooooo oh maaaan
41%
I gotta get some snacks and some bevvies I think
68%
shoes off. throw away all this plastic.
80%
ummmm wait patiently...
100%
WOOOOOOOOOOO
SEE YOU ON IN THE WASTELAND!
These poker chips that came with the collector's edition are pretty sweet.
12%
C'moooooonnnnnnn
Opening up the playing cards...
These are pretty neat tooooo oh maaaan
41%
I gotta get some snacks and some bevvies I think
68%
shoes off. throw away all this plastic.
80%
ummmm wait patiently...
100%
WOOOOOOOOOOO
SEE YOU ON IN THE WASTELAND!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wasteland Asshole
I am at work patiently waiting to hear that my collector's edition of New Vegas has arrived before taking off early to go home and play it, so I will write about other shit til then.
I'm pretty naturally inclined to play good characters and am generally helpful to the people I meet out in the Wastes, even though I always answer them rather sarcastically and I myself sit on the couch rolling my eyes and groaning at these people's goddamn requests.
"I GUESS I will untie this wastelander that these Super Mutants were gonna mutate or whatever. Oh he's got Squirrel Stew for me, THANKS A LOT ASSHOLE HAVE FUN DYING SOME OTHER WAY!"
Karma noticed if I did something nice like that or if I did something mean, like killed a good guy. What karma never noticed was how intentionally annoying I tried to be to other people. Oh your desk has lots of stuff on it? Now it's all on the floor, and I am standing on your desk and jumping up and down yelling at you.
I would go into people's houses and just throw all of their belongings on the floor, while they told me to "be more careful" or to watch where I was going. Oh I'm watching all right. I'm watching very closely.
My favorite person to annoy was the scribe that works at the purifier in the DLC Broken Steel. He is perpetually exhausted and already perpetually bothered. You can even say to him that you had a question but forgot what it was. I would do this to him, REPEATEDLY. I would wait for him to fall asleep at his desk and then wake him up to tell him that I forgot what I was going to ask him. I would go outside his office to all his other scribes and talk to them so that they would all say the same thing in near unison.
One day I notice that he has a Nuka-Cola and a Mirelurk cake on his desk.
His LUNCH.
So, I hit a Stealth Boy and stole them.
And then I didn't even eat that Mirelurk cake. I took outside and dropped it in a puddle. It is still there.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I'm pretty naturally inclined to play good characters and am generally helpful to the people I meet out in the Wastes, even though I always answer them rather sarcastically and I myself sit on the couch rolling my eyes and groaning at these people's goddamn requests.
"I GUESS I will untie this wastelander that these Super Mutants were gonna mutate or whatever. Oh he's got Squirrel Stew for me, THANKS A LOT ASSHOLE HAVE FUN DYING SOME OTHER WAY!"
Karma noticed if I did something nice like that or if I did something mean, like killed a good guy. What karma never noticed was how intentionally annoying I tried to be to other people. Oh your desk has lots of stuff on it? Now it's all on the floor, and I am standing on your desk and jumping up and down yelling at you.
I would go into people's houses and just throw all of their belongings on the floor, while they told me to "be more careful" or to watch where I was going. Oh I'm watching all right. I'm watching very closely.
My favorite person to annoy was the scribe that works at the purifier in the DLC Broken Steel. He is perpetually exhausted and already perpetually bothered. You can even say to him that you had a question but forgot what it was. I would do this to him, REPEATEDLY. I would wait for him to fall asleep at his desk and then wake him up to tell him that I forgot what I was going to ask him. I would go outside his office to all his other scribes and talk to them so that they would all say the same thing in near unison.
One day I notice that he has a Nuka-Cola and a Mirelurk cake on his desk.
His LUNCH.
So, I hit a Stealth Boy and stole them.
And then I didn't even eat that Mirelurk cake. I took outside and dropped it in a puddle. It is still there.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I Am Going to Write Here
This is where I'm gonna write stories about Fallout: New Vegas, and old stories about Fallout 3. I like to drink a lot in game.
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