Lookout Bah-Low Me

I am going to write, for a while, about Point Lookout. It might take multiple entries. Two, maybe three. It might even take four of these goddamn things. This is because I went through entire area just ANGRY at every single person I encountered, save for two. Wait three. I forgot about the lady that'll make moonshine for me.

Mmmm Moonshine.

One day while wandering the Capital Wasteland, I come across a lady near a boat. Oh help me find my daughter, she shrieks. She went somewhere, probably on that boat. I stare at her skeptically. Go on a boat, huh? On a river huh? Uuuuuh, well, I'd love to help find one person who left of their own accord, but I got this whole...purifying vast amounts of water for the Wasteland thing that I'm working on? But I tell you what, I'll tuck this away on my little Pip-Boy here and get to it uh...laaaaater.

Sometime probably like MONTHS later, I'm scrolling through my quests and I see this thing about taking a boat and finding a girl and it sounds better than anything else I have left that I could possible do, and I already bothered that scribe at the purifier today, so...riverboat it is, I guess.

I give the guy on the boat some caps and he tells me to go take a nap. He also tells me that Fawkes can't come along, which makes angry already because Fawkes is just a guy and he will definitely fit on that boat and I have enough caps for both of us. BRING MY FRIEND ASSHOLE. Alas, he would not.

I get to this horrible land that I am already disgusted by and this is after hanging out in the WASTELAND. This place is awful. Where can I get a shower? Oh I can't. Oh right, I left all the purified water I swim around in back in the goddamn Capital Wasteland. Fucking shit.

Someone suggests I go check out this mansion because I have the look of a person who wants a mansion or wants to steal everything in a mansion. I get there and a ghoul in a suit is fighting with a bunch of dudes in hardly anything. I stare at all of them. I hope for a while that everyone will die in this fight. Ghoul in the suit prevails and introduces himself as Desmond. And I need to help him. Uuuuuuuh. I don't know if--oh we're going. We're doing something already. Oh god more dudes are attacking what the fuck. Can I leave? This is...I want to leave.

Too late to leave now though, dudes are attacking! So I help Desmond defend his mansion, thinking maybe he'll say less asshole-y things to me after I help him out. I don't know WHY I think this; it never happens. People whose lives I have LITERALLY SAVED MYSELF are still assholes to me.

The tribals finally all dead and murdered and were mostly just carrying fucking punga fruit, so I go back to Desmond.

"Hey Des, I helped with this whole thing stuff so you're welcome. Uh, I was looking for a chick, I think so it would be much appreciated if you could just point me in the ri-"
"YOU NEED TO GO ATTACK THOSE TRIBALS FOR ME"
"I uuuuuuh..."
"GOOOOO!"



I don't like you.

TO BE CONTINUED

It Wasn't THAT Special.

I was bored the other day so I headed back to Nipton, intending to travel south and explore down there. Before I did though, I decided to stop in at that shop and check on Joe Cripple Powder Ganger who doesn't seem to give a shit about anything and is remaining remarkably spry and filled out for a dude who has been sitting in a chair with no food or water for some time.

I asked him what was up and he yelled at me, of course. I told him I needed to go, but I didn't really. Instead I picked up all the empty bottles, tin cans, old plates, burned up books, metal cooking pots, and general trash around the store and piled it all up around his feet.

THERE YA GO BUDDY!

NICE AND COZY!

After that I decided to go Deathclaw hunting across the river for a while. Rex is overly enthusiastic about it and likes to run into a horde of them and get himself killed immediately. Veronica likes to get stuck on rocks.

I left with several a Deathclaw Hand and Egg and decided I would go see what was up at the Thorn. I had been there once before, tried a fight with some Mantises. I killed them all super fast, but as I jumped up and down shouting "LOVE ME! PRAISE ME! I AM YOUR GOD!" suddenly the guards turned hostile and I had to cheeze it like mad, yo.

So I went back and asked Red Lucy what was up, she said Hello Stranger and I said, No, I'm the person who's been inside the Lucky 38, maybe you've heard of me? She wanted me to go get some eggs of some creatures so she can raise them to murder each other. I was down with this, but she asked me to get goddamn Mantis eggs first and THEN MAYBE she would ask me to do something harder. Hey lady, I have a like a full dozen Deathclaw eggs just ON ME right now. You sure you want to waste my time with Mantis eggs? You do? Well goddammit.

I go get her stupid eggs and come back. What now. Radscorpions? Ugh fine whatever. I get those eggs and go back to her. HERE YOU GO IT WAS SUPER EASY. Now what? Fire Geckos? Oh come onnnnnn.

TRUDGE TRUDGE TRUDGE.

Finally she wants Deathclaw eggs! Woohoo! Oh, I should go to the quarry or Death Wind Cave for them you say? Death Wind Cave it is.

In this cave is the giant LEGENDARY Deathclaw. And he went down like a little bitch.

Thanks for the eggs motherfuckerrrrrr.

I take her the eggs back and she's like Oh that is sooooo goooood. I got something special for you!

(It was her vagina).

Just Making Awkward Conversation

People keep asking my dog if Benny begged for it before he killed him.

STOP ASKING MY DOG THAT, HE WASN'T EVEN THERE

HE'S A DOG

JUST

STOP IT

Collecting Digits

One of the very first things I did in the Wasteland was find a dead guy who had a finger laying on floor next to him. The finger weighed nothing and it seemed like something a weirdo might pay me hella caps for later so I grabbed it.

Now, over a month later, I am still carrying this finger around with me. I have found no one willing to pay me big money for an old, rotting finger that has been in my pocket for weeks and I am considering dropping it somewhere where I think it might bug people the most. In one of the casino's swimming pools? On the Boomer teacher's desk? On the floor of the New Vegas Clinic?

I finished Vault 22 finally, which I should've done along time ago except before I finished it I got sick of Veronica and got Cass instead and now I've gone back to Veronica again. I walked out of the Vault at the end and yelled "FUCK PLANTS FOREV--Oooh is that barrel cactus!?!?"

Yes it was.

I also killed a bunch of cazadors, which is super easy with my beloved Sniper Rifle now. The first time I tried to kill one was like:

"What is that a fucking a bug? I can kill a bug."
CAZADOR ATTACKS
"Oooowwwwwwwwwww, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. That fucking hurt."

My next goal is to find all those deathclaws along the river and try out my new Anti-Material Rifle. I know, I know, factions...struggle for power, hoover dam, whatever. I have a new giant gun, leave me alone.

Maybe This Is Why They Don't Like Me

Conversation I keep having with this NCR Ranger:

ME: HELLO NCR RANGER!
HIM: What do you need?
ME: I need to get going. (Apparently)
HIM: Bye.

It's A Pretty Simple Policy.

Hey!

Hey you fucking bird.

You stupid fucking crow landing over there like a fuckhead.

Fuck you!

You are fucking annoying.

"Oh my gosh look something is showing up friendly on my compass over there! What could it be?"

Oh, it's a FUCKING CROW.

Do you know why my policy is to kill you from now on?

It's because I don't like you.

It's the Pitts.

(Fallout 3 story from the The Pitt DLC)

To put it lightly, everyone in the Pitt immediately pissed me off. The slavers/raiders for being assholes, the slaves for being annoying. I would've just left immediately and gone back to the Wasteland, but I wanted to get at that ammo press and turn every bit of ammo I had into .44 and .308 ammo for my beloved Victory Rifle and its little buddy, Blackhawk. I'm doing this for you, guns!

I get there, I disguise myself as a slave and the dude at the front gate takes all my guns. I can only imagine the shock they must feel when they see how much artillery I am carrying around on me. If I kill a guy and he has more than one gun or more than 50 caps, I'm like FUCKING JACKPOT! I must've been there for hours, just putting guns and grenades and bullets and chems on the table. Don't you fuckers break these, they're very important to me. Don't drink my whiskey either, just hold on to it til I come back and murder everyone.

I eventually get to the point where I'm gonna do some arena battles I guess and win my freedom. They gave me some shit guns and I'm like, whatever. Every battle lasted approximately 8 seconds as I walked into the arena, VATS, and shot the heads off both the other dudes. "LET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE E'ERYONE'S DEAD."

I get all my guns back and oh good people have requests for me. They want me to pick sides and shit. Oh the slaves want a cure for the weird whatever thing sure fine that's great. I get sent to talk to the Slaver bigwig dude. On the way I'm walking up through a large catwalk with various raiders that I would stop and talk to and then write their name on a sheet of paper titled "KILL LATER."

"oh nice to meet you...O-Dog. Yes yes, I'm sure you're very condescending. Lucky for me that pisses me off a lot. I will put you on the kill list. It is much longer than the don't kill list because that list is empty."

One chick, Vikia had a sniper rifle. And with the condition of my current rifle not being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, I made a special note of where she was. As she tried to shoot some cans from not very far away at all, I talked to her and she was ALSO very condescending and rude! Excellent! I shot all her cans myself, and grinned as I left. She would be QUITE fun to kill and loot later!

Finally I get to wherever I was going, and make for the room that supposedly contains this "cure." The cure is...a baby.

STEAL. A BABY.

Yes, I think I can do this. I mean as long as I ain't keeping it, I'm just fencing it. I will totally steal a baby then.

I grab the kid and I guess Bjorn it to my torso, and took off running back out of the building. And lucky fucking me! All the raiders I had been listing to kill were upset me! Woohoo! I run down the ramps and catwalks, killing everyone and using the baby to absorb many a bullet. I lobbed nuka grenades into rooms and oh when I got to Vikia, yesssss it was glorious.

I kept running until I got to a point where I seemed unable to get...down to the goddamn ground. I was just running in a fucking circle, shooting raiders that were coming out of who the fuck knows where, looking at the ground below. Then I decided, as I often do, fuck it, I can jump that.

I hit a med-x, got a running start and leapt off the catwalk, yelling

"HOLD ON, BABY!!!!"

We survived the fall and I sold the baby for a cool...oh, access to the ammo thing, I guess that's what I wanted.

Stupid baby.

I'm Making My Own Vegas! With Blackjack! And Hookers!

Well, getting the luck implant and the naughty nightwear really turned things around at the casinos for me as I am now banned from all of them. I didn't get any free drinks in the Ultra-Luxe at all while I was winning though. Is this a bug? Or is it that dead guy on the floor that's supposed to be bringing them to me?

And for the record, I did not kill that guy. I don't know WHAT happened.

I finally went and talked to Mr. House again, who immediately demanded I give him in the Platinum Chip. He got all like pissy at me when I refused at first and then fucking called me names! You want to piss me off, that's a good place to start. Officially going to murder him. Call me a primate what the fuck, at least I can LEAVE THE FUCKING BUILDING you piece of shit.

Then he makes me go watch as he upgrades his robots or whatever and I'm like really? Missile launchers? The machine gun and laser wasn't enough to keep Joe Gambler in line you think you need fucking missile launchers? Fucking overkill much buddy?

And for the record, I will still kick that robot's ass.

Also, I threw all the books off your shelves. They are in a huge pile on the floor now. That's right, your fucking World Book Encyclopedia? It's allllll out of order.

And this table you had set? It's not set anymore. Who the fuck are you setting a table for anyways, you ain't got no friends and your robots don't eat food.

Gonna. Murder. You.

So, yes, I have decided to go for an independent New Vegas, by which I mean I will hopefully be the only one left alive.

Also I shot that Crimson Caravan bitch for Cass and now the NCR thinks I'm a Soft-Hearted Devil instead of Unpredictable. Maybe they'll stop telling me to pick a side now.

Take The Things I Drop On You, Dammit, I'm Trying to Be Nice.

The other day a local in Freeside walked up to me to tell me something about someone being in the Lucky 38, gosh who could it be. IT'S ME. IT'S FUCKING ME. I HAVE BRIGHT BLUE HAIR I AM VERY DISTINCT LOOKING. Anyways, this local was filthy. She was just covered in dirt. I pulled up my pimp boy and dropped a box of detergent at her feet, but she walked away without even considering my makeover offer. Fuck you too lady.

Then I went to Gomorrah for a bit and tried dropping stacks of pre-war money on the prostitutes but they seemed unimpressed.

Today my plan is to get some clothes and an implant to up my luck. I am so sick of losing with 6 luck. It is the worst kind of losing. I get 19, dealer gets 20. I get 20, dealer gets 21.

I GET 21.

THE DEALER ALSO GETS 21. AAAUUUUGH.

FUCK YOUR CARDS FUCK YOUR CHIPS FUCK YOU ALL

I WILL INCREASE MY LUCK COME BACK AND DESTROY EVERYONE IN THIS GODDAMN CASINO.

Et Tu, Blue?

I'm hanging with the Khans. I'm not entirely sure I love them because of how violent they seem, but I've never seen them crucify people so that's a big plus. They're thinking of allying with Caesar's people though and I need some evidence that Caesar is an asshole to convince them not to. I guess all the DEMONSTRABLE BEHAVIOR isn't enough. He wants me to get his book that is where? In Caesar's tent. Fuck.

I can't even get near it because they all hate me so much. I tried disguising myself and the dogs find me, and everyone in his tent immediately makes with the murdering and I tried a stealth boy but the same thing happened, so finally I decided my only option was the GUNS ABLAZING one.

I loaded up on ammo and chems, grabbed Cass and Rex, and hopped on the boat to the Fort. And then uh...killed everyone. Mostly with my most glorious sniper rifle. (ALL HAIL SNIPER RIFLE)

I walked into Caesar's tent and BAM ONE SHOT RIGHT IN THE BRAIN. WAPOW.

After all was said and done, I looted all the bodies and tried to tell the slaves there to GO HOME, but they wouldn't. They just said "excuse me." I opened the gate for the Brahmin and yelled "RUN BRAHMIN! BE FREE! ROAM THE WILDERNESS." But alas, even his spirit had been crushed.

I went to Freeside next and was jumped by a thug. Cass shot him and I spent a while trying to prop his body up on a bench all Weekend at Bernie's style. By the time I had him sufficiently posed, ANOTHER thug comes at me. And while in the middle of making him look like he just fell asleep on a pile of rubble? Another thug! I hid him in a bus stop and hurried to go about my business before more dead bodies showed up.

To relieve the stress of the day, I went to visit Santiago at the Atomic Wrangler and as we got our groove on, Cass suddenly says.

"Be careful if we go off the road."


Haha uh, okay! Not really on a road here!

I See Dead Hookers.

I spent most of yesterday hanging out in Gomorrah. It's probably my least favorite casino on the strip honestly because everyone there just tells me to fuck off constantly. Though I hate the Ultra-Luxe too...maybe Gomorrah wins out just for the abundance of prostitutes.

These prostitutes by the way, love to tell me how "tasty" I look. And that if they weren't working, they would show me a good time. You're a prostitute. Showing me a good time is your work. Then a gambler mentions that things are alllll stirred up on the Strip lately and did I hear? Someone's been inside the Lucky 38! Also, did Benny beg for it when you offed him? Huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgh I'M LEAVING.

I went upstairs to where there are lots of pool tables and decided to waste time there. I took one of the triangles and a bunch of balls and tried to rack them but it didn't work so I threw them on the floor and jumped up and down on them for a while. Then I took the triangles from all the tables and try to arrange them in a tessellation on one table but that was taking too long so I climbed on the table and jumped up and down on them. Then I threw everything in the room on the floor, punched a few shot glasses and empty whiskey bottles and finally decided to get on with the mission I was half-assedly doing.

I go check on the Camden or Clamden or Clanden or whatever the fuck his name is and find out, of course, he's killing hookers. I did something and he got mad and I murdered him. As I left the room, I shut the door and told the guard outside that everyone was, naturally, quite fine.

After finishing the mission, I was doing some more meandering in the hotel when I found the dude's hooker killing room. I open the door and...out walks a hooker. I try to talk to her, but instead get a prompt to examine the body. Uuuh okay?

"THIS HOOKER WAS MURDERED BY BEING STRANGLED YO"

Whaaaaaa? She's...alive though she's looking right at me. She's...telling Rex that's not what they mean by doggy style. Now she's looking at me. Oh god, hide.

I hide behind Cass. The hooker keeps staring at me. Go away Ghost Hooker. Go awaaaaaaaay.

Whiskey time.

Aaaaaaah she's walking over here.




"You look tasty."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.