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Wasted in the Spaceland

Somah and I are looking for somewhere to go that's not the same 25 foot hallway of spaceship when I hear a voice coming from one of the cells asking for help. Another prisoner!

It's...

it's a kid.

Great.

I sigh and start talking to her. What do you want? Help you out? Shut off some stuff? Ugh, yeah, I guess. Then she tells me that she knows her way around because she gets out of her cell all the time and wanders the ship until the aliens catch her and put her back in her cell. But you need my help to escape? Whatever.

I hate you, child-thing.

The three of us head down a hallway fighting alie-wait. It's just me fighting them. Oh they're gonna hang back while the drunk chick with all the guns clears out all the bad guys. Fine. YOU'RE WELCOME. I hope you know it's gonna take a while! These aliens have a lot of shelves, and these shelves have a lot of things on them I can knock on the floor. 

These aliens, for being scrawny and annoying, seem to have some really sturdy faces. I keep switching between guns trying to figure out which one destroys them the best, while chucking the occasional nuka-grenade at them as well, and knocking back more whiskey when I get a free moment, and fear I might be getting close to sober. There's a couple of alien workers and I shoot them too, but then the little girl tells me not to because the workers won't hurt me.

Awww, what?

But their heads up popped off really easily!  I really liked shooting them! Dang it.

I'm not doing a very good job paying attention to this kid or where she wants me to go, and am instead just pressing on in whatever directions there are things to kill. I find some alien food, but it's gross looking so uh, no thanks. I think I have a few cans of Cram on me instead. 

After some shooting, the little kid meets back up with and tells me we need to get to the top of the ship, but can't because the aliens are aware of our escape and constant murdering of them. I don't really know what the kid's plan actually is, just that it involves the top of the ship and then later it involves a spacesuit and going outside and what? A big boss alien guy? 

Look. Little girl. I'm gonna drink my whiskey. You point me and what needs to be shot or blown up and I'll do it. I don't need a novel about this plan. 

Ain't no way I'll remember it anyways.

We eventually make it to a bunch of cryopods where I unfreeze a soldier, a cowboy, and a samurai. 

Is this a dollar store action figure set, what the hell? 

The samurai doesn't speak English, and I can tell that no one is gonna know anything about this guy because even if they had ever spoken to each other before this, no one else here speaks the same language as him. But, I ask all of them anyways. 

"Hey you know what the deal is with this guy?"

Maybe I'm just trying to make conversation. Hey, so, how about this spaceship? how about that samurai? Do you like whiskey too? Uh...n-no I don't have any on me. Yes I know I smell like it. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS SUDDENLY. You're boring, I'm gonna talk to that samurai. 

Clothesing Time

Hey there folks! It's me, Reddy S. Gogh, here with drunken news from the Capital Wasteland. 

The other day, me and my mutie pal Fawkes noticed that sitting around our house is 160 Nuka-Grenades and something needed to be done with them. I grabbed as many as I could pile on my person and we went a-wandering for things to kill. We found some Overlords and some Raiders and left behind us a trail of fire and death and empty whiskey bottles. 

Then I got stuck in a rock for a few minutes. 

I finally got out and we found a couple albino radscorpions and a deathclaw and then what the...

A spaceship?

Wow sure is radioactive down here. I'm gonna look around for stuff to whoa hey what the fuck

A blue light surrounded me and suddenly I couldn't do anything. Fawkes! Faaaawwkes! Take care of Dogmeat for me! 

FAWKES!

I SURE AM GETTING GOOD RADIO RECEPTION STILL!

I'LL BE BACK FAWKES!

I black out for a bit and wake up with fucking aliens hovering over me! And some weird probe-y shit coming at me. Oh god what the fuck. Not the butt, not the butt....

I cringe as the close in, and then black out once more.

I wake up again later in a room with this lady, Somah. I try to ask her what's going on but most of what she tells me I already know: aliens, nothing else. Then...then she says they took all my clothes. Ummm, what?

I look down. 

Oh for fuck's sake! I'm in my undies! My armor! My hat! My lucky shades!

Goddammit, I could use a dri-oh yeah, they took all my booze too. Motherfuckers. Where the fuck is all my shit! I had good shit! Give me all my grenades back! I angrily stomp around this tiny room for a bit, while Somah cooks up some retarded escape plan. Then she yells something like "it's coming! Get up against the wall!" 

So I run to one corner of the room and stand there, confused, while I hear some metal grinding and then a guy screaming and then some other weird noises. I ask Somah what that was. 

"Haven't you ever seen a guy picked up by a giant metal claw before!?"

Um, no. And I still haven't because you told me to hide. So I did. I didn't stand there and watch it. Is that what YOU did? I THOUGHT WE WERE HIDING! I wanted to see it! Make it come back! Goddamn you woman!

She says that we should pretend to fight so the aliens will come break us up and then we can jump them and escape. Ah yes, let's...pretend to fight. Somah puts up her dukes and takes a swing at me and I excitedly punch her in the head several times until aliens show up and I punch them to death with my fists! It felt good, but deep down I was missing me guns. I grab one of the batons the aliens were using and head to the next room. 

Pants. If I can just get a pair of damn pants. And the presumed shoes that would be attached to them. It's just...these short things I have on are so breezy. 

More aliens run at me and I scream and kill them! ARRRARRRGH! Leave me alone! I WANT CLOTHES!

As I run around the spaceship with Somah, who seriously has on like four shirts she can't even bother to share with me, I finally find some weird alien container that I thankfully figure out how to open. And inside is all of my stuff! My stuff! Precious stuff! I dig it all out and hug each gun, and every bullet, and every grenade, and every bottle of whiskey while Somah tells me to hurry some more. Shut up women, don't interrupt this tearful reunion. You're not my friend! WHISKEY IS! WHISKEY IS!

I drink a bunch of whiskey and pass out and wake up in that room again. 

Hahah, no, we keep escaping. 

Gosh Sandy, What's Your Last Name

(TODAY! A GUEST ENTRY WRITTEN BY BEN!

It is from the perspective of the lady working the cashiers desk at the Tops, right before I murdered everything. Enjoy!)

Jesus Christ, Sandy, you would not believe the day I just had.  Uuuugh, I need a drink.  Do we have any of that Jake Juice left?  Oh, you bitch.  Okay, we have vodka.  I am going to drink this whole bottle, I swear to gawd.

Okay.  So.  The day started out normal.  I had Swank chasing me around the pit for ten minutes after I walked in the door, but that's Swank for ya.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  But two hours into my shift, and I remember exactly, because I was about to go on break, two hours in, this crazy lookin' lady walks up to my window.  Crazy lookin', like wild-eyed, blue hair, scar-that-looked-like-someone-shot-her-in-the-head crazy lookin'.  Oh, and with her, is this freaky-ass dog that I swear to gawd is like half robot, I mean I could see its brains and shit it was disgusting!  No, it had like a glass jar for the top of its head, with like lights shining in.  I almost puked when I saw it.  And then behind her is some other person, i think it was a chick, but she was wearing this armor like in those old holos we used to watch down in Vault 21 when we were kids, remember?  Like that, it was the craziest damn thing I've ever seen.

Soo this crazy-ass lady walks up to my window, and she tells me she wants some chips.  I'm like sure thing, crazy, how many?  And she slides me a $100 NCR note.  So I count out 40 chips and slide them across to her.  I ask if she needs anything else, and she looks me right in the eye, straight face, and tells me that she wants some chips, and slides across another $100 bill.  So I count out another 40 chips, and I slide them across the counter again, and she shovels them into her weird person sack of crap.  I ask her again, if she needs anything else.  And she tells me--yeah, she tells me that she would like some more chips.  And she slides another $100 bill to me.

I swear to gawd, this WENT ON.  Like, four more times.  Finally, she runs out of $100 bills, so she switches to twenties!  No, I'm not even joking!  For like fifteen minutes, we're there, she'll slide a twenty to me, I count out 8 chips, ask her if she'd like anything else, and we'd start all over again!  I thought it was some kinda performance art or somthin', like she wasn't gonna stop until I quit askin' her if she wanted anything else or somethin'!  Or maybe like this was some kinda test, like maybe they were pushing me to see if I'd crack, and I had to stay polite to this lunatic lady or I'd get fired.  And I ain't gettin' fired, I'm not going back to Gomorrah.

Then, after a while with the twenties, it's like she got bored or somethin', and started giving me other stuff, like NCR 5's, and Legion shit.  Shit, Sandy, she even had some of those, whaddaya call 'em, Areolas?  The gold ones, the ones that are worth like a hundred caps?  She had a bunch of those, and I don't think I've ever even seen more than one of them in the same place at once before!  I don't know if she and armor-chick were knocking off Legionaries or jerking them off, and I don't think I want to know.

Finally, after another ten or fifteen minutes of this crazy chick exchanging one coin at a time for chips, she finally just decides she's done.  And I mean, I snuck a peek in that big sack she was pulling all this money out of, she had PLENTY more crumpled up in there.  I don't know if this was some crazy...  I can't think of anything!  Just, look, Sandy, you have to promise me that if I save up all my money some day, and dye my hair blue, and make you put on a big-ass suit of armor to come to the casino with me, I need you to slap me as hard as you can with your big metal hand.

No, like from the armor.

No, Sandy, I know you don't have metal hands.  Jesus, Sandy.

Anyway, this crazy chick decides she's done, and turns to leave, and I'm like "Thank.  Gawd."  But before I can grab my "Next register please" sign so I can take my break, I blink and suddenly she's BACK.  Looking at me.  And it's like a reflex by now, I just blurted out, "Welcome to the Tops, how can I help you."  I know, like, "Welcome?"  What?  Like I didn't just spend the past forty minutes dealing with your crazy ass?

So I ask her how I can help her, and she looks me right in the eye again, same crazy straight face, and she says to me.

"I'd like to turn in my chips."

Not one game!  Nothing!  Not one spin of the slots, not one hand of blackjack, not one spin of the roulette wheel!  She didn't get more than ten feet from the window!  I'll tell you this, robot dog or no, she is damn lucky they reinforce both sides of that screen, because I was ready to wring her neck.

Thankfully she just dumped all ten-thousand-odd chips out of her big crazy person sack at once, instead of doing it one stupid chip at a time.

I swear, first thing Monday, I'm tellin' Swank i want off the night shift.

Someone's Gonna Be A Very Happy Mailbox Looter.

With Yes Man all set up at the Tops and all the factions taken care of, it was almost time to head to the dam. But I wanted to take care of a few things first, go buy a bunch of ammo (because why not) and turn in all this NCR and Legion money for actual money. 

I had uh...a lot of NCR and Legion money so this took a while. In fact, I quit after like several minutes of exchanging stuff and still had something like 96 $5 NCR bills and made 3000 caps just exchanging money. 

I went back to my room, and swapped out a few guns that I didn't think would be particularly necessary and then back to Yes Man to let him know I was ready to head out. 

At the dam, I checked to make sure V-Ron and Rex were still with me then turned to suddenly one of those big fucking guns just fucking explode.

WHAT THE FUCK

I start walking towards it only to have Legion asshole after Legion asshole run towards me. I was super drunk, and switching my gun out for a different gun approximately every 3 kills. A big group of guys? Grenade Launcher! A bunch all spread out? Hunting Rifle! Wait no Sniper Rifle. WAIT NO TRAIL CARBINE RIFLE. AAAAH. 

That guy is far away! Rex go get him!

GOOD DOGGY! YOU ARE THE BEST DOGGY! Muahahahaahaha!

Oh god a plane? It's the fucking Boomers! YES! FUCK YES! 

It's a good thing Rex and V-Ron and stuff were helping because man, I was super distracted by everything. V-Ron knocked a guy off the dam and I ran over and laughed at him as he fell. 

I head into the dam where a couple NCR guards are blocking a control room. I tell them that someone is in trouble and they gotta go help and it's cool, I'll watch the door. They take off running and I laugh at them and go inside the room. There I insert the override chip and activate the Securitron Army. Inside the dam I also find a bowl of noodles, grab a handful to shove in my mouth, and head back towards the surface.

Back outside, I see the Fort up in flames, and robots shooting guys for me. We start making our way towards Legate's camp where outside a guard is standing around. I have my anti-materiel rifle out so I shoot the little lad and watch him start on fire. As he runs in a circle, Rex suddenly tears off towards him and puts the finishing touches on him. He runs back over to me and I check his health.

Completely full.

In the Legate's camp are more Legion who were mostly pretty easy, then the Legate himself. He threatened to nail me to side of the dam, which honestly part of me wondered how he intended to do that, but it doesn't matter because I just gave him a "f'real playa?" and started shooting and soon enough he was dead.

Back at the gate to the camp, the NCR started acting like they wanted to start shit, but...uuuuh, there's a huge army of robots there guys. Plus, I'm so drunk I'm liable to do anything, honestly. I was tempted to start a fight just because...because I wanted to shoot things more, but I convinced the NCR to just piss off instead.

And then, that was that, I guess. The end credits didn't say anything about how drunk I got or how many things I knocked over in the rest of my life. But it had to be a lot.

...

I just realized I never did anything with all that gold I had.

FUCK. 

Disarmed is Dismayed.

I've finally decided that I maybe I need to start wrapping stuff up and taking care of this Hoover Dam stuff. I decided long ago to work towards an independent New Vegas with Yes Man because absolutely everyone else I could side with had upset me in some way. My first step towards this plan was to finally go kill Mr. House.

Now, I didn't think this would be easy. Dude has a lot of security robots up there and those fuckers are armed with missile launchers and have armor and all kinds of stuff. I decide to arm myself to the fucking teeth.

Fat Man
Tesla-Beaton Prototype
Missile Launcher (Annabelle)
Grenade Launcher (Thump-Thump)
The All-American
Alien Blaster
Anti-Materiel Rifle
Sniper Rifle
Hunting Rifle
Trail Carbine Rifle
Riot Shotgun
Hunting Revolver
Maria
4 Pulse Mines
and 22 Pulse Grenades.

As it turns out, I can just run past though robots though, and right to House, where I don't really need a whole lot to murder him. Huh. Guess I got all my big guns out for nothing. Oh well. Time to go see Yes Man at the Tops!

First I gotta knock some of these books of House's shelf though....

Okay! To the Tops!

I walk in and am immediately greeted by one of the workers. Oh yeah, my guns that's ri....

uuuh..

heh heh.

I am still carrying that huge pile of guns.

You guys put these in a safe right? Is it a big one? This is...I have a lot of stuff. Oh boy.

This is awkward.

Pick of the Litter

Today I finally went to Vault 11. Rex was way enthusiastic about mauling those rats and mantises (mantisese?) and I was enthusiastic about throwing things on the floor. I eventually come to find that the vault would once a year send someone to die in a sacrifice to keep the vault from killing them. You access the overseer's computer and take a tunnel under their desk to walk off and die. 

Naturally, I decide I need to try this.

Of course this where part of me thinks, god, I must be just a goddamn idiot. "PLEASE WALK DOWN THIS TUNNEL EXPLICITLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DYING." Yeah sure why not.

The real problem is that my constant state of drunkeness combined with all of my guns and stimpaks just makes me feel invulnerable. It's why I often leap from cliffs that are actually too high to leap off, and why I don't bother looking around for potential threats like...ever. I just walk into them. Oh whoops excuse me, bang bang bang. It's almost weird that I prefer my sniper rifle over something like a baseball bat or bludgeoning club sort of thing. 

So I walk down this hallway, watch a little movie and then oh shit robots are trying to kill me. GOOD LORD ARE THEY EVER. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow," I say as bullet after bullet is fired upon me. What the fuck man. 

I manage to kill them all and then stand there for a second, angry. JEESH. You were killing these sad little vault dwellers with like 5 goddamn robots and two turrets. Is that seriously necessary? Where's the robot for cleaning all this fucking mess up? I think ONE of these robots could've handled some pathetic little unarmed vaulty. FUCK. I checked a room to the side and found some recordings of what happened in the vault. LIKE I CARE. Then checked all the robots and boxes for anything useful. Of course there was nothing I wanted in the room, so I angrily left, angrily stomped up the stairs, and angrily marched back outside. 

You suck, Vault. 

I now had all the stuff I needed to give to the Brotherhood of Steel guys, but man, giving it to them will probably just result in sending me on OTHER errands, so I decided to just wander the wasteland for a bit. Do my own thing, be my own person. All the women, independent, and all that. I knocked back a whiskey and swam to a scavenger platform in the middle of a lake. It was full of lakelurks that I killed and then dragged their bodies into the water. Gotta keep this platform clean. 

Then, I started throwing other stuff in the water, because I cannot help myself ever. It started with little things: bottles, plates, pots, the like. Eventually I ended up at tires and barrels being flung into the water. 

Then I found a stack of books and started throwing them in too, yelling "FISH! HERE IS A BOOK, FISH! LEARN TO READ, FISH! EDUCATE YOURSELF, FISH!" 

I checked.

And those fish were doing none of those things. 

Goddammit, fish.

Whiskey Business

Ugh, okay, what's been going on. I found some irradiated whiskey in Camp Searchlight. I pondered taking it for some time, because of its status as "irradiated." It occurred me that every goddamn thing I touch is irradiated and that for something to be actually marked as such at this point, then the irradiation must be at motherfuck you levels that require caution beyond my usual apprehensiveness (usually none.) Then the part of me that loves whiskey kicked in and I grabbed every bottle I could. And the scotch too. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. And this irradiated Cram, because I might as well. 

Then, since V-Ron's been following me around wearing my vintage armor (GODDAMMIT), I finally decided to go handle some of this shit with the Brotherhood of Steel. Well guess who needs some fucking errands run. Go check on this squad, go check on that squad. They're all DEAD.

Oh and I had to go to that one Repconn building. With all the robots hovering around asking me if I need anything. Not that I could tell them if I DID. They just hover there.

TELL ME A JOKE ROBOT! MY OLD ROBOT TOLD ME JOKES. WHERE ARE ALL MY FREE JOKES? WHERE IS MY PURIFIED WATER? MY HAIRCUTS? WHY DO YOU ASK ME IF I NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU WILL NOT PROVIDE EVEN IF I DID?

Anyway, then go check this guy, go talk to that guy. What the fuck ever. Now will you pretty please go to some Vaults and get some stufffff for us? 

They need their filtration system fixed and thankfully I already picked up one of the parts when I was in Vault 34. I look and see that another part is in Vault 3 and that I had missed while killing all those fiends. So, back there I go.

Inside, I discovered the most wonderful thing. I missed not just those parts. But an entire WING of the vault. Hurray! I go inside and make with the murdering and uh, more murdering. And then I found a room ripe for throwing stuff around and making a mess. There were three boxes of billiard balls, two shelves of pool cues, a box of baseballs. All of which ended up on the floor, very quickly.

Then I tried to see how many of those boxes I could stack up. I got 5 in big stack, went for a 6th and the stack fell over. I yelled JENGA! and left the vault.

Afterwards I didn't really want to go after the third thing, so I drank a bunch of whiskey and meandered a bit. I found a barn with an ant mound in it, and then discovered I could go INSIDE the ant mound. Well I almost threw up right there. That is fucking disgusting. Why did I do this, why did crawl inside an goddamn ant mound? Oh god I think their weird little webby shit is in my hair. *BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH*

Inside, I found a bunch of ants and an ant queen and I killed all of them even though I was the one breaking into their home and they really didn't have much I want. THEY DESERVED DEATH.

FOR BEING SO DISGUSTING.

Heads Up!

You dumb wastelanders. You're so dumb. So. So. Dumb.

When I agree to help you, right? Please, graciously accept my help. I know, I look crazy. I'm wearing a space suit and I have bright blue hair and now I'm wearing these glasses even though I don't need them. But I was helpful and before you tried to kill me, you saw me murder in TWO SHOTS, a goddamn queen radscorpion. The thing was the size of a truck. And I absolutely destroyed it.

So, when you say to me thanks for your help, but I'm gonna kill you now...there's no panic in me. There's no fear. I just sigh. I roll my eyes, I pull out one of my favorite guns, and I shoot you. And then I take all your stuff. You should've just let it be, goddammit. 

I mean seriously.

I wandered around the Wastes for a bit until a golden gecko came at me. I shot it and its head went flying off. Then I decided, I'm not really sure why, to carry the head around out in front me. I yelled "I AM WOMAN WITH THE HEAD OF A GECKO. FEAR ME. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE. I AM NOT OF YOUR KIND. I SEEK ONLY TO DESTROY! ARRRRRARRRRARRRRARARARARGHHHHH!"

I finally decided to drop it but as soon as I did, Rex suddenly killed another gecko, so I decided it was a lucky gecko head and picked it back up. This time I carried it around with one hand, shooting at it with the other and screaming more crazy stuff. Suddenly I dropped it on accident and turned to pick it up when HO LORD A DEATHCLAW. I pulled out a bigger gun and shot at it. I got really excited for a second and ran over to it. Oh man, I thought, I'm gonna carry around a deathclaw head now instead. Unfortunately the deathclaw head was completely destroyed in the murdering, so I shot the body too and it burst into a mabillion pieces. 

Later in Freeside, I took a garbage can and kicked it like 6 blocks. Then realized I could pick it up. Then uh, then I accidentally dropped it on my face. It hurt a little. 

I took the garbage can then and stacked it on top of another garbage can. I felt very satisfied with myself. Like an artist. A sculptor. I stood on a car next to the cans then shot the cans over and yelled out to Freeside:

WORSHIP ME! I AM THE CREATOR AND THE DESTROYER! YOU SHALL ALL LIVE AND DIE BY MY HAND!

Then a King ran over and thanked me for helping out and gave me 17 caps. 

Uh, heh, thanks. 

But You Say He's Just a Fiend, Oh You Say He's Just a Fiend

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin...

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don't see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there's one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha...Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don't ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she's dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.

YOU GUYS. GODDAMMIT. WE'RE ON THIS MURDERING TRIP FOR MY GUNS. 

In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I'm feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It's not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what's this! A kitchen! And where there's a kitchen, there's refrigerators, and where there's a refrigerator...there's usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo' sho')

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they're sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This...looked familiar. Oh...shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must've been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What's up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I...I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry...sorry that took so long. It...it didn't show up as a quest guys, I don't have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I'm really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said "duh." As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write "u suck" under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 

OH NO. FUCK YOU.

I reach in to my bag o' guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for...oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too. 

They Like It When You Throw Pre-War Money In Their Face

It was so good to be back in Wasteland. Oh crappy half-dead tree, how I missed you! Oh blackened, charred bush, you brighten my day so much! Even YOU cranky NCR Trooper who tells me that I am too unpredictable to be trustworthy, I even missed you. It was so nice for there to be things I can just shoot and kill and they're dead and they stay dead. 

So I hiked it to Novac with all my gold, and then mailed it to the Strip where I would...well, deal with it later. Maybe get a GIANT Cash 4 Gold envelope and drop it all in a mailbox again. In Novac, I also took some time to jump on some counters and kick all the coffee mugs off of them. I shot some books off a shelf. I found a radio, and it was on and I stood next to it and it didn't kill me. I felt great. Just great!

Oh...uh except that when I drank those 14 bottles of whiskey in the vault? Yeah, I am wicked hungover now. So, my next task is to find some whiskey. Or a doctor. Then I noticed that I had some whiskey, so I drank it. And then I also found a doctor, so I cured my addiction. It'll be back though very soon.

Up next, finding Veronica. I head to the 188 Trading Post and look for the person wearing all the goddamn expensive ass armor that she was supposed to just be carrying.

HEY.

HEY WOMAN.

YOU KNOW THAT FATHER ELIJAH GUY? THAT YOU LOOOOOVE SO MUCH?

YEAH HE'S DEAD. AND HE'S A DOUCHEBAG. 

NOW GRAB YOUR SHIT, WE GOT STUFF TO DO.

Up next on the agenda: getting my dogggggggyyyyyy.

V-Ron and I trot over to Freeside, and head into the Kings' place. And there's my Rex-y! 

...and there's a bottle of whiskey. I...I gotta take that. 

I steal the whiskey. And then drink it. 

Finally I got my crew back together, and it's time for one last order of business.

STRIPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Ain't Saying She's a Gold Digger

Now that all my companions are found and/or killed, Father E tells me it's time to start breaking into the Vault. I can't remember why I wasn't just trying to break into the vault this whole time, honestly. Why did I bother finding all these people again? Why not go right for the goal? Why all this getting jerked around? Oh I remember, this is my hell.

I go back to the lobby and do some stuff to a computer and then head back up to Vera's suite. I guess she's the "KEY" to the Vault or something? And Christine's new voice is actually Vera's voice so uuuugh let's go open the Vault or whatever. She calls up an elevator and down I go.

Into the next level of hell.

I walk into a hallway and can see a vault surrounded by walkways and some toxic cloud and forcefields blocking my way into it. Awesome. Let me guess, I gotta do some elaborate shit to get in there. I walk down a hallway and my collar start beeping. I back up. NNNNNNooooooooo.

I run down the hall, look around, run back. Run in again, look around, run back to safety. Fuuuuuck. Finally I run in, spot the speaker, shoot it and...oh god, my collar is still beeping. I back off again and it stops. There must be ANOTHER ONE. I start going up some stairs and find a small safe spot where I spy another speaker far across the room. I shoot it, and oh god run run run fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I make it to a terminal and shut off the alarms which I guess were also making my collar beep. WHAT THE HELL.

In the next room are a bunch of security holograms. Jesus fucking chr...

I try to sneak past the holograms...SEVERAL times, only to be spotted and have to dart out of room. I need to get to a console in a small room on the other side of the room to shut off the forcefield to get to the next area. Finally, I say to myself, FUCK IT. I hit a Med X and just RUN PAST ALL OF THE HOLOGRAMS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

OH GOD I MADE IT. HIDE. SHUT OFF THE FORCEFIELD.

Catch my breath.

I wait there for a minute. The holograms become less angry at me, because thankfully they are DUMB.

Then after a bit, I get up again and run past them screaming into the next room. HOLY GOD.

That was probably not how I was intended to get past that. But intentions are not intended for me. Or...something. Look, I MADE IT.

After like another room or two of ordeals I look and oh hey, I'm back at the vault! There's the door I came in! Sweet!

I run over and open the door.

And inside

are

gold

bars.

OH MAN.

Each gold bar is worth 10,000ish caps and weighs 35 pounds each. Fuck. I can't...carry them all. How the fuck am I going...

I start dropping everything I have. All my guns (save for one), my food, my clothes, everything. I drink 14 bottles of whiskey at once. (I uh...I can't DROP those, I mean c'mon.) I manage to pick up 7 gold bars without being overencumbered. I check around the room for other stuff I can carry that doesn't weigh anything, and check again to see if there's anything else I can drop. I am 3 pounds under my max with alcohol and a buffout boosting me.

GODDAMMIT DEAN.

I WOULD'VE LET YOU HELP ME CARRY ALL THIS GOLD OUT.

I go over to a terminal and look around. I find the LONGEST LETTER EVER from the builder of the casino to Vera. Jesus christ dude, shut up. She's dead!

As I leave the terminal, Father E is suddenly on a screen again. All talking to me. Ho lord. Look dude, I'm here. Get down here and look around or whatever you want. He says he's not gonna and I make some threats and some mother-y insults and he says he'll be right down then.

AND tells me not go in the vault? And not to touch anything.

Uuuuh. Heh heh heh. Um. That's gonna...I already...eeeeeh....

I go to the door and wait for him to show up. As he approaches, I hear him outside getting mad at me? What the...He starts shooting at the door, so I open it.

AND THERE HE IS.

The bastard that put me through this goddamn ordeal.

Okay sure, it's not exactly what I wanted. All I got is this goddamn assault rifle. But I do have 7 gold bars, and he's gonna die, right as he was about to get what he wanted. I wanted to kill him with snipey or Maria or any of my nicer guns.

Or

god, I would love to just...just CHOKE HIM SLOWLY. MAYBE BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH ONE OF THESE GOLD BRICKS.

Honestly just shooting him with my gun? It...it was nice, but it wasn't nearly torturous enough. It was far too swift for the crimes that guy committed against my person.

After murdering him, I take a moment to celebr--GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT. MY COLLAR IS BEEPING!

AND THOSE FUCKING FORCE FIELDS ARE BACK.

I need to hurry back to the elevator, and I need to take the fucking long way. I start running through the winding hallways as fast as I can back through all the holograms, toxic clouds, and whatever else was trying to get me, until finally, and just BARELY making it to the elevator. OH THANK GOD.

I end up outside the casino again near the fountain. I take the briefest of seconds to stare angrily at the gate to the Sierra Madre before hurrying to the gate back to the Wasteland as fast as I can.

YES GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Back in the Brotherhood bunker where I was originally abducted, I take a moment to enjoy just being somewhere without ghosts or any other horribly things ready to kill me. And then I climbed a ladder back outside, and suddenly the other ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE POUNDS of stuff I was carrying were returned to me. It took almost five whole minutes. And now I can barely move.

I am currently dragging my ass to Novac, where the nearest Mojave Express mailbox is.

I'm going to spend all of this gold on booze.

Dog is My Co-Pilot Light

All right, one person refound, two more to go. I didn't kill that chick, even though that Elijah dude wanted me to. I figured, who cares, I like her and she hates that Father E too. Up next is the ghoul fella, Dean.

Dean is apparently in the theater. I GUESS the hotel security decided to take each of my companions to where they thought they should be? So because Dean used to sing at the hotel, they took him to the theater? And they took Christine to Vera's room because...she's a woman? And then the mutant is...I guess he's in the kitchen because maybe the hotel had a really fat chef. I got left in the lobby because I look like the sort of person who likes to just linger about.

In the theater, I did...something I don't remember what, and all of a sudden Dean emerges from that back room. He tells me he's got some elaborate plan to kill me and escape before his head explodes so that HE CAN HAVE WHATEVER IS IN THE VAULT MUAHAAHAHAHA.

*sigh*

Dean. Look. I wasn't planning on killing you when I came in here. Mostly because I was explicitly told to kill you and I'm in the most contrary mood ever lately. But now, man, you have pissed me off. Oh what a plan you have, kill someone and run away fast. Let's start with you, stupid.

Dean runs and hides backstage and activates some security holograms so now I have to do a bunch of elaborate shit to actually get to him. HRRRRRRRRRGH. I find a key in some sheet music with some Mentats there too, and break into the dressing rooms. Here's some fucking radios to dart past and near and to and fro and what the fuck ever. I have to find a key to one room and then hack a terminal and find another key and then find a holotape and a way into the projector room and play the holotape and then back to another area and GODDAMN IT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PROBLEMS I COULD JUST SOLVE WITH MY GUNS AND BULLETS. MY SMARTY SMART GUNS.

THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE IS BANG BANG BANG. OH HOW I LONG FOR THE DAYS. Now it's ridiculous traps and things that won't die and no place to sleep.

I finally get to Dean, who wants to talk again, just real quick. ALL RIGHT WHAT?

He talks. I will recap: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHWAHWAHWAHWAHBLAHBLAHBLOOBLOOWAHBLAHBLAH

Is that everything?

Okay then. Time for my guns to shine!

So Dean's dead and th--OH GODFUCKINGDAMMIT MY COLLAR IS BEEPING. I gotta get out of the theater and fast.

FUCKING FUCK.

I sprint towards the door and guess what's outside? Like a whole fuckton of ghost people. Again. This is getting seriously old.

I kill the ghost people and take extra care to remove their limbs so they don't get back up and try to spear me some more. I guess I'll go find Dog now. Once again, I have to do a bunch of pain in my fucking ass tasks to get down to the kitchen, but eventually manage it.

In the kitchen are three leaking gas valves. And Dog, arguing with God, his other personality. I need to sneak past them...him...thim and try to shut off the gas valves. If he sees me? He'll kill himself. Setting off his collar. Aaaaaand igniting all the gas.

Awesome.

Just earlier I was thinking how not enough things were hellbent on killing me. But a gas filled room with a crazy person ready to set it ablaze? Well that's way better than ghosts and air and radios. (oh my.)

I sigh again.

A DEEP. TIRED. SIGH.

I find one of the gas valves and shut it off and then OH GOD HE SAW ME UUUUH...

Run over to him!

Hey man, don't uh set this room on fire, please. Please dude.

I spend some time curing the mutant of his split personality and heave a sigh of relief. I wander around the kitchen for a bit, knocking all the boxes off of some shelves and everything off the counters. I also find a room of meat lockers and for some reason and momentarily excited even though every single meat locker contains "PRE-WAR MEAT" which I go "oh gross" at and quickly close the locker again.

Old salisbury steak in a box that I found in a coffin once? Yeah I ate that. Squirrel stew that was in a mailbox? Why not? Radroach meat that came off a goddamn RADROACH? Well, okay I don't usually eat that. Grilled mantis legs though! Sure!

But pre-war meat?

Please. Even I have my limits.

Four Words? Sounds Like? Fuck. You. Old. Man.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I MEAN

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's do a little fucking recap here, okay? I get hit in the head, dragged to who fucking knows where. An old shithead puts a bomb collar on me and tells me I need to find three other people. I wander all the fuck over and find the three other people and gather them at the fountain. THEN HE SAYS, take each person to a different spot. Okay. Whatever. We all go to different spots, and I trigger the event to break into the Casino. Inside the casino, conveniently gathered before me again are the other three people. I get hit in the head, AGAIN, and when I wake up they are gone. And now.

Now what does old guy tell me to do?

GO FIND THEM AGAIN.



NNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

And he wants me to...kill them. Wait, kill them? What about our collars?

They won't work inside the hotel? If we're on different floors?

BUT THE RADIOS WILL STILL KILL ME YEAH?

OKAY YEAH

JUST UPDATING MY LIST OF WHAT WILL KILL ME. ASSHOLE.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Whatever.

I'm gonna go find that mute chick first since she was like...moderately tolerable. And then I probably won't kill you. Because I'm sick of doing things for this fuckhead. Off I go.

Christin..e? a? i? Whatever. She's up in the Suites so I head up there, annoyed and tired. And then oh good, here we go with the radios again. I really don't know where in my daily life I have ever encountered this many radios before but this place seems to be just fucking littered with them. There's also some holograms of a chick, Vera Keyes all over. Huh, pretty lady holograOH GOD THAT ONE SEEMS ANGRY AT ME RUUUUUUUUUN. After far too much meandering and general being lostness, I find my way into a hotel suite, containing the mute chick.

Hey Mute Chick, I'm here to do something or something, I don't know. But let's get going oka-

WHOA

WHAT

Did you just...you just started talking? SONOFABITCH. I liked you quiet.

I guess at least we don't have to play charades now. I was getting sick of you pointing to yourself, then to me, then to your collar, then drawing a circle in the air, then a figure eight, then pointing back at me.

You. Want uh...ME. To your collar? Into a circle? Eight times? Me? I don't get it.

We talked for a bit, I don't really remember what about. We were in Vera's suite though and I found alllll kinds of whiskey in there. Fuck yes. I also found her dress, which I then put on, thinking it might let me sneak past the holograms easier. I bid Christineiaywhatever goodbye and head out into the hallways again.

I see a hologram.

Okay, let's try this dress thing out.

(why did I think this would work?)

I slooowly approach the hologram. It seems to have detected me, but is still blue. I get closer, still blue, closer still...cloooooooser

Suddenly the hologram turns RED, there's a loud BRRRNT noise and OH GOD OH FUCK OH HOLY FUCK LASERS OUT OF THE EYES FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK RUN RUN RUNF UCK FUCK FUCKING OH FUCK OH GOD FUCKKKKING FUUUUUUCK

I make it to a corner, where I sit and catch my breath for the next hour, periodically sobbing quietly, and sipping on my whiskey between bites of these snack cakes.

I finally work up the courage to move again and make it back to the lobby. And shitty Mcgee has more news for me.

Some of the fucking GHOST PEOPLE from outside have now gotten into the casino.

Are you fuc-

I go through how much goddamn trouble to break us in here? And these brainless assholes just SMASH they're way in? They just SMASH IN HERE?

YOU INCOMPETENT WORTHLESS FUCK.

I can't even

I feel like just murdering you, would be far more effective and efficient than you deserve. Your death needs to be slow, and agonizing, and INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING.

YOU GODDAMN DUMBASS.

I want to drag you back to the Wasteland and take you to my house and make you just rearrange things for a while. No put everything in this room, no put it all back in different room again, no no no, it's all back in the same room again, could you put it all in these rooms now?

There's a slave collar on you! Don't get too close to any ROBOT DOGS. THEY MAKE IT EXPLODE. Sorry! Couldn't fix that little bug!

ALSO

I HAVE A ROBOT DOG.

HE MIGHT LIKE TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND

ISN'T THAT ANNOYING

YES IT IS.

I Feel So Shot At, I Wanna Go Home.

At the top of the bell tower, I took a deep breath of whiskey and flipped the control switch to activate the gala event. I looked out at the casino and saw fireworks shooting into the air and and all kinds of crazy shit like that. Then I looked down and saw ghost people swarming at the base of the tower. Goddammit.

I threw a few gas bombs down at them but it seemed to only kill a couple. Fuck it, I said. I'm just gonna go down there and start punching them. I killed about 8 or 9 of these assholes on my way back to the villa and then just got downright sick of them, so I just started running past them. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you aaaaah fuck yoooouuuu.

I got to the gate and then BAM. I was inside the casino.

And hey, there's all those other people. Why are they laying on the floor?

And why is everything looking all wobbly?

Oh shit.

I got hit in the head again...here I go, falling over, blacking out.

All these concussions cannot be good for my alcohol-soaked brain.

I wake up and all the other dudes are gone. I start looking around when suddenly Father Elijah's voice starts blaring at me out of nowhere. "Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup" I say over and over as he gives me instructions to do something. I honestly didn't hear what he was telling me over the "shutups." I also found some vodka. Anyway, I figure I will just follow the arrows for each task until the task is MURDER. And then..I will still follow the arrow only more excitedly. I wander around some more only to find that there are radios ready to make me explode like...everywhere. I dart really close to one that I can't shut off or destroy to grab a bottle of whiskey that is sitting on a table under it. My collar is beeping super fast, but I dart back out with my whiskey.

WORTH IT.

I go into the casino and OH GOD A HOLOGRAM HIDE IN THAT CORNER.

I hide, and find a terminal to make him go somewhere else. Phewf-ta. I run upstairs and start looking for places that might have awesome stuff I want. But, goddammit another radio. I suddenly remember that I haven't slept for like weeks and sit on a sofa. Oh god it feels ni-HEY! There's that radio!

I draw my gun and shoot it and wander around a lot more. Then I see! A hologram emitter! Sweet, I'ma gonna shoot it. I draw my pistol and BLAM one hologram disappears. Oh GOD THERE WERE TWO MORE.

OH GOD THAT ONE SEES ME!

OH FUCKING GOD IT IS TURNING RED AND SHOOTING LASERS AT ME!

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN FUUUUUUUCK

I dart out of the casino back out to the lobby area, sprint to the couch by the casino's door, sit down, and drink a whiskey to soothe my racing, pounding heart.

Oh god.

I was

I was here the WHOLE time, officer.

I Get It. Ding. It's Very Nice.

Well

I'm at my spot. It was frustrating as hell getting here, with these stupid ghosts and one time I fell into some death air that seemed to just be a pit with no way out except a gate that required a key to open.

I did find a fucking TON of Bubblegum though! So awesome. This stuff is probably so hard. Oh god I love it. It goes so well with whiskey. I swish them around together in my mouth. I call it a Double Trouble Bubble. WHOA-OH! I'm DRUNK!

I also found a room that had a lot of embalming fluid in it. For some reason I immediately hoarded like 3 jars of it, then looked around realized I was in some abandoned funeral home with dead bodies still on tables. I carefully put all the embalming fluid back on the shelves.

I have climbed to the top of a bell tower. When I started getting close I could here the bell clanging.

IT HASN'T STOPPED AT ALL.

WHAT THE FUCK CLOCK

WHAT FUCKING TIME IS IT

EXACTLY ONE GAJILLION O'CLOCK

STOP FUCKING RINGING

God I wanna go back to the Mojave.

There's all this writing on the walls around here telling me to leave, or get out of here, or to run, or to frown and that my head will explode. Then tonight I find one that just says "Where are we." Is this a philosophical question posed to future readers? Should I read this and ponder my place not only in this quest, but in the world, and in the universe? Where are we? Where am I? And perhaps more importantly, where am I going?

Or maybe the writer scrawled these words on the wall in the hopes that someone familiar with the area would stroll by and scrawl an answer on there, and maybe directions to hotel or diner where they could find a place to rest and/or some food.

If I could carry a pen on my person, I would start scrawling things on these walls too. Maybe questions I would like answers to later:

"Hey, where can I get a prostitute around here?"

"Does anyone have the name of a good chiropractor? Like someone I can trust. I don't like most of them, but my back is really bugging me!"

"How long should I bake this chicken?"

Until eventually resorting to bathroom stall style graffiti:

"Father Elijah SUX"

"ME + MY GUNS" in big ol' heart.

"For a good time, leave this place."

I'm Going Sierra MADre.

Oh how I annoyed was I! To discover that when attempting to purchase alcohol from a store hologram that among my missing items are also ALL OF MY CAPS.

MY POCKETS. ARE NOT JINGLING LOUDLY WITH MY EVERY FOOTSTEP ANYMORE.

Thankfully the hologram will also take these spears I took off some dead ghosts. Because I really needed that booze then.

Why does the hologram deal in caps in the first place? Explain to me, Pre-war hologram! Why you are not only accepting, but EXPECTING and LIMITING YOURSELF TO a currency you should not even be aware exists?

I accidentally punched that ghoul guy in the arm. With my bear trap claw. I felt bad for the splittest of seconds until the feeling was replaced with how very very good it felt. Especially since he will not give me those sunglasses he is wearing.

GIVE THEM TO ME!

I deserve them!

I keep finding dressers full of Dirty Pre-War Clothing Item, and have decided that the dirty means it is actually kinky clothes. Picking up Pre-War Spring Outfits and saying, "oooh you a dirty Pre-war Spring Outfit, aren't you? Dirty, dirty!"

Also also, while I am rambling about whatevers and whathaveyous

Whoever put all these Sierra Madre chips around town, I would like to THANK YOU so much for spacing them out in the most annoooooyyying way possible. Thank you for placing some on a chessboard, so that in my attempts to grab them, I accidentally picked up a chessboard.

I have all three of these schmucks in their places now. I guess I have to get somewhere too? I just keep telling myself, that murdering this dude MUST eventually happen. It has to. And that to get that point, I must soldier on. MY PATIENCE SHALL BE REWARDED.

I can only hope that I get all my favorite guns back before that happens. I'd hate to have to murder him with this stupid police pistol. I would much rather he face...Maria.

Why You Wanna Give Me The Run Around?

So a ghoul, a mutant, and a mute chick walk into a toxic gas.

Stop me if you heard this.

BECAUSE IT IS MY HELL.

Ugly Ass Old Dude (aka Father Elijah) has sent me out to find a three other assholes that he's strapped these collars to. I don't know why I get to be the seeker here and everyone else gets to sit in one spot and do nothing. Why can't I find a pleasant spot to relax and wait for someone to come to me? No, no, that would be too easy.

I first head towards a super mutant who is in a room just littered with deadly radios. Run in, shut one off, run back out. HUFF HUFF HUFF.

Run in, shut one off, run back out. HUFF HUFF HUFF.

WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I DOING.

I finally get this mutant dude out of this jail cell he's in. First his name was God, then it was Dog because he apparently has split personalities. Neither of which care to shut up ever.

I take Dog out and we start heading towards the next person. We come across a ghost thing and after killing it, Dog hunches over it and goes to town like it's an Old Country Buffet. What the...dude...that's uhhh

*whiskey time*

Dog turns and looks back at me. He's ready to go again. Uh. Uh huh.

I see a clinic and dart towards it excitedly. Oh god there might be stimpaks or...or stimpaks. God I need some stimpaks. I can't find a bed to sleep in. Every bed I try it tells me I can't wait there. I just...I'm so tired. And hungover. And I need a bed. Uuuuugh.

I work my way through these goddamn dark ass red clouded, trap-infested streets until I reach the clinic. Inside I find a few stimpaks and then realize that the next buddy is supposed to be in here. And I find her. Inside an Autodoc. She's got cuts all over her face and neck and can only seem to communicate via gestures.

Wait wait wait. YOU'RE MUTE?

You won't be talking at me constantly?

If you could just get me booze, you would be my new best friend.

I send her to wait at the fountain and decide I might as well head for dude numero threesome.

I finally find the guy, who is a ghoul that refuses to talk to me until I sit on this chair next to him. I take a seat and he tells me that if I move without his permission, the chair is rigged to explode.

FOR. FUCK'S. SAKE.

HEY! You know what I fucking needed! More threats to my goddamn fucking livelihood. Listen you stupid ghoul fucker. We got explosive collars on our fucking necks and if you got any fucking interest in staying alive, you will haul your lame ass fucking ghoul body out of this shitty little room and do this dumbass thing with me. No I don't want to do it either. BUT WE'RE FUCKING STUCK WITH THIS OKAY. And if you would rather die THEN I WILL DO IT NOW WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS AFTER I FINISH ALL THE BOOZE ON MY PERSON. I AM NOT DYING WITH ALCOHOL LEFT TO DRINK.

Well, the ghoul saw my point of view and headed back there. I met him and Mutey McNoSpeak back there with Dog still following me around.

All right, Angry Head Guy what you want now?

Now...now I need to take each person to a DIFFERENT place.

. . .

So. So go get all these people. Bring them back here. Now? Now take each person. Move them somewhere else?



There is not enough alcohol in the goddamn WORLD.

Get A Pen, It's a Long List.

All right, all right, let's do this Dead Money shit. I should be immediately cautious because DEAD is right there in the name, all bright and on display, but like everything else I do in the Wasteland, I charge in with little to no hesitation and then immediately regret it.

I find a radio station and, naturally decide to follow to a fucking drainage pipe, manhole...thing in the middle of fucking nowhere. I don't know what kind of person I've become where I'm okay with crawling into whatever dirty hole I come across, but I guess it must've started somewhere around the time when irradiated water made showering normally an inconvenience.

I slide my greasy ass down the ladder with Veronica and Rex and right behind me. I find a room with some stairs leading to a door, and of course, a corpse. Finding a headless corpse would be a big TURN BACK sign to a normal person. But me? Fuck no. I've had 4 bottles of whiskey TODAY and I'm gonna check that corpse for money instead. Down the stairs we go!

The stairs lead to a hallway with a radio that I walk towards when I am suddenly knocked unconscious, which apparently caused Veronica and Rex to just fucking BAIL on me. Thanks guys! I will keep this in mind the next time you get knocked out.

A while later I wake up in a creepy red place with a projection of an old ugly dude staring at me. It's Father Elijah. The fuck...VERONICA IT'S YOUR STUPID FRIEND. I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM.

He tells me he has put a bomb collar around my neck, and that I gotta do a whole bunch of stuff for him. Also he took all my stuff. Well all my useful stuff. I still have this finger, and this snowglobe, and all these legion ears. Thanks dude. So how am I supposed to kill anything? You...MADE a gun. Great. And it doesn't actually kill the things here. Even better. And it has hardly any ammo. AWESOME. You are doing a fucking bang up job of this.

Father Elijah explains to me that he's got three other people wearing collars, and I need to go find them all. Oh and he doesn't care if I die, because he'll just find another person and put a collar on them. He explains that other people before me have tried and failed and he doesn't care! Well do you give every person you kidnap this shitty ass gun? Do you take away all the awesome shit they've spent so much time collecting? Maybe if I had like even half of all my stimpaks, and any of my guns, I could do this dumb shit for you. It's like telling a dog to the fetch the paper, but breaking one of its legs first. COME ON DOG. GET IT. WHAT'S THE MATTER DOES YOUR LEG HURT?

I tell the stupid old guy that fine. I will play his game. He will regret ever talking to me, but I will play along. For now.

Oh before I go...Father Elijah needs to tell me everything that can kill me.

Wait what?

1. My collar. Okay sure. Also everyone else's collars. If they die, I will die. Uuuh. That seems useless, but, okay.

2. Ghosts. Wait there's ghosts? Yes. And that gun I gave you can't kill them. Figure something else out. I'm too busy being old and angry.

3. Traps. TRAPS TOO? Yeah there's traps. Why are there traps? Just trying to keep it fun.

4. Radios. That's right. Radios. I'm actually an idiot and I couldn't keep the collars from exploding around radios so...I don't know, figure that out too.

5. Security holograms. You can't kill them.

6. The air.


...

THE FUCKING AIR? THE...THE FUCKING AIR?

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING

THE. FUCKING. AIR?!

Where is my whis-


GODDAMMIT YOU TOOK ALL MY FUCKING WHISKEY TOO.

OH NO YOU DIN'T

Motherfucker.

A collar on my neck? Oh don't be clever?

I am taking a bullet out right now and writing your name on it.

I'll play your little game.

But make no mistake, my one goal in life right now is to KILL YOU.