Open Your Books to Page SIT THE FUCK DOWN

I headed up north to see the Boomers yesterday, and after like two days of doing little favors for them, I am IDOLIZED there.

The NCR though? Now I'm "Unpredictable." Fuck you too NCR. I'm not unpredictable! It is easy to predict that if you all start trying to shoot at me, I am going to shoot you back. That is very fucking predictable.

I have killed huge deathclaws for you. Gathered medical supplies, healed wounded soldiers, brought back dog tags and legion ears, killed Fiends, disarmed a bomb on your fucking monorail, and helped fight off all the legion at Nelson. And you're like, oh we don't know if we like because you also seem to have a fucking spine when we are cocks to you. Well guess what I don't like you either and the things neatly lined up on your shelves shall pay.

The Boomers? They fucking LOOOOOVE me. What did I even have to do for that? I killed a few ants, no problem. I did some going back and forth to get two lovebirds hooked up. I found a little girl's goddamn teddy bear. I got fame just for talking to those kids and being all super charismatic.

I didn't have to...take on an entire enemy camp for them. I was just fucking helpful and they were like Ooooooh man you are the best!

So fuck you NCR I am not helping with anything, I am moving into the barracks here and never leaving.

Oh also, I was in that schoolhouse with boomer kids at like 11 pm on a Tuesday and the teacher was nowhere to be found. What the fuck. I tried to substitute teach, but the kids wouldn't even stay in their seats and shut up for like 10 fucking seconds so I jumped on the teacher's desk, kicked everything off it, threw all the books off the shelves, and then left. PUBLIC EDUCATION IS BROKEN.

Ode To My Sniper Rifle

Oh Sniper Rifle.

Have my deadly armor-piercing bullet-babies that will fire out of you and into the sides of deathclaws who are not even aware of our presence, and then collapse to the ground in a slumped heap.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

You cost me mad crazy caps and to mod you cost even more but I regret not a single cap. Deathclaws do not frighten me now for you will keep me safe.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

Fuck those Deathclaws so hard. Fuck them. So. Hard.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

I am going to all the shops and buying .308 ammo and things to make more .308 ammo and things to make more weapon repair kits for I shall keep you shiny until the day I die of old age or of falling off something totally way too high that I was like "I can so make this jump" at even though I couldn't, because with you next to me I will never be killed by any of the horrible monsters of the wastes.

Oh Sniper Rifle.

I love you.

Cass Is Like Everyone's Grandma

I visited Michael Angelo's shop and as he whined about his lack of inspiration, I offered to take pictures of Wasteland for him, since his pansy-ass is too pansy to go out there itself. He gives me a sweet "Codac" camera and I immediately point it at Cass and ED-E who are perfectly posed for a picture. I zoom in and Cass says to me,

"Don't point that thing at me."

..but, but...picture? You guys look so great!

I...

I took the picture quick and hoped Cass wouldn't be upset with me.

Later as we wandered the countryside, I took a picture of something cool I saw. From behind me I hear Cass again

"Waste of ammo."

It's not a waste of ammo! It's...well it's film first of all, but it's not a waste! These are our memories dammit! I'm gonna cherish these forever Cass! What the hell!

Now go stand next to that giant radscorpion you shot. SMILE!

Escape From (And Return To) Rivet City

(Fallout 3 story!)

So back in the day, my favorite place to wreak havoc was Rivet City. This huge boat, filled with people I found to be mostly just annoying, made for many opportunities to bother them. I would often climb on top of Bannon's shop and shoot the items off the shelves in Seagrave's shop. People would walk by and look at me and I would shoot the ground next to them and tell them to move it the fuck along.

When I first got to Rivet City, I met a chick named Mei Wong who told me she was an ex-slave. Noted. I went on to talk to everybody else, until finally running into a dude named Sister. One of the first things I could tell him was that so-and-so used to be slave. He leaves suddenly and I get negative karma! What the hell, I think. I tell everyone about Paulie's horrible chem addictions, why did I suddenly get frowned at for this? Granted everyone already knew about Paulie...you can't walk within 10 feet of the dude without him asking if you wanna go do some Buffout! No Paulie. I get my strength from whiskey, leave me alone. Go bankrupt your wife's shop or something.

I investigate this Sister dude further and find out that he used to be slaver and presumably, recaptured Mei and she's gone for good now. Well, suck. I'm not talking to him anymore.

I find Angela, and ask her how the seducing Diego thing is going. OH IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME ROOFIES I MEAN ANT QUEEN PHEROMONES. Well hey, I got some of those. I give 'em to her and she is like oh my god yes getting some from a celibate priest guy tonight.

I visit Flak, buy some .308 ammo. I tell James Hargrave to run away from home and he does. I laugh heartily.

I can't get this annoyance at Sister out of my head though. I gotta...I gotta kill him. I have to.

Oh let me check on Angela first. They're getting married! The wedding is tomorrow at 3pm! Fuck, you guys don't waste any time. And I'm invited! Awesome!

I go looking for Sister and find his room. I know! I'll rob him first, then he'll walk into his empty pillaged room and I will pop out and shoot him! Hahahaha! I pick the lock and find that this fucker has NOTHING. He has a pile of scrap metal for me to steal. Fuck. God fucking dammit. There goes ALL OF THE EFFECT now. I stand there for the second when I see him bed. Ooooohmuahahaha. I will put...a mine. IN. HIS. BED. I check the clock. 8 pm. Wait til after the wedding tomorrow? No, I am impatient.

I throw the mine down and go stand outside his room. I wait an hour. Wait another hour. ANOTHER HOUR. C'mon dude. I look inside. The mine is still there, where is he? I wait another hour.

...

BLAM!

Suddenly everyone turns to attack me, as Sister has met his end on his bed. FUCK! Fuck fuck, I gotta run! I head down a hallway into door that says Stairwell. Up the stairwell, out the door and...shit shit shit. This is the top of the boat! No bridge to shore here! Fuck fuck! Uuhhh. I turn around to see security running out the door after me. I look over the edge of the boat. I..I think I can survive that? I hit a Med-X, back up, run and jump for it!

SPLOOSH!

I hit the water and survive, turning back to yell "SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR THE WEDDING!" I swim to shore, fast travel to Megaton, unload my stuff, take a quick sleep and fast travel back to Rivet City. I hurry down the bridge to find that everyone has stopped being mad at me, although the guard looked at me and said he was looking for troublemakers, have I seen any?

No sir officer.

I rush back inside, searching for the chapel. Finally find it, and awkwardly take a seat right up front just as Angela and Diego say their "I do"s and I get some good karma.

SUCCESS.

Oh God, This Is A Mess. I Have to Fix This.

Today I killed the Van Graffs. Then took their bodies and piled them up in the dumpster outside their shop. It took forever because of all the limbs that had fallen off, but goddammit I did it. I'm not gonna have those bodies rotting in the street, scaring customers away from the Atomic Wrangler after I worked so hard to get them a bunch of prostitutes.

Then I wandered over to Novac and into that tent they have outside. A Novac settler stood around in there as I threw all of the glasses and plates off the tables and counters and jumped up and down on them yelling "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

I picked

so

fucking

much

prickly pear.

FUCK YES.

It was an excellent day, yes.

Is There An Ending to The Game Where I Burn Everything Down?

I spent most of the day on Friday drinking whiskey and recruiting people/things to be prostitutes for the Atomic Wrangler. I felt drunk and helpful.

Last night, I helped another prostitute get out of her job and helped two chem addicts kick their addictions. I again felt quite helpful.

I helped get pictures of landmarks for the billboard maker.

I helped settle an argument between the Kings and NCR.

Fuck all you factions. Fuck you so hard. I don't give a shit about your dam or your power plants or your weapons. I am doing good work out here in these rough parts of town. If there was a mission where I could help set up a shelter in Westside so these locals wouldn't have to just sleep on the goddamn ground, I would do it over and over and over.

Fuck you Legion. You have stupid rules and rituals. You are like a stupid church being all like we hate this stuff because someone told us to. Fuck you NCR. Put up a fucking sign if I'm not supposed to walk somewhere. I don't regret the fact that Cass shot four of you, and I looted your corpses and hid them in the bushes. Fuck you Powder Gangers for being assholes just because.

Fuck everyone who wants this fucking Platinum Chip. Gonna drop this thing in a fucking well. Gonna destroy the fuck out of it. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. Keep me out of your goddamn fight.

I have drinking to do.

Aaaaaaahhhhh.

Also I accidentally pissed off the White Gloves when I was punching empty whiskey bottles off their bar and maybe kinda sorta punched a bartender in the process.

I'M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT SHE WALKED RIGHT INTO MY FIST.

Maybe This Is Why I Never Get Free Drinks...

My new favorite game is to go into the casinos, jump on one of them there gambling tables and then play "The Floor is Lava."

I can't imagine a drunk crazy chick with bright blue hair in combat armor, with a robot and another drunk jumping on the table in the middle of your blackjack game is all that endearing.

Haha fuck you guys. I'm kicking your caaaaards.

It's Just That You Scream At Everything...

(This is a story from Fallout 3)

My favorite gun in Fallout 3 was the special sniper rifle called the "Victory Rifle." The best thing about this gun was that it made people fall down. Making people fall down from far away is unbelievably satisfying. Especially when they get up and go right back to whatever they were doing, hopelessly confused about who just shot them. Even after completing a bunch of the DLC and the main story and side quests, I would still grab my unstoppable mutant pal Fawkes and go wander around looking for people in perfect places for me to knock them over.

Fawkes, yes, is ridiculous. He is always yelling at me to be mindful, when at this point, I ain't mindful of SHIT. Dude, I am carrying like 60 Nuka Grenades and a few hundred Stimpaks. No more of this head on a swivel bullshit, we go where we want, we do what we want.

One day Fawkes and I are out strutting about the Wasteland when I see up on a sloped road ahead, an Enclave soldier, standing around maybe patrolling or something. I pull up my scope. Perfect.

I shoot him. He falls down. I laugh. He gets back up.

Fawkes also starts in with his massive gun, but seems to be stuck on a rock or something as no bullets are even getting close to the Enclave guy, but Fawkes keeps firing and screaming and firing and screaming. I'm not even looking at him, I'm all focused on the Enclave guy in my scope.

I shoot the Enclave guy again. Falls down. I laugh. Gets up.

Fawkes keeps screaming and shooting.

I think to myself, jesus Fawkes calm the fuck down, just let me shoot at him, what the fuck. Chill the fuck out.

I shoot the guy a few more times, and Fawkes is STILL YELLING AND SHOOTING.

Finally I fire once more and awwwww, he's dead. So much for that. It was fun while it lasted.

Now, Fawkes, what the fuck are you screaming abou-

OH HOLY FUCK AN OVERLORD

HOLY SHIT! GUN. NEED BIGGER GUN. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

and oh Fawkes killed him.



oooooooh

That's what Fawkes was shooting this whole time.

THANKS BUDDY!

Get A Strap For It.

Dear Brotherhood of Steel People Who Asked Me to Do that Dumb Thing,

Fuck you. Fuck you a million times.

Next time you lose a fucking gun, just take one of your other guns in the giant pile there and shove it in your fucking mouth. I sure as fuck don't want to hear about it. You goddamn idiots.

PS Everyone Else:

Fuck off, you are killing my buzz. I am trying to wander the wastes and get my drank on with my drank friend Cass and you all keep asking me for favors. I will only accept whiskey as payment from now on.

I hate you all.

Love,

Me

Please I Need It.

This Caravan game shit is fucking weird man. But apparently quite popular.

As I approached Primm, walking there from Goodsprings, injecting stimpaks directly into my left foot because you ain't finding insoles for your high arches in the Wasteland motherfucker, an NCR guy is all "I wouldn't go in there."

Oh okay thanks whatever.

I walk into town only to find myself being charged at from all sides by convicts fuuuuuuuck. I take cover and start shooting and I'm getting hit all kinds of bad and I finally decide I gotta make a run back out of town. I dart away taking down another couple convicts with dynamite as I do. After taking a minute to regroup, I head back into town, a bit slower this time. As I near the door to the casino, two more convicts try to kill me and I shoot them quick and run for the door, thinking to myself "pleeeeaaaase don't be full of convicts."

I thrust the door open, burst inside! No convicts! Phewfta!

A man runs over to talk to me as I catch my breath, "what are you doing here?"

I say to him:

*huffhuffhuff*

...

*huffhuff*

*drink of water*


"Wanna play a game of Caravan?"

Violent Mood Swings

I'm at a campfire. I'm super excited because I am going to make me a Caravan Lunch.

Fuck yeah.

Cram, Instamash, Pork N Beans, all shoved in a lunchbox and stirred up with some Radaway. I practically want to make some in REAL LIFE.

SO FUCKING PUMPED TO MAKE THIS.

I got Veronica and the Eyebot following me around and carrying like 200 pounds of shit each.

I turn to the campfire.

I don't have any Cram on me. What the fuck do you mean I don't have any Cram on me I stole like 5 Crams out of this house earlier. What the fuck. Okay maybe robot has the Cram. Robot?

No fucking Cram.

Okay Veronica.

NO FUCKING CRAM.

I fire my gun at the ground and yell:


WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING CRAM!?

Fuckin...Gimme That.

I go into a house in a Novac. And a lady is in her kitchen, with a broom.

FUCKING SWEEPING.

Lady. Sweeping is like STEP LAST of cleaning your house. You should pick up all the large pieces of debris that the broom can't handle first. You should do the dishes, instead of piling them in this crate in the corner.

LOOK IT. The broom isn't even doing anything. The floor looks exactly the same. Stop it. Stop sweeping.

Gimme your fucking broom. Fucking give it to me.

I am going to go throw it in a FUCKING LAKE.




I know, there's no lakes around here.


THAT IS HOW FAR AWAY I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING BROOM.

A Real Person Would Start Choking Me or Something

Why do I love pretending like I took one too many blows to the head when I'm having conversations with people? It's like I'm roleplaying an Alzheimer's patient. I just kept asking this guy in the Dinosaur's Mouth who he was, and what he wanted me to do. Over and over and over.

Who are you?

I'm Manny.

Oh sure sure...what did you want me to do again?


Go to the place and kill the ghouls.

Right right ghouls...and you are?

I'm Manny.

Manny, that's right, I knew that. Did you need me to do something?

Go to the place and kill the ghouls.

Yes. Kill the ghouls. Of course. Okay bye!

Might As Well Face It

I'm addicted to beer.

:/

Haha, My Bad!

Near Sloan, I wanted to go check out the piles and piles of Deathclaws nearby. I climbed some cliffs and walked over and oh shit the Deathclaws saw me.

And then one chased me back to camp and killed a bunch of people and me.

haha

whoops.

Woooooo!

I AM AT MY HOUSE! I AM INSTALLING THIS GAME!

These poker chips that came with the collector's edition are pretty sweet.

12%

C'moooooonnnnnnn

Opening up the playing cards...

These are pretty neat tooooo oh maaaan

41%

I gotta get some snacks and some bevvies I think

68%

shoes off. throw away all this plastic.

80%

ummmm wait patiently...

100%

WOOOOOOOOOOO

SEE YOU ON IN THE WASTELAND!

Wasteland Asshole

I am at work patiently waiting to hear that my collector's edition of New Vegas has arrived before taking off early to go home and play it, so I will write about other shit til then.

I'm pretty naturally inclined to play good characters and am generally helpful to the people I meet out in the Wastes, even though I always answer them rather sarcastically and I myself sit on the couch rolling my eyes and groaning at these people's goddamn requests.

"I GUESS I will untie this wastelander that these Super Mutants were gonna mutate or whatever. Oh he's got Squirrel Stew for me, THANKS A LOT ASSHOLE HAVE FUN DYING SOME OTHER WAY!"

Karma noticed if I did something nice like that or if I did something mean, like killed a good guy. What karma never noticed was how intentionally annoying I tried to be to other people. Oh your desk has lots of stuff on it? Now it's all on the floor, and I am standing on your desk and jumping up and down yelling at you.

I would go into people's houses and just throw all of their belongings on the floor, while they told me to "be more careful" or to watch where I was going. Oh I'm watching all right. I'm watching very closely.

My favorite person to annoy was the scribe that works at the purifier in the DLC Broken Steel. He is perpetually exhausted and already perpetually bothered. You can even say to him that you had a question but forgot what it was. I would do this to him, REPEATEDLY. I would wait for him to fall asleep at his desk and then wake him up to tell him that I forgot what I was going to ask him. I would go outside his office to all his other scribes and talk to them so that they would all say the same thing in near unison.

One day I notice that he has a Nuka-Cola and a Mirelurk cake on his desk.

His LUNCH.

So, I hit a Stealth Boy and stole them.

And then I didn't even eat that Mirelurk cake. I took outside and dropped it in a puddle. It is still there.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I Am Going to Write Here

This is where I'm gonna write stories about Fallout: New Vegas, and old stories about Fallout 3. I like to drink a lot in game.