Wasted in the Spaceland

Somah and I are looking for somewhere to go that's not the same 25 foot hallway of spaceship when I hear a voice coming from one of the cells asking for help. Another prisoner!

It's...

it's a kid.

Great.

I sigh and start talking to her. What do you want? Help you out? Shut off some stuff? Ugh, yeah, I guess. Then she tells me that she knows her way around because she gets out of her cell all the time and wanders the ship until the aliens catch her and put her back in her cell. But you need my help to escape? Whatever.

I hate you, child-thing.

The three of us head down a hallway fighting alie-wait. It's just me fighting them. Oh they're gonna hang back while the drunk chick with all the guns clears out all the bad guys. Fine. YOU'RE WELCOME. I hope you know it's gonna take a while! These aliens have a lot of shelves, and these shelves have a lot of things on them I can knock on the floor. 

These aliens, for being scrawny and annoying, seem to have some really sturdy faces. I keep switching between guns trying to figure out which one destroys them the best, while chucking the occasional nuka-grenade at them as well, and knocking back more whiskey when I get a free moment, and fear I might be getting close to sober. There's a couple of alien workers and I shoot them too, but then the little girl tells me not to because the workers won't hurt me.

Awww, what?

But their heads up popped off really easily!  I really liked shooting them! Dang it.

I'm not doing a very good job paying attention to this kid or where she wants me to go, and am instead just pressing on in whatever directions there are things to kill. I find some alien food, but it's gross looking so uh, no thanks. I think I have a few cans of Cram on me instead. 

After some shooting, the little kid meets back up with and tells me we need to get to the top of the ship, but can't because the aliens are aware of our escape and constant murdering of them. I don't really know what the kid's plan actually is, just that it involves the top of the ship and then later it involves a spacesuit and going outside and what? A big boss alien guy? 

Look. Little girl. I'm gonna drink my whiskey. You point me and what needs to be shot or blown up and I'll do it. I don't need a novel about this plan. 

Ain't no way I'll remember it anyways.

We eventually make it to a bunch of cryopods where I unfreeze a soldier, a cowboy, and a samurai. 

Is this a dollar store action figure set, what the hell? 

The samurai doesn't speak English, and I can tell that no one is gonna know anything about this guy because even if they had ever spoken to each other before this, no one else here speaks the same language as him. But, I ask all of them anyways. 

"Hey you know what the deal is with this guy?"

Maybe I'm just trying to make conversation. Hey, so, how about this spaceship? how about that samurai? Do you like whiskey too? Uh...n-no I don't have any on me. Yes I know I smell like it. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS SUDDENLY. You're boring, I'm gonna talk to that samurai. 

Clothesing Time

Hey there folks! It's me, Reddy S. Gogh, here with drunken news from the Capital Wasteland. 

The other day, me and my mutie pal Fawkes noticed that sitting around our house is 160 Nuka-Grenades and something needed to be done with them. I grabbed as many as I could pile on my person and we went a-wandering for things to kill. We found some Overlords and some Raiders and left behind us a trail of fire and death and empty whiskey bottles. 

Then I got stuck in a rock for a few minutes. 

I finally got out and we found a couple albino radscorpions and a deathclaw and then what the...

A spaceship?

Wow sure is radioactive down here. I'm gonna look around for stuff to whoa hey what the fuck

A blue light surrounded me and suddenly I couldn't do anything. Fawkes! Faaaawwkes! Take care of Dogmeat for me! 

FAWKES!

I SURE AM GETTING GOOD RADIO RECEPTION STILL!

I'LL BE BACK FAWKES!

I black out for a bit and wake up with fucking aliens hovering over me! And some weird probe-y shit coming at me. Oh god what the fuck. Not the butt, not the butt....

I cringe as the close in, and then black out once more.

I wake up again later in a room with this lady, Somah. I try to ask her what's going on but most of what she tells me I already know: aliens, nothing else. Then...then she says they took all my clothes. Ummm, what?

I look down. 

Oh for fuck's sake! I'm in my undies! My armor! My hat! My lucky shades!

Goddammit, I could use a dri-oh yeah, they took all my booze too. Motherfuckers. Where the fuck is all my shit! I had good shit! Give me all my grenades back! I angrily stomp around this tiny room for a bit, while Somah cooks up some retarded escape plan. Then she yells something like "it's coming! Get up against the wall!" 

So I run to one corner of the room and stand there, confused, while I hear some metal grinding and then a guy screaming and then some other weird noises. I ask Somah what that was. 

"Haven't you ever seen a guy picked up by a giant metal claw before!?"

Um, no. And I still haven't because you told me to hide. So I did. I didn't stand there and watch it. Is that what YOU did? I THOUGHT WE WERE HIDING! I wanted to see it! Make it come back! Goddamn you woman!

She says that we should pretend to fight so the aliens will come break us up and then we can jump them and escape. Ah yes, let's...pretend to fight. Somah puts up her dukes and takes a swing at me and I excitedly punch her in the head several times until aliens show up and I punch them to death with my fists! It felt good, but deep down I was missing me guns. I grab one of the batons the aliens were using and head to the next room. 

Pants. If I can just get a pair of damn pants. And the presumed shoes that would be attached to them. It's just...these short things I have on are so breezy. 

More aliens run at me and I scream and kill them! ARRRARRRGH! Leave me alone! I WANT CLOTHES!

As I run around the spaceship with Somah, who seriously has on like four shirts she can't even bother to share with me, I finally find some weird alien container that I thankfully figure out how to open. And inside is all of my stuff! My stuff! Precious stuff! I dig it all out and hug each gun, and every bullet, and every grenade, and every bottle of whiskey while Somah tells me to hurry some more. Shut up women, don't interrupt this tearful reunion. You're not my friend! WHISKEY IS! WHISKEY IS!

I drink a bunch of whiskey and pass out and wake up in that room again. 

Hahah, no, we keep escaping.