Pick of the Litter

Today I finally went to Vault 11. Rex was way enthusiastic about mauling those rats and mantises (mantisese?) and I was enthusiastic about throwing things on the floor. I eventually come to find that the vault would once a year send someone to die in a sacrifice to keep the vault from killing them. You access the overseer's computer and take a tunnel under their desk to walk off and die. 

Naturally, I decide I need to try this.

Of course this where part of me thinks, god, I must be just a goddamn idiot. "PLEASE WALK DOWN THIS TUNNEL EXPLICITLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DYING." Yeah sure why not.

The real problem is that my constant state of drunkeness combined with all of my guns and stimpaks just makes me feel invulnerable. It's why I often leap from cliffs that are actually too high to leap off, and why I don't bother looking around for potential threats like...ever. I just walk into them. Oh whoops excuse me, bang bang bang. It's almost weird that I prefer my sniper rifle over something like a baseball bat or bludgeoning club sort of thing. 

So I walk down this hallway, watch a little movie and then oh shit robots are trying to kill me. GOOD LORD ARE THEY EVER. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow," I say as bullet after bullet is fired upon me. What the fuck man. 

I manage to kill them all and then stand there for a second, angry. JEESH. You were killing these sad little vault dwellers with like 5 goddamn robots and two turrets. Is that seriously necessary? Where's the robot for cleaning all this fucking mess up? I think ONE of these robots could've handled some pathetic little unarmed vaulty. FUCK. I checked a room to the side and found some recordings of what happened in the vault. LIKE I CARE. Then checked all the robots and boxes for anything useful. Of course there was nothing I wanted in the room, so I angrily left, angrily stomped up the stairs, and angrily marched back outside. 

You suck, Vault. 

I now had all the stuff I needed to give to the Brotherhood of Steel guys, but man, giving it to them will probably just result in sending me on OTHER errands, so I decided to just wander the wasteland for a bit. Do my own thing, be my own person. All the women, independent, and all that. I knocked back a whiskey and swam to a scavenger platform in the middle of a lake. It was full of lakelurks that I killed and then dragged their bodies into the water. Gotta keep this platform clean. 

Then, I started throwing other stuff in the water, because I cannot help myself ever. It started with little things: bottles, plates, pots, the like. Eventually I ended up at tires and barrels being flung into the water. 

Then I found a stack of books and started throwing them in too, yelling "FISH! HERE IS A BOOK, FISH! LEARN TO READ, FISH! EDUCATE YOURSELF, FISH!" 

I checked.

And those fish were doing none of those things. 

Goddammit, fish.

Whiskey Business

Ugh, okay, what's been going on. I found some irradiated whiskey in Camp Searchlight. I pondered taking it for some time, because of its status as "irradiated." It occurred me that every goddamn thing I touch is irradiated and that for something to be actually marked as such at this point, then the irradiation must be at motherfuck you levels that require caution beyond my usual apprehensiveness (usually none.) Then the part of me that loves whiskey kicked in and I grabbed every bottle I could. And the scotch too. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. And this irradiated Cram, because I might as well. 

Then, since V-Ron's been following me around wearing my vintage armor (GODDAMMIT), I finally decided to go handle some of this shit with the Brotherhood of Steel. Well guess who needs some fucking errands run. Go check on this squad, go check on that squad. They're all DEAD.

Oh and I had to go to that one Repconn building. With all the robots hovering around asking me if I need anything. Not that I could tell them if I DID. They just hover there.

TELL ME A JOKE ROBOT! MY OLD ROBOT TOLD ME JOKES. WHERE ARE ALL MY FREE JOKES? WHERE IS MY PURIFIED WATER? MY HAIRCUTS? WHY DO YOU ASK ME IF I NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU WILL NOT PROVIDE EVEN IF I DID?

Anyway, then go check this guy, go talk to that guy. What the fuck ever. Now will you pretty please go to some Vaults and get some stufffff for us? 

They need their filtration system fixed and thankfully I already picked up one of the parts when I was in Vault 34. I look and see that another part is in Vault 3 and that I had missed while killing all those fiends. So, back there I go.

Inside, I discovered the most wonderful thing. I missed not just those parts. But an entire WING of the vault. Hurray! I go inside and make with the murdering and uh, more murdering. And then I found a room ripe for throwing stuff around and making a mess. There were three boxes of billiard balls, two shelves of pool cues, a box of baseballs. All of which ended up on the floor, very quickly.

Then I tried to see how many of those boxes I could stack up. I got 5 in big stack, went for a 6th and the stack fell over. I yelled JENGA! and left the vault.

Afterwards I didn't really want to go after the third thing, so I drank a bunch of whiskey and meandered a bit. I found a barn with an ant mound in it, and then discovered I could go INSIDE the ant mound. Well I almost threw up right there. That is fucking disgusting. Why did I do this, why did crawl inside an goddamn ant mound? Oh god I think their weird little webby shit is in my hair. *BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH*

Inside, I found a bunch of ants and an ant queen and I killed all of them even though I was the one breaking into their home and they really didn't have much I want. THEY DESERVED DEATH.

FOR BEING SO DISGUSTING.

Heads Up!

You dumb wastelanders. You're so dumb. So. So. Dumb.

When I agree to help you, right? Please, graciously accept my help. I know, I look crazy. I'm wearing a space suit and I have bright blue hair and now I'm wearing these glasses even though I don't need them. But I was helpful and before you tried to kill me, you saw me murder in TWO SHOTS, a goddamn queen radscorpion. The thing was the size of a truck. And I absolutely destroyed it.

So, when you say to me thanks for your help, but I'm gonna kill you now...there's no panic in me. There's no fear. I just sigh. I roll my eyes, I pull out one of my favorite guns, and I shoot you. And then I take all your stuff. You should've just let it be, goddammit. 

I mean seriously.

I wandered around the Wastes for a bit until a golden gecko came at me. I shot it and its head went flying off. Then I decided, I'm not really sure why, to carry the head around out in front me. I yelled "I AM WOMAN WITH THE HEAD OF A GECKO. FEAR ME. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE. I AM NOT OF YOUR KIND. I SEEK ONLY TO DESTROY! ARRRRRARRRRARRRRARARARARGHHHHH!"

I finally decided to drop it but as soon as I did, Rex suddenly killed another gecko, so I decided it was a lucky gecko head and picked it back up. This time I carried it around with one hand, shooting at it with the other and screaming more crazy stuff. Suddenly I dropped it on accident and turned to pick it up when HO LORD A DEATHCLAW. I pulled out a bigger gun and shot at it. I got really excited for a second and ran over to it. Oh man, I thought, I'm gonna carry around a deathclaw head now instead. Unfortunately the deathclaw head was completely destroyed in the murdering, so I shot the body too and it burst into a mabillion pieces. 

Later in Freeside, I took a garbage can and kicked it like 6 blocks. Then realized I could pick it up. Then uh, then I accidentally dropped it on my face. It hurt a little. 

I took the garbage can then and stacked it on top of another garbage can. I felt very satisfied with myself. Like an artist. A sculptor. I stood on a car next to the cans then shot the cans over and yelled out to Freeside:

WORSHIP ME! I AM THE CREATOR AND THE DESTROYER! YOU SHALL ALL LIVE AND DIE BY MY HAND!

Then a King ran over and thanked me for helping out and gave me 17 caps. 

Uh, heh, thanks. 

But You Say He's Just a Fiend, Oh You Say He's Just a Fiend

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin...

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don't see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there's one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha...Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don't ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she's dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.

YOU GUYS. GODDAMMIT. WE'RE ON THIS MURDERING TRIP FOR MY GUNS. 

In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I'm feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It's not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what's this! A kitchen! And where there's a kitchen, there's refrigerators, and where there's a refrigerator...there's usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo' sho')

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they're sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This...looked familiar. Oh...shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must've been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What's up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I...I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry...sorry that took so long. It...it didn't show up as a quest guys, I don't have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I'm really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said "duh." As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write "u suck" under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 

OH NO. FUCK YOU.

I reach in to my bag o' guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for...oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too. 

They Like It When You Throw Pre-War Money In Their Face

It was so good to be back in Wasteland. Oh crappy half-dead tree, how I missed you! Oh blackened, charred bush, you brighten my day so much! Even YOU cranky NCR Trooper who tells me that I am too unpredictable to be trustworthy, I even missed you. It was so nice for there to be things I can just shoot and kill and they're dead and they stay dead. 

So I hiked it to Novac with all my gold, and then mailed it to the Strip where I would...well, deal with it later. Maybe get a GIANT Cash 4 Gold envelope and drop it all in a mailbox again. In Novac, I also took some time to jump on some counters and kick all the coffee mugs off of them. I shot some books off a shelf. I found a radio, and it was on and I stood next to it and it didn't kill me. I felt great. Just great!

Oh...uh except that when I drank those 14 bottles of whiskey in the vault? Yeah, I am wicked hungover now. So, my next task is to find some whiskey. Or a doctor. Then I noticed that I had some whiskey, so I drank it. And then I also found a doctor, so I cured my addiction. It'll be back though very soon.

Up next, finding Veronica. I head to the 188 Trading Post and look for the person wearing all the goddamn expensive ass armor that she was supposed to just be carrying.

HEY.

HEY WOMAN.

YOU KNOW THAT FATHER ELIJAH GUY? THAT YOU LOOOOOVE SO MUCH?

YEAH HE'S DEAD. AND HE'S A DOUCHEBAG. 

NOW GRAB YOUR SHIT, WE GOT STUFF TO DO.

Up next on the agenda: getting my dogggggggyyyyyy.

V-Ron and I trot over to Freeside, and head into the Kings' place. And there's my Rex-y! 

...and there's a bottle of whiskey. I...I gotta take that. 

I steal the whiskey. And then drink it. 

Finally I got my crew back together, and it's time for one last order of business.

STRIPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!