Whiskey Business

Ugh, okay, what's been going on. I found some irradiated whiskey in Camp Searchlight. I pondered taking it for some time, because of its status as "irradiated." It occurred me that every goddamn thing I touch is irradiated and that for something to be actually marked as such at this point, then the irradiation must be at motherfuck you levels that require caution beyond my usual apprehensiveness (usually none.) Then the part of me that loves whiskey kicked in and I grabbed every bottle I could. And the scotch too. Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. And this irradiated Cram, because I might as well. 

Then, since V-Ron's been following me around wearing my vintage armor (GODDAMMIT), I finally decided to go handle some of this shit with the Brotherhood of Steel. Well guess who needs some fucking errands run. Go check on this squad, go check on that squad. They're all DEAD.

Oh and I had to go to that one Repconn building. With all the robots hovering around asking me if I need anything. Not that I could tell them if I DID. They just hover there.

TELL ME A JOKE ROBOT! MY OLD ROBOT TOLD ME JOKES. WHERE ARE ALL MY FREE JOKES? WHERE IS MY PURIFIED WATER? MY HAIRCUTS? WHY DO YOU ASK ME IF I NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU WILL NOT PROVIDE EVEN IF I DID?

Anyway, then go check this guy, go talk to that guy. What the fuck ever. Now will you pretty please go to some Vaults and get some stufffff for us? 

They need their filtration system fixed and thankfully I already picked up one of the parts when I was in Vault 34. I look and see that another part is in Vault 3 and that I had missed while killing all those fiends. So, back there I go.

Inside, I discovered the most wonderful thing. I missed not just those parts. But an entire WING of the vault. Hurray! I go inside and make with the murdering and uh, more murdering. And then I found a room ripe for throwing stuff around and making a mess. There were three boxes of billiard balls, two shelves of pool cues, a box of baseballs. All of which ended up on the floor, very quickly.

Then I tried to see how many of those boxes I could stack up. I got 5 in big stack, went for a 6th and the stack fell over. I yelled JENGA! and left the vault.

Afterwards I didn't really want to go after the third thing, so I drank a bunch of whiskey and meandered a bit. I found a barn with an ant mound in it, and then discovered I could go INSIDE the ant mound. Well I almost threw up right there. That is fucking disgusting. Why did I do this, why did crawl inside an goddamn ant mound? Oh god I think their weird little webby shit is in my hair. *BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH*

Inside, I found a bunch of ants and an ant queen and I killed all of them even though I was the one breaking into their home and they really didn't have much I want. THEY DESERVED DEATH.

FOR BEING SO DISGUSTING.

Heads Up!

You dumb wastelanders. You're so dumb. So. So. Dumb.

When I agree to help you, right? Please, graciously accept my help. I know, I look crazy. I'm wearing a space suit and I have bright blue hair and now I'm wearing these glasses even though I don't need them. But I was helpful and before you tried to kill me, you saw me murder in TWO SHOTS, a goddamn queen radscorpion. The thing was the size of a truck. And I absolutely destroyed it.

So, when you say to me thanks for your help, but I'm gonna kill you now...there's no panic in me. There's no fear. I just sigh. I roll my eyes, I pull out one of my favorite guns, and I shoot you. And then I take all your stuff. You should've just let it be, goddammit. 

I mean seriously.

I wandered around the Wastes for a bit until a golden gecko came at me. I shot it and its head went flying off. Then I decided, I'm not really sure why, to carry the head around out in front me. I yelled "I AM WOMAN WITH THE HEAD OF A GECKO. FEAR ME. I AM A FREAK OF NATURE. I AM NOT OF YOUR KIND. I SEEK ONLY TO DESTROY! ARRRRRARRRRARRRRARARARARGHHHHH!"

I finally decided to drop it but as soon as I did, Rex suddenly killed another gecko, so I decided it was a lucky gecko head and picked it back up. This time I carried it around with one hand, shooting at it with the other and screaming more crazy stuff. Suddenly I dropped it on accident and turned to pick it up when HO LORD A DEATHCLAW. I pulled out a bigger gun and shot at it. I got really excited for a second and ran over to it. Oh man, I thought, I'm gonna carry around a deathclaw head now instead. Unfortunately the deathclaw head was completely destroyed in the murdering, so I shot the body too and it burst into a mabillion pieces. 

Later in Freeside, I took a garbage can and kicked it like 6 blocks. Then realized I could pick it up. Then uh, then I accidentally dropped it on my face. It hurt a little. 

I took the garbage can then and stacked it on top of another garbage can. I felt very satisfied with myself. Like an artist. A sculptor. I stood on a car next to the cans then shot the cans over and yelled out to Freeside:

WORSHIP ME! I AM THE CREATOR AND THE DESTROYER! YOU SHALL ALL LIVE AND DIE BY MY HAND!

Then a King ran over and thanked me for helping out and gave me 17 caps. 

Uh, heh, thanks. 

But You Say He's Just a Fiend, Oh You Say He's Just a Fiend

Having reacquainted myself with the Wasteland and reacquired my buddies and taken a moment to sleep with a prostitute and also taken some time to just fucking sleep, I decided that those fiends in Vault 3 had gotten a free pass from me for long enough. Plus my guns were in need of some exercise and I knew there were enough dudes down there for everyone to get a turn at some murdering. 

Before even entering the Vault, there were fiends outside trying to kill me. Hahaha, how quaint. I decided to let the hunting revolver (Revvy) go first and popped their heads off. Wooo! 

All right, to the Vault. I walked to the door and was reminded that, hey, you need to push a different button to open it. Fuckin...

I walk over the precious little button and push it. Inside it is fucking dark and I don't see any fiends immediately. I turn on my light, and oh jesus there's one right in front of me. Saying shit to me. Wha...Oh yeah! These fiends like me and for some reason don't ever seem to notice me killing all those other fiends outside. I nod politely then turn around, open my Pimp Boy and check through all my guns. I find one, turn back around and BAM B-oh she's dead. 

Ooooh fuck there were like three other fiends in this room.

I should really scout this shit out better.

Actually, never goddamn fucking mind because Veronica and Rex killed them already.

YOU GUYS. GODDAMMIT. WE'RE ON THIS MURDERING TRIP FOR MY GUNS. 

In the next area, I see some more fiends who for the moment, are not upset with. The fiends apparently have poor communications. I grab my shotgun Dinner Bell (Din Din for short, Rin Din Din if I'm feeling kooky), and go to town. 

I start searching through all their stuff, but seriously these guys have like the shittiest little pistols. It's not even worth it to me to carry them out and sell them. Ooh but what's this! A kitchen! And where there's a kitchen, there's refrigerators, and where there's a refrigerator...there's usually booze. 

And good lord, so much fucking Cram. (We be making Caravan Lunches late fo' sho')

Further into the Vault, I find living quarters where some fiends are sleeping and others look like they're sleeping but appear to actually be dead. Because I guess they overdosed. Thankfully they all left their massive stashes behind. 

In one room was a cage with a bunch of prisoners in it. This...looked familiar. Oh...shit. I remembered now that when I was in the Vault before, I saw these guys and uh, jesus, I told them I would save them. Oh god that must've been months ago. Uh heh heh, hey guys. What's up? You still wanna someone to save ya, yeah, I...I thought that might be the case. 

I find a key on a fiend I killed and run back to their cage. I unlock and apologize as they leave. Sorry, sorry...sorry that took so long. It...it didn't show up as a quest guys, I don't have the best attention span, I drink a lot. I'm really sorry. Here, please take this Dino Toy. On the house.

The Vault has a lot of crazy graffiti on the walls including one spot where it just said "duh." As I admired their creativity (and wished I had spray paint so I could write "u suck" under it), another fiend come up behind me and started shooting. 

OH NO. FUCK YOU.

I reach in to my bag o' guns and pull out Maria. She makes me feel special, and vengeful. I pop the fiend in the face and then walked over and just shot at their corpse a bit. 

I wandered around the Vault a bit longer, knocking things off shelves and trashing their little coffee pot area. And then decided I was ready to head back home.

In my apartment, I realized it had been ages since I jumped on the bed. So I did that for...oh, a while. Probably too long. 

Then I wandered around, just being happy with my place. I put all the pool balls in pockets. I carried a bunch of stuff from other rooms and dropped them in my bath tub. I used my plunger on the toilet for a while, giggling at it until finally putting the plunger in the bathtub too. 

They Like It When You Throw Pre-War Money In Their Face

It was so good to be back in Wasteland. Oh crappy half-dead tree, how I missed you! Oh blackened, charred bush, you brighten my day so much! Even YOU cranky NCR Trooper who tells me that I am too unpredictable to be trustworthy, I even missed you. It was so nice for there to be things I can just shoot and kill and they're dead and they stay dead. 

So I hiked it to Novac with all my gold, and then mailed it to the Strip where I would...well, deal with it later. Maybe get a GIANT Cash 4 Gold envelope and drop it all in a mailbox again. In Novac, I also took some time to jump on some counters and kick all the coffee mugs off of them. I shot some books off a shelf. I found a radio, and it was on and I stood next to it and it didn't kill me. I felt great. Just great!

Oh...uh except that when I drank those 14 bottles of whiskey in the vault? Yeah, I am wicked hungover now. So, my next task is to find some whiskey. Or a doctor. Then I noticed that I had some whiskey, so I drank it. And then I also found a doctor, so I cured my addiction. It'll be back though very soon.

Up next, finding Veronica. I head to the 188 Trading Post and look for the person wearing all the goddamn expensive ass armor that she was supposed to just be carrying.

HEY.

HEY WOMAN.

YOU KNOW THAT FATHER ELIJAH GUY? THAT YOU LOOOOOVE SO MUCH?

YEAH HE'S DEAD. AND HE'S A DOUCHEBAG. 

NOW GRAB YOUR SHIT, WE GOT STUFF TO DO.

Up next on the agenda: getting my dogggggggyyyyyy.

V-Ron and I trot over to Freeside, and head into the Kings' place. And there's my Rex-y! 

...and there's a bottle of whiskey. I...I gotta take that. 

I steal the whiskey. And then drink it. 

Finally I got my crew back together, and it's time for one last order of business.

STRIPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Ain't Saying She's a Gold Digger

Now that all my companions are found and/or killed, Father E tells me it's time to start breaking into the Vault. I can't remember why I wasn't just trying to break into the vault this whole time, honestly. Why did I bother finding all these people again? Why not go right for the goal? Why all this getting jerked around? Oh I remember, this is my hell.

I go back to the lobby and do some stuff to a computer and then head back up to Vera's suite. I guess she's the "KEY" to the Vault or something? And Christine's new voice is actually Vera's voice so uuuugh let's go open the Vault or whatever. She calls up an elevator and down I go.

Into the next level of hell.

I walk into a hallway and can see a vault surrounded by walkways and some toxic cloud and forcefields blocking my way into it. Awesome. Let me guess, I gotta do some elaborate shit to get in there. I walk down a hallway and my collar start beeping. I back up. NNNNNNooooooooo.

I run down the hall, look around, run back. Run in again, look around, run back to safety. Fuuuuuck. Finally I run in, spot the speaker, shoot it and...oh god, my collar is still beeping. I back off again and it stops. There must be ANOTHER ONE. I start going up some stairs and find a small safe spot where I spy another speaker far across the room. I shoot it, and oh god run run run fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I make it to a terminal and shut off the alarms which I guess were also making my collar beep. WHAT THE HELL.

In the next room are a bunch of security holograms. Jesus fucking chr...

I try to sneak past the holograms...SEVERAL times, only to be spotted and have to dart out of room. I need to get to a console in a small room on the other side of the room to shut off the forcefield to get to the next area. Finally, I say to myself, FUCK IT. I hit a Med X and just RUN PAST ALL OF THE HOLOGRAMS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

OH GOD I MADE IT. HIDE. SHUT OFF THE FORCEFIELD.

Catch my breath.

I wait there for a minute. The holograms become less angry at me, because thankfully they are DUMB.

Then after a bit, I get up again and run past them screaming into the next room. HOLY GOD.

That was probably not how I was intended to get past that. But intentions are not intended for me. Or...something. Look, I MADE IT.

After like another room or two of ordeals I look and oh hey, I'm back at the vault! There's the door I came in! Sweet!

I run over and open the door.

And inside

are

gold

bars.

OH MAN.

Each gold bar is worth 10,000ish caps and weighs 35 pounds each. Fuck. I can't...carry them all. How the fuck am I going...

I start dropping everything I have. All my guns (save for one), my food, my clothes, everything. I drink 14 bottles of whiskey at once. (I uh...I can't DROP those, I mean c'mon.) I manage to pick up 7 gold bars without being overencumbered. I check around the room for other stuff I can carry that doesn't weigh anything, and check again to see if there's anything else I can drop. I am 3 pounds under my max with alcohol and a buffout boosting me.

GODDAMMIT DEAN.

I WOULD'VE LET YOU HELP ME CARRY ALL THIS GOLD OUT.

I go over to a terminal and look around. I find the LONGEST LETTER EVER from the builder of the casino to Vera. Jesus christ dude, shut up. She's dead!

As I leave the terminal, Father E is suddenly on a screen again. All talking to me. Ho lord. Look dude, I'm here. Get down here and look around or whatever you want. He says he's not gonna and I make some threats and some mother-y insults and he says he'll be right down then.

AND tells me not go in the vault? And not to touch anything.

Uuuuh. Heh heh heh. Um. That's gonna...I already...eeeeeh....

I go to the door and wait for him to show up. As he approaches, I hear him outside getting mad at me? What the...He starts shooting at the door, so I open it.

AND THERE HE IS.

The bastard that put me through this goddamn ordeal.

Okay sure, it's not exactly what I wanted. All I got is this goddamn assault rifle. But I do have 7 gold bars, and he's gonna die, right as he was about to get what he wanted. I wanted to kill him with snipey or Maria or any of my nicer guns.

Or

god, I would love to just...just CHOKE HIM SLOWLY. MAYBE BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH ONE OF THESE GOLD BRICKS.

Honestly just shooting him with my gun? It...it was nice, but it wasn't nearly torturous enough. It was far too swift for the crimes that guy committed against my person.

After murdering him, I take a moment to celebr--GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT. MY COLLAR IS BEEPING!

AND THOSE FUCKING FORCE FIELDS ARE BACK.

I need to hurry back to the elevator, and I need to take the fucking long way. I start running through the winding hallways as fast as I can back through all the holograms, toxic clouds, and whatever else was trying to get me, until finally, and just BARELY making it to the elevator. OH THANK GOD.

I end up outside the casino again near the fountain. I take the briefest of seconds to stare angrily at the gate to the Sierra Madre before hurrying to the gate back to the Wasteland as fast as I can.

YES GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Back in the Brotherhood bunker where I was originally abducted, I take a moment to enjoy just being somewhere without ghosts or any other horribly things ready to kill me. And then I climbed a ladder back outside, and suddenly the other ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE POUNDS of stuff I was carrying were returned to me. It took almost five whole minutes. And now I can barely move.

I am currently dragging my ass to Novac, where the nearest Mojave Express mailbox is.

I'm going to spend all of this gold on booze.

Dog is My Co-Pilot Light

All right, one person refound, two more to go. I didn't kill that chick, even though that Elijah dude wanted me to. I figured, who cares, I like her and she hates that Father E too. Up next is the ghoul fella, Dean.

Dean is apparently in the theater. I GUESS the hotel security decided to take each of my companions to where they thought they should be? So because Dean used to sing at the hotel, they took him to the theater? And they took Christine to Vera's room because...she's a woman? And then the mutant is...I guess he's in the kitchen because maybe the hotel had a really fat chef. I got left in the lobby because I look like the sort of person who likes to just linger about.

In the theater, I did...something I don't remember what, and all of a sudden Dean emerges from that back room. He tells me he's got some elaborate plan to kill me and escape before his head explodes so that HE CAN HAVE WHATEVER IS IN THE VAULT MUAHAAHAHAHA.

*sigh*

Dean. Look. I wasn't planning on killing you when I came in here. Mostly because I was explicitly told to kill you and I'm in the most contrary mood ever lately. But now, man, you have pissed me off. Oh what a plan you have, kill someone and run away fast. Let's start with you, stupid.

Dean runs and hides backstage and activates some security holograms so now I have to do a bunch of elaborate shit to actually get to him. HRRRRRRRRRGH. I find a key in some sheet music with some Mentats there too, and break into the dressing rooms. Here's some fucking radios to dart past and near and to and fro and what the fuck ever. I have to find a key to one room and then hack a terminal and find another key and then find a holotape and a way into the projector room and play the holotape and then back to another area and GODDAMN IT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PROBLEMS I COULD JUST SOLVE WITH MY GUNS AND BULLETS. MY SMARTY SMART GUNS.

THE ANSWER TO THIS RIDDLE IS BANG BANG BANG. OH HOW I LONG FOR THE DAYS. Now it's ridiculous traps and things that won't die and no place to sleep.

I finally get to Dean, who wants to talk again, just real quick. ALL RIGHT WHAT?

He talks. I will recap: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHWAHWAHWAHWAHBLAHBLAHBLOOBLOOWAHBLAHBLAH

Is that everything?

Okay then. Time for my guns to shine!

So Dean's dead and th--OH GODFUCKINGDAMMIT MY COLLAR IS BEEPING. I gotta get out of the theater and fast.

FUCKING FUCK.

I sprint towards the door and guess what's outside? Like a whole fuckton of ghost people. Again. This is getting seriously old.

I kill the ghost people and take extra care to remove their limbs so they don't get back up and try to spear me some more. I guess I'll go find Dog now. Once again, I have to do a bunch of pain in my fucking ass tasks to get down to the kitchen, but eventually manage it.

In the kitchen are three leaking gas valves. And Dog, arguing with God, his other personality. I need to sneak past them...him...thim and try to shut off the gas valves. If he sees me? He'll kill himself. Setting off his collar. Aaaaaand igniting all the gas.

Awesome.

Just earlier I was thinking how not enough things were hellbent on killing me. But a gas filled room with a crazy person ready to set it ablaze? Well that's way better than ghosts and air and radios. (oh my.)

I sigh again.

A DEEP. TIRED. SIGH.

I find one of the gas valves and shut it off and then OH GOD HE SAW ME UUUUH...

Run over to him!

Hey man, don't uh set this room on fire, please. Please dude.

I spend some time curing the mutant of his split personality and heave a sigh of relief. I wander around the kitchen for a bit, knocking all the boxes off of some shelves and everything off the counters. I also find a room of meat lockers and for some reason and momentarily excited even though every single meat locker contains "PRE-WAR MEAT" which I go "oh gross" at and quickly close the locker again.

Old salisbury steak in a box that I found in a coffin once? Yeah I ate that. Squirrel stew that was in a mailbox? Why not? Radroach meat that came off a goddamn RADROACH? Well, okay I don't usually eat that. Grilled mantis legs though! Sure!

But pre-war meat?

Please. Even I have my limits.

Four Words? Sounds Like? Fuck. You. Old. Man.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I MEAN

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's do a little fucking recap here, okay? I get hit in the head, dragged to who fucking knows where. An old shithead puts a bomb collar on me and tells me I need to find three other people. I wander all the fuck over and find the three other people and gather them at the fountain. THEN HE SAYS, take each person to a different spot. Okay. Whatever. We all go to different spots, and I trigger the event to break into the Casino. Inside the casino, conveniently gathered before me again are the other three people. I get hit in the head, AGAIN, and when I wake up they are gone. And now.

Now what does old guy tell me to do?

GO FIND THEM AGAIN.



NNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

And he wants me to...kill them. Wait, kill them? What about our collars?

They won't work inside the hotel? If we're on different floors?

BUT THE RADIOS WILL STILL KILL ME YEAH?

OKAY YEAH

JUST UPDATING MY LIST OF WHAT WILL KILL ME. ASSHOLE.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Whatever.

I'm gonna go find that mute chick first since she was like...moderately tolerable. And then I probably won't kill you. Because I'm sick of doing things for this fuckhead. Off I go.

Christin..e? a? i? Whatever. She's up in the Suites so I head up there, annoyed and tired. And then oh good, here we go with the radios again. I really don't know where in my daily life I have ever encountered this many radios before but this place seems to be just fucking littered with them. There's also some holograms of a chick, Vera Keyes all over. Huh, pretty lady holograOH GOD THAT ONE SEEMS ANGRY AT ME RUUUUUUUUUN. After far too much meandering and general being lostness, I find my way into a hotel suite, containing the mute chick.

Hey Mute Chick, I'm here to do something or something, I don't know. But let's get going oka-

WHOA

WHAT

Did you just...you just started talking? SONOFABITCH. I liked you quiet.

I guess at least we don't have to play charades now. I was getting sick of you pointing to yourself, then to me, then to your collar, then drawing a circle in the air, then a figure eight, then pointing back at me.

You. Want uh...ME. To your collar? Into a circle? Eight times? Me? I don't get it.

We talked for a bit, I don't really remember what about. We were in Vera's suite though and I found alllll kinds of whiskey in there. Fuck yes. I also found her dress, which I then put on, thinking it might let me sneak past the holograms easier. I bid Christineiaywhatever goodbye and head out into the hallways again.

I see a hologram.

Okay, let's try this dress thing out.

(why did I think this would work?)

I slooowly approach the hologram. It seems to have detected me, but is still blue. I get closer, still blue, closer still...cloooooooser

Suddenly the hologram turns RED, there's a loud BRRRNT noise and OH GOD OH FUCK OH HOLY FUCK LASERS OUT OF THE EYES FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK RUN RUN RUNF UCK FUCK FUCKING OH FUCK OH GOD FUCKKKKING FUUUUUUCK

I make it to a corner, where I sit and catch my breath for the next hour, periodically sobbing quietly, and sipping on my whiskey between bites of these snack cakes.

I finally work up the courage to move again and make it back to the lobby. And shitty Mcgee has more news for me.

Some of the fucking GHOST PEOPLE from outside have now gotten into the casino.

Are you fuc-

I go through how much goddamn trouble to break us in here? And these brainless assholes just SMASH they're way in? They just SMASH IN HERE?

YOU INCOMPETENT WORTHLESS FUCK.

I can't even

I feel like just murdering you, would be far more effective and efficient than you deserve. Your death needs to be slow, and agonizing, and INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING.

YOU GODDAMN DUMBASS.

I want to drag you back to the Wasteland and take you to my house and make you just rearrange things for a while. No put everything in this room, no put it all back in different room again, no no no, it's all back in the same room again, could you put it all in these rooms now?

There's a slave collar on you! Don't get too close to any ROBOT DOGS. THEY MAKE IT EXPLODE. Sorry! Couldn't fix that little bug!

ALSO

I HAVE A ROBOT DOG.

HE MIGHT LIKE TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND

ISN'T THAT ANNOYING

YES IT IS.