Four Words? Sounds Like? Fuck. You. Old. Man.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I MEAN

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's do a little fucking recap here, okay? I get hit in the head, dragged to who fucking knows where. An old shithead puts a bomb collar on me and tells me I need to find three other people. I wander all the fuck over and find the three other people and gather them at the fountain. THEN HE SAYS, take each person to a different spot. Okay. Whatever. We all go to different spots, and I trigger the event to break into the Casino. Inside the casino, conveniently gathered before me again are the other three people. I get hit in the head, AGAIN, and when I wake up they are gone. And now.

Now what does old guy tell me to do?

GO FIND THEM AGAIN.



NNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

And he wants me to...kill them. Wait, kill them? What about our collars?

They won't work inside the hotel? If we're on different floors?

BUT THE RADIOS WILL STILL KILL ME YEAH?

OKAY YEAH

JUST UPDATING MY LIST OF WHAT WILL KILL ME. ASSHOLE.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Whatever.

I'm gonna go find that mute chick first since she was like...moderately tolerable. And then I probably won't kill you. Because I'm sick of doing things for this fuckhead. Off I go.

Christin..e? a? i? Whatever. She's up in the Suites so I head up there, annoyed and tired. And then oh good, here we go with the radios again. I really don't know where in my daily life I have ever encountered this many radios before but this place seems to be just fucking littered with them. There's also some holograms of a chick, Vera Keyes all over. Huh, pretty lady holograOH GOD THAT ONE SEEMS ANGRY AT ME RUUUUUUUUUN. After far too much meandering and general being lostness, I find my way into a hotel suite, containing the mute chick.

Hey Mute Chick, I'm here to do something or something, I don't know. But let's get going oka-

WHOA

WHAT

Did you just...you just started talking? SONOFABITCH. I liked you quiet.

I guess at least we don't have to play charades now. I was getting sick of you pointing to yourself, then to me, then to your collar, then drawing a circle in the air, then a figure eight, then pointing back at me.

You. Want uh...ME. To your collar? Into a circle? Eight times? Me? I don't get it.

We talked for a bit, I don't really remember what about. We were in Vera's suite though and I found alllll kinds of whiskey in there. Fuck yes. I also found her dress, which I then put on, thinking it might let me sneak past the holograms easier. I bid Christineiaywhatever goodbye and head out into the hallways again.

I see a hologram.

Okay, let's try this dress thing out.

(why did I think this would work?)

I slooowly approach the hologram. It seems to have detected me, but is still blue. I get closer, still blue, closer still...cloooooooser

Suddenly the hologram turns RED, there's a loud BRRRNT noise and OH GOD OH FUCK OH HOLY FUCK LASERS OUT OF THE EYES FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK RUN RUN RUNF UCK FUCK FUCKING OH FUCK OH GOD FUCKKKKING FUUUUUUCK

I make it to a corner, where I sit and catch my breath for the next hour, periodically sobbing quietly, and sipping on my whiskey between bites of these snack cakes.

I finally work up the courage to move again and make it back to the lobby. And shitty Mcgee has more news for me.

Some of the fucking GHOST PEOPLE from outside have now gotten into the casino.

Are you fuc-

I go through how much goddamn trouble to break us in here? And these brainless assholes just SMASH they're way in? They just SMASH IN HERE?

YOU INCOMPETENT WORTHLESS FUCK.

I can't even

I feel like just murdering you, would be far more effective and efficient than you deserve. Your death needs to be slow, and agonizing, and INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING.

YOU GODDAMN DUMBASS.

I want to drag you back to the Wasteland and take you to my house and make you just rearrange things for a while. No put everything in this room, no put it all back in different room again, no no no, it's all back in the same room again, could you put it all in these rooms now?

There's a slave collar on you! Don't get too close to any ROBOT DOGS. THEY MAKE IT EXPLODE. Sorry! Couldn't fix that little bug!

ALSO

I HAVE A ROBOT DOG.

HE MIGHT LIKE TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND

ISN'T THAT ANNOYING

YES IT IS.

I Feel So Shot At, I Wanna Go Home.

At the top of the bell tower, I took a deep breath of whiskey and flipped the control switch to activate the gala event. I looked out at the casino and saw fireworks shooting into the air and and all kinds of crazy shit like that. Then I looked down and saw ghost people swarming at the base of the tower. Goddammit.

I threw a few gas bombs down at them but it seemed to only kill a couple. Fuck it, I said. I'm just gonna go down there and start punching them. I killed about 8 or 9 of these assholes on my way back to the villa and then just got downright sick of them, so I just started running past them. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you aaaaah fuck yoooouuuu.

I got to the gate and then BAM. I was inside the casino.

And hey, there's all those other people. Why are they laying on the floor?

And why is everything looking all wobbly?

Oh shit.

I got hit in the head again...here I go, falling over, blacking out.

All these concussions cannot be good for my alcohol-soaked brain.

I wake up and all the other dudes are gone. I start looking around when suddenly Father Elijah's voice starts blaring at me out of nowhere. "Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup" I say over and over as he gives me instructions to do something. I honestly didn't hear what he was telling me over the "shutups." I also found some vodka. Anyway, I figure I will just follow the arrows for each task until the task is MURDER. And then..I will still follow the arrow only more excitedly. I wander around some more only to find that there are radios ready to make me explode like...everywhere. I dart really close to one that I can't shut off or destroy to grab a bottle of whiskey that is sitting on a table under it. My collar is beeping super fast, but I dart back out with my whiskey.

WORTH IT.

I go into the casino and OH GOD A HOLOGRAM HIDE IN THAT CORNER.

I hide, and find a terminal to make him go somewhere else. Phewf-ta. I run upstairs and start looking for places that might have awesome stuff I want. But, goddammit another radio. I suddenly remember that I haven't slept for like weeks and sit on a sofa. Oh god it feels ni-HEY! There's that radio!

I draw my gun and shoot it and wander around a lot more. Then I see! A hologram emitter! Sweet, I'ma gonna shoot it. I draw my pistol and BLAM one hologram disappears. Oh GOD THERE WERE TWO MORE.

OH GOD THAT ONE SEES ME!

OH FUCKING GOD IT IS TURNING RED AND SHOOTING LASERS AT ME!

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN FUUUUUUUCK

I dart out of the casino back out to the lobby area, sprint to the couch by the casino's door, sit down, and drink a whiskey to soothe my racing, pounding heart.

Oh god.

I was

I was here the WHOLE time, officer.

I Get It. Ding. It's Very Nice.

Well

I'm at my spot. It was frustrating as hell getting here, with these stupid ghosts and one time I fell into some death air that seemed to just be a pit with no way out except a gate that required a key to open.

I did find a fucking TON of Bubblegum though! So awesome. This stuff is probably so hard. Oh god I love it. It goes so well with whiskey. I swish them around together in my mouth. I call it a Double Trouble Bubble. WHOA-OH! I'm DRUNK!

I also found a room that had a lot of embalming fluid in it. For some reason I immediately hoarded like 3 jars of it, then looked around realized I was in some abandoned funeral home with dead bodies still on tables. I carefully put all the embalming fluid back on the shelves.

I have climbed to the top of a bell tower. When I started getting close I could here the bell clanging.

IT HASN'T STOPPED AT ALL.

WHAT THE FUCK CLOCK

WHAT FUCKING TIME IS IT

EXACTLY ONE GAJILLION O'CLOCK

STOP FUCKING RINGING

God I wanna go back to the Mojave.

There's all this writing on the walls around here telling me to leave, or get out of here, or to run, or to frown and that my head will explode. Then tonight I find one that just says "Where are we." Is this a philosophical question posed to future readers? Should I read this and ponder my place not only in this quest, but in the world, and in the universe? Where are we? Where am I? And perhaps more importantly, where am I going?

Or maybe the writer scrawled these words on the wall in the hopes that someone familiar with the area would stroll by and scrawl an answer on there, and maybe directions to hotel or diner where they could find a place to rest and/or some food.

If I could carry a pen on my person, I would start scrawling things on these walls too. Maybe questions I would like answers to later:

"Hey, where can I get a prostitute around here?"

"Does anyone have the name of a good chiropractor? Like someone I can trust. I don't like most of them, but my back is really bugging me!"

"How long should I bake this chicken?"

Until eventually resorting to bathroom stall style graffiti:

"Father Elijah SUX"

"ME + MY GUNS" in big ol' heart.

"For a good time, leave this place."

I'm Going Sierra MADre.

Oh how I annoyed was I! To discover that when attempting to purchase alcohol from a store hologram that among my missing items are also ALL OF MY CAPS.

MY POCKETS. ARE NOT JINGLING LOUDLY WITH MY EVERY FOOTSTEP ANYMORE.

Thankfully the hologram will also take these spears I took off some dead ghosts. Because I really needed that booze then.

Why does the hologram deal in caps in the first place? Explain to me, Pre-war hologram! Why you are not only accepting, but EXPECTING and LIMITING YOURSELF TO a currency you should not even be aware exists?

I accidentally punched that ghoul guy in the arm. With my bear trap claw. I felt bad for the splittest of seconds until the feeling was replaced with how very very good it felt. Especially since he will not give me those sunglasses he is wearing.

GIVE THEM TO ME!

I deserve them!

I keep finding dressers full of Dirty Pre-War Clothing Item, and have decided that the dirty means it is actually kinky clothes. Picking up Pre-War Spring Outfits and saying, "oooh you a dirty Pre-war Spring Outfit, aren't you? Dirty, dirty!"

Also also, while I am rambling about whatevers and whathaveyous

Whoever put all these Sierra Madre chips around town, I would like to THANK YOU so much for spacing them out in the most annoooooyyying way possible. Thank you for placing some on a chessboard, so that in my attempts to grab them, I accidentally picked up a chessboard.

I have all three of these schmucks in their places now. I guess I have to get somewhere too? I just keep telling myself, that murdering this dude MUST eventually happen. It has to. And that to get that point, I must soldier on. MY PATIENCE SHALL BE REWARDED.

I can only hope that I get all my favorite guns back before that happens. I'd hate to have to murder him with this stupid police pistol. I would much rather he face...Maria.

Why You Wanna Give Me The Run Around?

So a ghoul, a mutant, and a mute chick walk into a toxic gas.

Stop me if you heard this.

BECAUSE IT IS MY HELL.

Ugly Ass Old Dude (aka Father Elijah) has sent me out to find a three other assholes that he's strapped these collars to. I don't know why I get to be the seeker here and everyone else gets to sit in one spot and do nothing. Why can't I find a pleasant spot to relax and wait for someone to come to me? No, no, that would be too easy.

I first head towards a super mutant who is in a room just littered with deadly radios. Run in, shut one off, run back out. HUFF HUFF HUFF.

Run in, shut one off, run back out. HUFF HUFF HUFF.

WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I DOING.

I finally get this mutant dude out of this jail cell he's in. First his name was God, then it was Dog because he apparently has split personalities. Neither of which care to shut up ever.

I take Dog out and we start heading towards the next person. We come across a ghost thing and after killing it, Dog hunches over it and goes to town like it's an Old Country Buffet. What the...dude...that's uhhh

*whiskey time*

Dog turns and looks back at me. He's ready to go again. Uh. Uh huh.

I see a clinic and dart towards it excitedly. Oh god there might be stimpaks or...or stimpaks. God I need some stimpaks. I can't find a bed to sleep in. Every bed I try it tells me I can't wait there. I just...I'm so tired. And hungover. And I need a bed. Uuuuugh.

I work my way through these goddamn dark ass red clouded, trap-infested streets until I reach the clinic. Inside I find a few stimpaks and then realize that the next buddy is supposed to be in here. And I find her. Inside an Autodoc. She's got cuts all over her face and neck and can only seem to communicate via gestures.

Wait wait wait. YOU'RE MUTE?

You won't be talking at me constantly?

If you could just get me booze, you would be my new best friend.

I send her to wait at the fountain and decide I might as well head for dude numero threesome.

I finally find the guy, who is a ghoul that refuses to talk to me until I sit on this chair next to him. I take a seat and he tells me that if I move without his permission, the chair is rigged to explode.

FOR. FUCK'S. SAKE.

HEY! You know what I fucking needed! More threats to my goddamn fucking livelihood. Listen you stupid ghoul fucker. We got explosive collars on our fucking necks and if you got any fucking interest in staying alive, you will haul your lame ass fucking ghoul body out of this shitty little room and do this dumbass thing with me. No I don't want to do it either. BUT WE'RE FUCKING STUCK WITH THIS OKAY. And if you would rather die THEN I WILL DO IT NOW WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS AFTER I FINISH ALL THE BOOZE ON MY PERSON. I AM NOT DYING WITH ALCOHOL LEFT TO DRINK.

Well, the ghoul saw my point of view and headed back there. I met him and Mutey McNoSpeak back there with Dog still following me around.

All right, Angry Head Guy what you want now?

Now...now I need to take each person to a DIFFERENT place.

. . .

So. So go get all these people. Bring them back here. Now? Now take each person. Move them somewhere else?



There is not enough alcohol in the goddamn WORLD.

Get A Pen, It's a Long List.

All right, all right, let's do this Dead Money shit. I should be immediately cautious because DEAD is right there in the name, all bright and on display, but like everything else I do in the Wasteland, I charge in with little to no hesitation and then immediately regret it.

I find a radio station and, naturally decide to follow to a fucking drainage pipe, manhole...thing in the middle of fucking nowhere. I don't know what kind of person I've become where I'm okay with crawling into whatever dirty hole I come across, but I guess it must've started somewhere around the time when irradiated water made showering normally an inconvenience.

I slide my greasy ass down the ladder with Veronica and Rex and right behind me. I find a room with some stairs leading to a door, and of course, a corpse. Finding a headless corpse would be a big TURN BACK sign to a normal person. But me? Fuck no. I've had 4 bottles of whiskey TODAY and I'm gonna check that corpse for money instead. Down the stairs we go!

The stairs lead to a hallway with a radio that I walk towards when I am suddenly knocked unconscious, which apparently caused Veronica and Rex to just fucking BAIL on me. Thanks guys! I will keep this in mind the next time you get knocked out.

A while later I wake up in a creepy red place with a projection of an old ugly dude staring at me. It's Father Elijah. The fuck...VERONICA IT'S YOUR STUPID FRIEND. I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM.

He tells me he has put a bomb collar around my neck, and that I gotta do a whole bunch of stuff for him. Also he took all my stuff. Well all my useful stuff. I still have this finger, and this snowglobe, and all these legion ears. Thanks dude. So how am I supposed to kill anything? You...MADE a gun. Great. And it doesn't actually kill the things here. Even better. And it has hardly any ammo. AWESOME. You are doing a fucking bang up job of this.

Father Elijah explains to me that he's got three other people wearing collars, and I need to go find them all. Oh and he doesn't care if I die, because he'll just find another person and put a collar on them. He explains that other people before me have tried and failed and he doesn't care! Well do you give every person you kidnap this shitty ass gun? Do you take away all the awesome shit they've spent so much time collecting? Maybe if I had like even half of all my stimpaks, and any of my guns, I could do this dumb shit for you. It's like telling a dog to the fetch the paper, but breaking one of its legs first. COME ON DOG. GET IT. WHAT'S THE MATTER DOES YOUR LEG HURT?

I tell the stupid old guy that fine. I will play his game. He will regret ever talking to me, but I will play along. For now.

Oh before I go...Father Elijah needs to tell me everything that can kill me.

Wait what?

1. My collar. Okay sure. Also everyone else's collars. If they die, I will die. Uuuh. That seems useless, but, okay.

2. Ghosts. Wait there's ghosts? Yes. And that gun I gave you can't kill them. Figure something else out. I'm too busy being old and angry.

3. Traps. TRAPS TOO? Yeah there's traps. Why are there traps? Just trying to keep it fun.

4. Radios. That's right. Radios. I'm actually an idiot and I couldn't keep the collars from exploding around radios so...I don't know, figure that out too.

5. Security holograms. You can't kill them.

6. The air.


...

THE FUCKING AIR? THE...THE FUCKING AIR?

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING

THE. FUCKING. AIR?!

Where is my whis-


GODDAMMIT YOU TOOK ALL MY FUCKING WHISKEY TOO.

OH NO YOU DIN'T

Motherfucker.

A collar on my neck? Oh don't be clever?

I am taking a bullet out right now and writing your name on it.

I'll play your little game.

But make no mistake, my one goal in life right now is to KILL YOU.