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Wasted in the Spaceland

Somah and I are looking for somewhere to go that's not the same 25 foot hallway of spaceship when I hear a voice coming from one of the cells asking for help. Another prisoner!

It's...

it's a kid.

Great.

I sigh and start talking to her. What do you want? Help you out? Shut off some stuff? Ugh, yeah, I guess. Then she tells me that she knows her way around because she gets out of her cell all the time and wanders the ship until the aliens catch her and put her back in her cell. But you need my help to escape? Whatever.

I hate you, child-thing.

The three of us head down a hallway fighting alie-wait. It's just me fighting them. Oh they're gonna hang back while the drunk chick with all the guns clears out all the bad guys. Fine. YOU'RE WELCOME. I hope you know it's gonna take a while! These aliens have a lot of shelves, and these shelves have a lot of things on them I can knock on the floor. 

These aliens, for being scrawny and annoying, seem to have some really sturdy faces. I keep switching between guns trying to figure out which one destroys them the best, while chucking the occasional nuka-grenade at them as well, and knocking back more whiskey when I get a free moment, and fear I might be getting close to sober. There's a couple of alien workers and I shoot them too, but then the little girl tells me not to because the workers won't hurt me.

Awww, what?

But their heads up popped off really easily!  I really liked shooting them! Dang it.

I'm not doing a very good job paying attention to this kid or where she wants me to go, and am instead just pressing on in whatever directions there are things to kill. I find some alien food, but it's gross looking so uh, no thanks. I think I have a few cans of Cram on me instead. 

After some shooting, the little kid meets back up with and tells me we need to get to the top of the ship, but can't because the aliens are aware of our escape and constant murdering of them. I don't really know what the kid's plan actually is, just that it involves the top of the ship and then later it involves a spacesuit and going outside and what? A big boss alien guy? 

Look. Little girl. I'm gonna drink my whiskey. You point me and what needs to be shot or blown up and I'll do it. I don't need a novel about this plan. 

Ain't no way I'll remember it anyways.

We eventually make it to a bunch of cryopods where I unfreeze a soldier, a cowboy, and a samurai. 

Is this a dollar store action figure set, what the hell? 

The samurai doesn't speak English, and I can tell that no one is gonna know anything about this guy because even if they had ever spoken to each other before this, no one else here speaks the same language as him. But, I ask all of them anyways. 

"Hey you know what the deal is with this guy?"

Maybe I'm just trying to make conversation. Hey, so, how about this spaceship? how about that samurai? Do you like whiskey too? Uh...n-no I don't have any on me. Yes I know I smell like it. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS SUDDENLY. You're boring, I'm gonna talk to that samurai. 

Clothesing Time

Hey there folks! It's me, Reddy S. Gogh, here with drunken news from the Capital Wasteland. 

The other day, me and my mutie pal Fawkes noticed that sitting around our house is 160 Nuka-Grenades and something needed to be done with them. I grabbed as many as I could pile on my person and we went a-wandering for things to kill. We found some Overlords and some Raiders and left behind us a trail of fire and death and empty whiskey bottles. 

Then I got stuck in a rock for a few minutes. 

I finally got out and we found a couple albino radscorpions and a deathclaw and then what the...

A spaceship?

Wow sure is radioactive down here. I'm gonna look around for stuff to whoa hey what the fuck

A blue light surrounded me and suddenly I couldn't do anything. Fawkes! Faaaawwkes! Take care of Dogmeat for me! 

FAWKES!

I SURE AM GETTING GOOD RADIO RECEPTION STILL!

I'LL BE BACK FAWKES!

I black out for a bit and wake up with fucking aliens hovering over me! And some weird probe-y shit coming at me. Oh god what the fuck. Not the butt, not the butt....

I cringe as the close in, and then black out once more.

I wake up again later in a room with this lady, Somah. I try to ask her what's going on but most of what she tells me I already know: aliens, nothing else. Then...then she says they took all my clothes. Ummm, what?

I look down. 

Oh for fuck's sake! I'm in my undies! My armor! My hat! My lucky shades!

Goddammit, I could use a dri-oh yeah, they took all my booze too. Motherfuckers. Where the fuck is all my shit! I had good shit! Give me all my grenades back! I angrily stomp around this tiny room for a bit, while Somah cooks up some retarded escape plan. Then she yells something like "it's coming! Get up against the wall!" 

So I run to one corner of the room and stand there, confused, while I hear some metal grinding and then a guy screaming and then some other weird noises. I ask Somah what that was. 

"Haven't you ever seen a guy picked up by a giant metal claw before!?"

Um, no. And I still haven't because you told me to hide. So I did. I didn't stand there and watch it. Is that what YOU did? I THOUGHT WE WERE HIDING! I wanted to see it! Make it come back! Goddamn you woman!

She says that we should pretend to fight so the aliens will come break us up and then we can jump them and escape. Ah yes, let's...pretend to fight. Somah puts up her dukes and takes a swing at me and I excitedly punch her in the head several times until aliens show up and I punch them to death with my fists! It felt good, but deep down I was missing me guns. I grab one of the batons the aliens were using and head to the next room. 

Pants. If I can just get a pair of damn pants. And the presumed shoes that would be attached to them. It's just...these short things I have on are so breezy. 

More aliens run at me and I scream and kill them! ARRRARRRGH! Leave me alone! I WANT CLOTHES!

As I run around the spaceship with Somah, who seriously has on like four shirts she can't even bother to share with me, I finally find some weird alien container that I thankfully figure out how to open. And inside is all of my stuff! My stuff! Precious stuff! I dig it all out and hug each gun, and every bullet, and every grenade, and every bottle of whiskey while Somah tells me to hurry some more. Shut up women, don't interrupt this tearful reunion. You're not my friend! WHISKEY IS! WHISKEY IS!

I drink a bunch of whiskey and pass out and wake up in that room again. 

Hahah, no, we keep escaping. 

Gosh Sandy, What's Your Last Name

(TODAY! A GUEST ENTRY WRITTEN BY BEN!

It is from the perspective of the lady working the cashiers desk at the Tops, right before I murdered everything. Enjoy!)

Jesus Christ, Sandy, you would not believe the day I just had.  Uuuugh, I need a drink.  Do we have any of that Jake Juice left?  Oh, you bitch.  Okay, we have vodka.  I am going to drink this whole bottle, I swear to gawd.

Okay.  So.  The day started out normal.  I had Swank chasing me around the pit for ten minutes after I walked in the door, but that's Swank for ya.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  But two hours into my shift, and I remember exactly, because I was about to go on break, two hours in, this crazy lookin' lady walks up to my window.  Crazy lookin', like wild-eyed, blue hair, scar-that-looked-like-someone-shot-her-in-the-head crazy lookin'.  Oh, and with her, is this freaky-ass dog that I swear to gawd is like half robot, I mean I could see its brains and shit it was disgusting!  No, it had like a glass jar for the top of its head, with like lights shining in.  I almost puked when I saw it.  And then behind her is some other person, i think it was a chick, but she was wearing this armor like in those old holos we used to watch down in Vault 21 when we were kids, remember?  Like that, it was the craziest damn thing I've ever seen.

Soo this crazy-ass lady walks up to my window, and she tells me she wants some chips.  I'm like sure thing, crazy, how many?  And she slides me a $100 NCR note.  So I count out 40 chips and slide them across to her.  I ask if she needs anything else, and she looks me right in the eye, straight face, and tells me that she wants some chips, and slides across another $100 bill.  So I count out another 40 chips, and I slide them across the counter again, and she shovels them into her weird person sack of crap.  I ask her again, if she needs anything else.  And she tells me--yeah, she tells me that she would like some more chips.  And she slides another $100 bill to me.

I swear to gawd, this WENT ON.  Like, four more times.  Finally, she runs out of $100 bills, so she switches to twenties!  No, I'm not even joking!  For like fifteen minutes, we're there, she'll slide a twenty to me, I count out 8 chips, ask her if she'd like anything else, and we'd start all over again!  I thought it was some kinda performance art or somthin', like she wasn't gonna stop until I quit askin' her if she wanted anything else or somethin'!  Or maybe like this was some kinda test, like maybe they were pushing me to see if I'd crack, and I had to stay polite to this lunatic lady or I'd get fired.  And I ain't gettin' fired, I'm not going back to Gomorrah.

Then, after a while with the twenties, it's like she got bored or somethin', and started giving me other stuff, like NCR 5's, and Legion shit.  Shit, Sandy, she even had some of those, whaddaya call 'em, Areolas?  The gold ones, the ones that are worth like a hundred caps?  She had a bunch of those, and I don't think I've ever even seen more than one of them in the same place at once before!  I don't know if she and armor-chick were knocking off Legionaries or jerking them off, and I don't think I want to know.

Finally, after another ten or fifteen minutes of this crazy chick exchanging one coin at a time for chips, she finally just decides she's done.  And I mean, I snuck a peek in that big sack she was pulling all this money out of, she had PLENTY more crumpled up in there.  I don't know if this was some crazy...  I can't think of anything!  Just, look, Sandy, you have to promise me that if I save up all my money some day, and dye my hair blue, and make you put on a big-ass suit of armor to come to the casino with me, I need you to slap me as hard as you can with your big metal hand.

No, like from the armor.

No, Sandy, I know you don't have metal hands.  Jesus, Sandy.

Anyway, this crazy chick decides she's done, and turns to leave, and I'm like "Thank.  Gawd."  But before I can grab my "Next register please" sign so I can take my break, I blink and suddenly she's BACK.  Looking at me.  And it's like a reflex by now, I just blurted out, "Welcome to the Tops, how can I help you."  I know, like, "Welcome?"  What?  Like I didn't just spend the past forty minutes dealing with your crazy ass?

So I ask her how I can help her, and she looks me right in the eye again, same crazy straight face, and she says to me.

"I'd like to turn in my chips."

Not one game!  Nothing!  Not one spin of the slots, not one hand of blackjack, not one spin of the roulette wheel!  She didn't get more than ten feet from the window!  I'll tell you this, robot dog or no, she is damn lucky they reinforce both sides of that screen, because I was ready to wring her neck.

Thankfully she just dumped all ten-thousand-odd chips out of her big crazy person sack at once, instead of doing it one stupid chip at a time.

I swear, first thing Monday, I'm tellin' Swank i want off the night shift.

Someone's Gonna Be A Very Happy Mailbox Looter.

With Yes Man all set up at the Tops and all the factions taken care of, it was almost time to head to the dam. But I wanted to take care of a few things first, go buy a bunch of ammo (because why not) and turn in all this NCR and Legion money for actual money. 

I had uh...a lot of NCR and Legion money so this took a while. In fact, I quit after like several minutes of exchanging stuff and still had something like 96 $5 NCR bills and made 3000 caps just exchanging money. 

I went back to my room, and swapped out a few guns that I didn't think would be particularly necessary and then back to Yes Man to let him know I was ready to head out. 

At the dam, I checked to make sure V-Ron and Rex were still with me then turned to suddenly one of those big fucking guns just fucking explode.

WHAT THE FUCK

I start walking towards it only to have Legion asshole after Legion asshole run towards me. I was super drunk, and switching my gun out for a different gun approximately every 3 kills. A big group of guys? Grenade Launcher! A bunch all spread out? Hunting Rifle! Wait no Sniper Rifle. WAIT NO TRAIL CARBINE RIFLE. AAAAH. 

That guy is far away! Rex go get him!

GOOD DOGGY! YOU ARE THE BEST DOGGY! Muahahahaahaha!

Oh god a plane? It's the fucking Boomers! YES! FUCK YES! 

It's a good thing Rex and V-Ron and stuff were helping because man, I was super distracted by everything. V-Ron knocked a guy off the dam and I ran over and laughed at him as he fell. 

I head into the dam where a couple NCR guards are blocking a control room. I tell them that someone is in trouble and they gotta go help and it's cool, I'll watch the door. They take off running and I laugh at them and go inside the room. There I insert the override chip and activate the Securitron Army. Inside the dam I also find a bowl of noodles, grab a handful to shove in my mouth, and head back towards the surface.

Back outside, I see the Fort up in flames, and robots shooting guys for me. We start making our way towards Legate's camp where outside a guard is standing around. I have my anti-materiel rifle out so I shoot the little lad and watch him start on fire. As he runs in a circle, Rex suddenly tears off towards him and puts the finishing touches on him. He runs back over to me and I check his health.

Completely full.

In the Legate's camp are more Legion who were mostly pretty easy, then the Legate himself. He threatened to nail me to side of the dam, which honestly part of me wondered how he intended to do that, but it doesn't matter because I just gave him a "f'real playa?" and started shooting and soon enough he was dead.

Back at the gate to the camp, the NCR started acting like they wanted to start shit, but...uuuuh, there's a huge army of robots there guys. Plus, I'm so drunk I'm liable to do anything, honestly. I was tempted to start a fight just because...because I wanted to shoot things more, but I convinced the NCR to just piss off instead.

And then, that was that, I guess. The end credits didn't say anything about how drunk I got or how many things I knocked over in the rest of my life. But it had to be a lot.

...

I just realized I never did anything with all that gold I had.

FUCK. 

Disarmed is Dismayed.

I've finally decided that I maybe I need to start wrapping stuff up and taking care of this Hoover Dam stuff. I decided long ago to work towards an independent New Vegas with Yes Man because absolutely everyone else I could side with had upset me in some way. My first step towards this plan was to finally go kill Mr. House.

Now, I didn't think this would be easy. Dude has a lot of security robots up there and those fuckers are armed with missile launchers and have armor and all kinds of stuff. I decide to arm myself to the fucking teeth.

Fat Man
Tesla-Beaton Prototype
Missile Launcher (Annabelle)
Grenade Launcher (Thump-Thump)
The All-American
Alien Blaster
Anti-Materiel Rifle
Sniper Rifle
Hunting Rifle
Trail Carbine Rifle
Riot Shotgun
Hunting Revolver
Maria
4 Pulse Mines
and 22 Pulse Grenades.

As it turns out, I can just run past though robots though, and right to House, where I don't really need a whole lot to murder him. Huh. Guess I got all my big guns out for nothing. Oh well. Time to go see Yes Man at the Tops!

First I gotta knock some of these books of House's shelf though....

Okay! To the Tops!

I walk in and am immediately greeted by one of the workers. Oh yeah, my guns that's ri....

uuuh..

heh heh.

I am still carrying that huge pile of guns.

You guys put these in a safe right? Is it a big one? This is...I have a lot of stuff. Oh boy.

This is awkward.

Pick of the Litter

Today I finally went to Vault 11. Rex was way enthusiastic about mauling those rats and mantises (mantisese?) and I was enthusiastic about throwing things on the floor. I eventually come to find that the vault would once a year send someone to die in a sacrifice to keep the vault from killing them. You access the overseer's computer and take a tunnel under their desk to walk off and die. 

Naturally, I decide I need to try this.

Of course this where part of me thinks, god, I must be just a goddamn idiot. "PLEASE WALK DOWN THIS TUNNEL EXPLICITLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DYING." Yeah sure why not.

The real problem is that my constant state of drunkeness combined with all of my guns and stimpaks just makes me feel invulnerable. It's why I often leap from cliffs that are actually too high to leap off, and why I don't bother looking around for potential threats like...ever. I just walk into them. Oh whoops excuse me, bang bang bang. It's almost weird that I prefer my sniper rifle over something like a baseball bat or bludgeoning club sort of thing. 

So I walk down this hallway, watch a little movie and then oh shit robots are trying to kill me. GOOD LORD ARE THEY EVER. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow," I say as bullet after bullet is fired upon me. What the fuck man. 

I manage to kill them all and then stand there for a second, angry. JEESH. You were killing these sad little vault dwellers with like 5 goddamn robots and two turrets. Is that seriously necessary? Where's the robot for cleaning all this fucking mess up? I think ONE of these robots could've handled some pathetic little unarmed vaulty. FUCK. I checked a room to the side and found some recordings of what happened in the vault. LIKE I CARE. Then checked all the robots and boxes for anything useful. Of course there was nothing I wanted in the room, so I angrily left, angrily stomped up the stairs, and angrily marched back outside. 

You suck, Vault. 

I now had all the stuff I needed to give to the Brotherhood of Steel guys, but man, giving it to them will probably just result in sending me on OTHER errands, so I decided to just wander the wasteland for a bit. Do my own thing, be my own person. All the women, independent, and all that. I knocked back a whiskey and swam to a scavenger platform in the middle of a lake. It was full of lakelurks that I killed and then dragged their bodies into the water. Gotta keep this platform clean. 

Then, I started throwing other stuff in the water, because I cannot help myself ever. It started with little things: bottles, plates, pots, the like. Eventually I ended up at tires and barrels being flung into the water. 

Then I found a stack of books and started throwing them in too, yelling "FISH! HERE IS A BOOK, FISH! LEARN TO READ, FISH! EDUCATE YOURSELF, FISH!" 

I checked.

And those fish were doing none of those things. 

Goddammit, fish.